#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

There's also the matter of what they don't take. My ex acted as if moving out was an opportunity for him to just dump all the shit he had hoarded and help himself to the best bits, as if it was a shop. So every time he collected the DCs there were another couple of boxes on the doorstep. Every pair of glasses he'd ever owned...every wallet. He must have felt such a pillock opening it all in front of the OW.

Thanks lovely s, yes I had a lovely time with DDsBGFsDM (!) she was telling me that now she's recently dispatched her 5 yr BF as well as having been previously divorced, she's never been happier. She made me laugh about her own divorce after finding out her DH had been having an affair and rethime to announce there had been previously and would be in future she nearly killed him with a Le Cruset griddle pan! She gave me plenty of advice, like you all have here and said I will have down days too but ultimately I will be ok, happy and go on to have so much more fun. So now I'm looking forward to when DH properly moves out so I can get on with it. DD and I decided to sit at the other end of the dining table - the new arrangement.

Good for you World. Glad you're feeling glad at the thought of seeing the back of the STBXH!

World many advantages to be found in the calm world of mother and daughter, and mother's friends...

It's ok being on your own (with daughter, obviously!). Lots of benefits but you won't see what they are just yet. But whilst life will temporarily be difficult (animals etc), you'll find a routine fairly quickly and it won't include your STBEXH. One day you will suddenly wake up and realise that you haven't thought about him at all. Not once. On that day, you should treat yourself.

Good to hear you had a great evening World.
Do you think you and DDSBGFSDM will meet on a regular basis? Could it be the possibility of a deepening friendship maybe, especially as DD and her DD are close.
Friendships with other single parents are really helpful and mutually supportive-they can bring a lot of fun into your lives, and it's great to sometimes team up for weekends away, holidays, Christmas times etc etc. or just popping round to each other's homes for a quick catch up.
Anyway, bedtime for me now. G'night World...

I echo innagazing, when I was going through the divorce process a work colleague was going through the same. She became one of my best friends and was a valuable source of support: a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, nights out, nights in with a bottle of wine, popping over for a cuppa, text messages and phone calls. And we made the foray into OLD at the same time, we had great fun with that

Cary that's evil genius re the treadmill.
I am
About to move house and as if packing wasn't arduous enough I am having to go through the garage and attic removing all exh's stuff that he left when he moved out and boxing it up for him. Very tempting to just chuck it in the skip tbh.

I was told I bought the wrong light bulbs for his study.

And because my cooking was good he felt he had to have seconds for 10 years...

So pleased you had a good evening World. When I found out about my ExH's last affair I was doing a degree. I had a few days off because the finding out affected me physically and I spent most of it in the loo. When I came back to Uni, one of my fellow students who I sat near, took one look at me and asked if I had lost weight. I mumbled something about a problem with my 'D'H. She carried on working while saying she'd 'enjoyed' a similar diet!

She is now one of my v best friends!

Kittybiscuits great comment.
Morning World, have a good day today.

Onward and upward Workd

World!

I love the treadmill comment!

When my ex left, he left behind a couple of boxes of Dungeons and Dragons books, all in mint condition because he only bought them for show. When I told him, he said he didn't want them and told ME to chuck them!
I got the last laugh though, as I sold one box (still got the other in the loft) and got £90 for them! I'll sell the other box at some point.

I'm feeling like somehow outing OWHLF, not by name, but that I know who she is and where she's from, etc. Do I tell to MIL when I next talk to her that I now know and the sentiment she's written in the books. One of our mutual friends used to work with DH and is also on my Facebook

Oh and the dishwasher has now broken. No engineer until next Tuesday

I really wouldn't. Who she is isn't important. Also I think there is an element of not letting on just yet how much you know. MIL knows there's another woman - that's enough for now. Just concentrate on yourself and DD.

I'd definitely tell MIL. If he's pulling the wool over her eyes by making her think it's someone he hardly knows ... you could just gently let her know what you know. Sure she'll more than understand then why there's no going back for you.

When I split up with my ex I made a list of all the furniture, who owned what etc, but he left everything at the house while the purchase of his next house went through. I was seeing a counsellor, who said don't be ridiculous, you're not free storage for him, make him move it all, so I did. He came round in a full on grump and said he'd have to leave the wardrobe in the spare room for now. When I insisted it went he sawed it up in the spare room and carried it downstairs in pieces. As the last piece went in his trailer he said "happy now?". I replied no, here's the Hoover, you've left sawdust everywhere. To my surprise he did Hoover it up, while I sat in the next room shaking with laughter.

I think I'd casually drop it into the conversation 'Hmm given he's been working & socialising with her for two years I'm really surprised he said he barely knows her'.

...

I had so many 'outing' fantasies but I left them at that. I wanted XH on side (as far as he could be) so that the financial settlement was easier. Your STBXH will become very protective of OW I'm afraid so if you do out her deliberately it will likely just make life a lot less pleasant for you and give him ammunition. I made sure friends and family knew who she was and knew of the lows that she sank to but only verbally. The best revenge really is to live well and with your head held high.

I found a very unflattering naked photo of her taken by XH (beauty really was in the eye of that beholder). She had a very senior job and I fantasised about emailing that photo to all staff where she worked.

I fantasised about far worse too but left it between me and my nighttime scrawling.

How well do you know the mutual friend on your facebook? Well enough to do any digging on your behalf?

I wouldn't tell MIL exactly what you know as it'll be plain to Wonder Boy that you'd be snooping. Good for MIL to know that you firmly believe it's a much longer standing affair though, possible going back a year or two.

Mil needs to know (if she doesn't already know) that her son does not want any reconciliation, and that her continuing to think there may be is purely wishful thinking.

A thought came to me suddenly last night, that I hope isn't the case. Do you think it's possible that ow may be pregnant? That could explain his visit to Athens. It's not the most interesting of weekends away is it, to go to meet the parents of your mistress? On the other hand, maybe there is some other reason, such as a family wedding or whatever.

But, as others have said, maybe it's best not to dwell on her. It is what it is.

I hope you're making the most out of this sunny weather we're having in the South East.

Thing is, the OW isn't really the problem. He's also been feeding her his bullshit, she just hasn't seen through it.

They reeled us in, it's no different for the OW. They are sympathetic to their lies, not realising it's all bullshit.

Of course, no woman should have a relationship with someone already married, but for all you know he's told her you're already separated, marriage was dead a long time ago, no contact, no affection, stayed together for the DC... and so it goes.

He's shown his true colours and is no longer your problem. He is now her problem. Punishment enough, no?

Your dignity and retaining the moral high ground is much more valuable to you than revenge.

But fantasise away. I liked to imagine MYOW in 10 years time, still in her prime, saddled with the lazy tosspot I once married.

You're right, I'll keep it to myself. It will out its self soon enough. Second estate agents are due in a coup of hours. Just done the washing up. Think I'll walk the dogs shortly so once the agents leave the rest of the day is mine. Still need to get my nails done too.

I agree keep it fantasy, brilliant advice about not making the other woman a martyr and the blowing the whole romance a desperate Greek tragedy.

They will enjoy the drama of being thrown together as two misunderstood souls who only have each other....

It's done to death but the "Keep Calm and Carry On" Mantra really did work for me. Act as if he is insignificant in your present and future. Remain neutral and ask/say nothing about the OW. Just speak about arrangements for day to day things, mediation and agreements on time with your DD.

It will be very unsettling for him to be treated as a discontinued item in your life. It will give you strength to focus on your future.

There's no reason you can't focus on that even in the midst of mediation.

Your course, perhaps a weekend away, something for your independence and something to look forward to. Planning ahead helps calm me down in the present.