#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

When you go to bed tonight take a pen and pad of paper with you or just grab plenty of paper from the printer. When you can't sleep because of his (or her) shit that's in your head just write. It doesn't have to make sense or be neatly written. Anger, hurt and rage (seriously scary as fuck rage in my case) comes out of that pen. You might end up scribbling a whole page like a 5 year old. It doesn't matter. Just get it out. I found this hugely cathartic. Some of the stuff I wrote was so twisted but I got it out night after night and preferred that to just lying there in pain.

It all got read again in the morning then shredded. By reading it I could see that the content was getting less toxic so I knew progress was being made. It's not quick but it's a coping and release mechanism that worked for me.

timefortea hit the nail on the head though. This is all about him and how selfish and needy he is. And weak. It didn't happen because you failed in some way. Sadly you are the one to clean up the shit, keep DD going and ride the god awful emotional rollercoaster that he's harnessed you into.

So you have those valuations to get through today. The estate agent might ask why you want them so don't be blindsided by that question. Prepare a reply in your head. Line up a treat you love for afterwards and chin up, lippy on.

Lots of speculation about the OW here which I don't think is helpful as that's all it is. What you do know is that your husband doesn't want to be with you any more. From what you have said it sounds like this is the case anyway even if the other woman hadn't come along. Many people need a pull factor to leave.

Focus on speaking to your solicitor and getting the best financial deal possible. I think you should carry on with your plans to do the course. It will give you something to focus on, an opportunity to broaden your horizons and make new friends and may provide you with an independent income in the future.

Hope the discussions with your solicitor go well today.

I have been lurking here too. You are doing so well World. Stay really strong this week and do be deterred in anyway by him. I ageee with others. This has been going on for some time and he's trying to 'soften' it for you by making out it's been shorter and making it better for him. His mind won't be focussed on you or DD but only him. He won't be thinking straight at all, only ensuring life is best for HIM. There are many stages of betrayal. You are going through them all one by one. First it's disbelief, then fear and I really hope you now go through the true anger stage as that is where you will be at your strongest. Don't talk to him, only through a solicitor. That's going to hard I know, when he's coming in and out of the house, but it's the only way. Try to get him out of the house as soon as possible.

Good luck with solicitor today op.

Stay strong

I am kind of confused though Is the Greek woman and the work colleague different women?

I'm so glad you are just heading for divorce World he has shown you nothing but contempt since this all started.

I wouldn't be sure this is to meet the parents, they may have organised for him to "bump into her" sort of thing, oh what a coincidence.
Anyway, it seems she is at least the 2nd OW is that right ? maybe he has been doing this for a while.
I was also thinking he will get her pregnant while they are all loved up..
Get your money fast

There are, as yet, undiscovered tribes in the heart of the Peruvian jungle that knew you were going to say that OP...you're doing awesome m'lady, hang on in there x

Just to add my support and admiration of your strength and dignity throughout this OP

On a more childish note any chance of clearing up chicken poo with that bloody awful shirt? I can only imagine it would be vastly improved. What an absolute tool he is of the highest order. Does he keep any toiletries about also? It would be tragic if some kind of hair removing product got accidentally mixed in with his shampoo. Presuming he still has all his hair. How embarrassing for OW if he suddenly develops rather obvious bald spots.

I had thought the chilli in underpants scenario!

In answer to an earlier Q. He did want at least two kids, but I was 38 when I had DD and decided after my terrible ordeal, my mind and body couldn't risk the trauma again for another one. My decision and he had to respect that

Oh the chilli in underpants I liked that one too Even if you don't actually do any of these they are still amusing and cathartic to imagine. Personally I wouldn't be able to resist but suspect you are more mature than me Good to have on standby in case the understandable urge takes you to hit him where it hurts, right in his ego/vanity

I've been watching from thread number 1 and I'm so impressed by you OP. you've got so much dignity. He's digging his own grave and I think in years to come he will be back to apologise and grovel. Unfortunately for him (!) you'll be very happy in your new life. He's treating you dreadfully and deserves to be taken to the cleaners. I'm also sorry for your daughter. The least he could do is take her out for dinner and try and explain himself instead of pathetically texting her. What a coward, but it's only going to be his own undoing when the damage with her is irreparable. You seem to be coping extremely well and I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. You're going to be fine, just make sure you get what's rightfully yours.

