#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

Keep a note of that text message and bring it up at mediation. Ask for his agreement not to speak about you to dd and keep his relationship with her strictly about them, not you or you as a couple. For her emotional wellbeing.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt I think that what he meant to say was "when I make a prawn wrap for your lunch you don't repeatedly pat me and praise me for this incredible achievement and reward me with a blow job like OW does

This made me laugh but unfortunately it rings true. The OW with few ties (other than to keep herself in mint condition) has time to focus all of her attention on the man, while his wife is running the home, looking after children, washing his pants and socks and often has little time to give her hair a blow dry never mind her OH a blow job.

He is really selfish - dragging your DD into it and re-writing history for his own selfish ends. He is trying to hand over his responsibilities to his 15 yo dd!

He is still trying to control you about the mediation - keep you dangling/ delay etc so that you have to wait for him to get around to you. He is really treating you in an awful, managerial way - ie that you are lower in the chain of command and lower priority and must wait for him to decide ( a "ruler and master strategy").

Why are you playing along? Why not take the initiative and suggest that you chose the mediator?

Speechless that he could be that callous with DD.

Oh god he really made himself sound like he was in some sort of upstairs downstairs drama in that text, poor love must have been clutching his pearls.

It must have been purgatory for him. Had to strum his guitar just to feel a crumb of comfort, honestly what a bloody drama queen.

DD has already been dragged into this mess by OP. If the emotional wellbeing of DD is to be considered when asking WH not to speak to his DD about his failing marriage, that should also hold true for OP and DD.

Also, earlier in the thread posters were saying that OP should not agree to any mediator that isn't agreed upon by both solicitors. They thought WH would try to steamroll her in negotiations by choosing a sympathetic mediator. Now, posters are encouraging OP to try and steamroll WH.

Lol.

badhatter Op is talking to dd but not putting anything on her. Wh on the other hand is telling dd to look after her mother. Different much? Also why are you trying to be so neutral? Cheating lying wanker who has tossed in his marriage vs cheated on wife is not a neutral scenario. Did you misread the whole thing as 'my dh said he wasn't happy, we went to extensive counselling but it's not working so are amicably splitting up as in the future once single he might have a relationship with other women'? Because I'd want to be fair in that scenario.

timeisnotaline agree conpletely

A very sneaky way of making DD resent her mother; put her welfare in DD's hands. Make her feel responsible for her rather than being able to be the carefree teen she needs to be.

OP, if you haven't you need to make very clear to DD that you are NOT her responsibility and that you are doing fine. And that her father should NOT have said that to her.

So, as far as she can see, he has stopped being unhappy himself by making her unhappy.

He is trying to justify his behaviour by back-dating his 'unhappiness' and sharing responsibility with World - he really isn't very good at this.

Her dad will say this to her because he doesn't want the fallout and responsibility for the aftermath of the shitstorm he's caused. OP, if you are strong and resilient your DD will admire and respect you and your resilience will inspire her to be a strong woman herself. I have no doubt that you will go from strength to strength and have a great future ahead. Please take total control now and realise that you don't have to please him, consult him about anything. Think, "How will this benefit me (and DD)' rather than, "What will Shirty think about this'.

Well said timeisnotaline. Dd is 15,not 5. She isn't stupid and will be able to work out without being told much, what's going on. she will be hurting as much as op and if they have a good relationship, which it seems they do, she will want to talk about it.
What's the op to do? Brush it under the carpet? Lie about it to Protect the h, (and thus damage her relationship with dd who will see through it)? Why should she?
I doubt she is sitting ranting about the man to dd,but if asked a direct question she should give an honest age appropriate answer. It's not inherent on the op to cover up the h's behaviour particularly.

'Shirty' made me smile.

My ex texted my then 16 yo dd a few days after we left, to remind her that there were two sides to every story. She immediately texted him back and told him there was her side too.....and that all she heard was him being very nasty to her mother. That shut him up.

I also was very aware of the fact that my sadness and resentment was hard for her to deal with. So I took her out to dinner and told her the story of how I met him and how much I had loved him, and that helped her understand the pain I was going through.

Look after yourself and your girl x

Fucking pig! How dare he try to force adult responsibilities on his teenage daughter? How dare he try to wrangle the situation so that it's the child's job to do the emotional naturity, the understanding, the responsibility? How dare he try to force her to be the parent? How dare he? How absolutely fucking dare he?

How dare he place that responsibility on a 15yo. Wanker!! A 15yo who is undertaking her GCSEs and has enough pressure on her without having to deal with her own feelings and the uncertainty of what her future holds post break up. What a selfish selfish knob he is.

On of the reasons my exH gave for his dalliance was 'there was no cheese spread in the fridge'. It still makes me chuckle today

ginger that is a classic. Is "no cheese spread in the fridge" a euphemism

We're building a veritable larder full of excuses for having an affair

World... I'm so sorry and angry on your DDs behalf! The language used in that message is very very "oh poor me" he doesn't really accept blame for what HE has done, he shifts it on to you. And as for the whole "be strong for your mother"... He has made you sound weak and unreliable, and as if your daughter can't ask you to be strong for her!! Putting your DD squarely in the middle, with only him to turn to - according to him! OMG he's a toxic peice of manipulative work isn't he?!... Please for your DDs sake get mediation arrangements sorted asap - don't ask, TELL him that DD is NOT to be messaged about relationship etc! 👿

I just have to say if the shit ever hits the fan for me I'm relieved that Mumsnet is so amazing for support, you guys are great.

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone when they say that text to your daughter is more than a step too far and absolutely disgusting that he is even daring to bring her into it. She would have been 13 what fucking 13yr old gives to ticks about their parents relationship regardless of how grown up they may be.

I wish she text him back saying "that mum can look after herself dad, she will be fine. On the other hand you are a mess and what do expect to gain from all of this!!!

'No cheese spread in the fridge' oh that's hilarious! It made me laugh out loud!

DDs BGFs mum is coming over shortly, she doesn't know what's happened yet, but has been through the mill too. We are going to have a hot tub, while I can make the most of the assets while I've still got them! Hopefully we can make the most of a bad thing together.

Spoke to a mediator to make an appointment, she sees me first then DH, my appointment is on 29th. She said it's too soon/raw to see her next week. She's going to send me details and I'll then give her DHs contact details and she'll arrange his appointment with him

No cheese spread 😱😱😱poor lamb!

Glad you're getting sorted World and have an appt date to aim for. Gives you plenty of time to think about what you want out of this situation.

Yep a tub of dairylea, or not as the case may be, was the culprit in the demise of my marriage. Talk about scaping the barrel for excuses

Cheeky git! Of course if he was unhappy before then he should have told you then, you could have worked on your marriage or chosen to separate without there being anyone involved. Instead he has just added to the hurt.

Remember you deserve to be happy as well.

I'm guessing that's the biscuit barrel ginger

"No cheese spread" Oh ginger that's one of the funniest things I have ever read on MN 😂😂😂