Also any chance of purchasing some books/products on male incontinence for the over 50s and/or erectile dysfunction and either planting the receipts on him (since he is so careless with that type of thing) or having them delivered to his work or new abode? If your finances are still somewhat shared his surprised blustering of "these are not mine ehh I don't know where they came from" may raise a disbelieving smirk. Again just a thought to inject some humour into things as I suspect you may need it OP.

He did want at least two kids,

So perhaps [even though he has gone about it in an awful way] this is actually about him wanting more children?

Just spoke to lawyer, she says first step is mediation, to set up the immediate interim and financial situation. She's given me 3 recommendations, all ex family lawyers.

Next step I'll email them to him for his perusal and suggest he chooses one before he goes away this week so I can arrange an appointment for both us next week next week. Sweepstake on him telling me to choose.

If he refuses mediation suggesting that 'we can come to our own arrangement' I can get him issued with an invitation to attend. If he still refuses then its court.

This is all about him and how selfish and needy he is. And weak. It didn't happen because you failed in some way. Sadly you are the one to clean up the shit, keep DD going and ride the god awful emotional rollercoaster that he's harnessed you into.

This x 1000

Hi, I've just read your threads and I'm amazed by your control. I am only posting because I agree that you need to move FAST on the divorce as it looks like they are both thinking babies.

Get the nastiest lawyer you can and make sure your daughter doesn't go without so he can start again.

I think it's a good idea to get the ball rolling. Makes it very real for him. So far he has been clinging on to the idea of having all his home comforts/relationships and his sordid affair.

Good to know you're getting a plan World.

Have you given him a date for when he needs to have moved out?

I doubt he's thinking babies even if he'd have liked another 15 years ago. Not many 51 year olds are. His and her possible desires and motivations are Irrelevant anyway, OP needs to be focused on the facts. The marriage is over whatever happens with the OW.

further to what Beenthere said, don't skip any paps for the next few years at least. I got my first ever abnormal pap with HPV positive (agressive strain) and had to have minor surgery to remove severe abnormal precancerous cells. most likely exposed to it by stb

It's awful to think that these OW can give their Cheat's wife a disease.
But it happens.
There is such a seedy side to affairs when you think about it.

This is absolutely not about him wanting more children so don't ever allow that thought to grow in your head OP. From what I've read he's not making a huge effort with the child he's got right now.

Our XHs and STBXHs have one thing in common - it's all about them. They run off and immerse themselves in their hobbies and passions while someone else does the laundry, cooks and picks up dog poo.

You're in this mess because he got bored with routine, felt trapped or whatever snivelling excuse it is and he didn't have the balls to say something at the time and work with you as a team to fix it.

Oh, and I bet she doesn't know any of the classic lines from Life of Brian or Ferris Bueller or a single episode of The Young Ones!

Unfortunately older men don't cheat with younger women for their minds, or sense of humour, or what they know, or how well they cook or run a home.
It's usually all about their bodies. Their younger bodies.

You could put a 'mid life crisis' man in a room with a fantastically beautiful, funny, interesting 40/50 something woman and a very plain, overweight, spotty, dull, insecure 20/30 year old woman.

Force him to choose and he will more than likely choose the younger person, even if she's ugly and boring as hell.
Why? Because he's trying to recapture his youth and being with someone young makes him feel young.

And because she's less likely to call out his self-serving bullshit than a beautiful, witty forty-or fifty something.

Yep. It's not even about her. First and foremost it's about his ego, fear of his own mortality and deterioration and proving to himself he still has the power to attract. He is scared of getting old I imagine.

Ego and desperation.