#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

I wonder if he has a secret slush fund anywhere. (bank account, shares?) Given that he says he's been unhappy for a few years, he could have been squirrelling away for quite a while. Just a thought...
Not sure where you'd start looking though, apart from emails I guess.
Shares are often traded online now in a specific sharedealing account.
Will you speak with SHL before the first mediation so you have a clear notion of what's possible? Then ask for a bit more, so it looks as though you're not getting all that you want!
How's your daughter doing with it all?
You're amazing to be dealing with it so calmly and have come so far in just a few days.

I would go to the lawer tomorrow and start sorting out the practicalities.
Don't tell him your going until you have a clear write up of what YOU want to happen from this point on.

He seems to be making noises about it def being over but then texting and asking to be amicable.
He's trying to keep you inside while he makes his own plans.
Don't let him decide what happens op.
He did the dirty so now he can respect your wishes.
Well bloody done though on staying so calm.
I probably would have either kicked him out and told him email contact only and only regarding parcaticalities or worse,struck him over the head with something bloody heavy and fed him to his sodding chickens

Sorry OP that you are going through this. Your DH showed no remorse and I feel you still holding some hope that he will come back like looking at what he did at the house or taking the anniversary card from friend. I hate to say but I have a feeling that he is still nice to you so you won't make it too difficult for him in the divorce. He does not really care about YOU. Protect yourself. Get the best for you and your DD.

Ok, so since he's been out, and still is, I had a nosey in his travibag. Found a note and poetry book 'OW has dedicated to him Took photos and some time trying to decipher her writing. So, in conclusion she is Greek, hence Athens, probably with family (screaming alarm bells!) and both signed with love and kisses, that meaningful in 3 weeks? Also, it's definitely not the same girl I originally thought, Once I sussed her name from her signature (her writing is quite unique), a bit of googling and I found her, Young, pretty and highly boring intellectual. Sent my BGF a screen shot, says she'll likely be very hairy too! (No offence to any Greek MNers here, this is all in the interests of my maintaining feminine solidarity.

Also, letting my imagination run wild here, we know DDs BF is now also in Athens staying with Greek friend and his family! Oh please if there truly is Karma let it be the coming together of the greatest embarrassment.

On a serious note it's game on divorce asap!

I agree with PP, I wonder if he's been squirrelling cash away. Try and get hold of as much paperwork as you can. Could he have cashed out some things without your knowledge, sharesave scheme, savings, pensions?

I agree also that he is stringing you along, I think either because he knows you hold the cards, or he is planning to leave with as much as he can. Emotionally, he is ahead of you, he has got over your marriage and is moving on, devious bastard. Keep digging deep and keep up, get ahead of him.

Maybe sit with DD and ask her how you see life in 1 year, and work backwards with that in mind. Be ambitious about what you get financially, at least half is yours, and DDs needs on top of that.

You are doing immensely well, and my heart goes out to you. Hang in there

*KAMA!

So she's not the woman who wrote the card? He's been busy.

Wow! He's been a busy boy. I would need to know exact details but that's just me

I wouldn't look to his family for validation or support. His mother will always be his mother first, whatever friendship you might have had with her, that'll change. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Wow. That was a useful snoop! Yes that's hardly a new relationship. Get him binned!!

You could leave a few carefully placed copies of My Big Fat Greek Wedding dotted around!

Have you looked for him on Tinder etc?

My friendship with my ex's mum hasn't changed in 15 years, she was the best friend I ever had throughout our breakup when he cheated - of course she remained his mother, she loved him but was disgusted at him, and told him and oW exactly what she thought of them (ow is now his wife and still hates/punishes her for it), but she made sure I was fairly treated first and foremost. If he tried any games she squashed it straight away. I think she's amazing.

Have "Shirley Valentine" on the TV next time he comes over...

Honey, you are very lucky, she sounds like an incredible woman.

So he had a ONS with someone at work AND has now hooked up with a starry-eyed Greek lassie and is off to meet the inlaws for a weekend of passion in Athens? God it's like a back-to-front Shirley Valentine with a bad shirt. Has he bought any of those really long pointy shoes that all the young City boys are wearing with drainpipe suit trousers? It's a shocking look but would match that shirt.

Does anyone else have "she came from Greece, she had a thirst for knowledge... She studied sculpture at St Martins college" going through their head?

LAWYER! LAWYER! LAWYER!!

He is a despicable piece of shit! Heard this the other day and you instantly popped into my head. Listen/read the words.
www.lyricsfreak.com/b/beautiful+south/a+little+time_20015215.html

On a serious note it's game on divorce asap!

That's the spirit lass--now go for the jugular and take no prisoners

I had taramasalata and pitta bread today if that helps. I've left the paper packaging out!

Snoop snoop before he gets all his things out.

Exactly what I said, not a chance this as just started. 3 weeks my arse.
Devious, not to be trusted one bit.

The meet up in Athens, is to discuss with her in person.

Is the handwriting the same as from the first card you found about having had a good time but wanting to move on and pretend it didn't happen (or whatever it was that it said)? Best to cross reference.

Out of principle I'd be divorcing on the grounds of adultery as I'd want full legal admittance from him, but understand if that's not the most practical arrangement (unreasonable behaviour may be easier).

He won't care. It sounds cold, but so is he. You need to keep telling yourself this. He is cold. He doesn't care.
Repeat to yourself everyday:
He is nothing to me. He is nothing to me. He is nothing to me.

Find your anger and find it quick. You're going to need it.

We're with you!!!

I've just thought of a couple of other things. The first is awful and is sorting your own smear / STI test. I'm sorry to mention this. I remember sobbing my heart out having it done because of why I was there. Do get it done though. I'm sure all will be fine but don't take a chance. My XH swore he'd used condoms. When I explained that cervical cancer was caused by a sexually transmitted virus he went ashen and admitted that he hadn't used them but I had to back him into a corner. Just get it done. One of many awful things to do OP.

The other thing is financial and for much further down the line. If you are offered shares instead of cash (depending on how he's paid) and a cash payout in lieu of a pension sharing arrangement consult an appropriately qualified IFA before accepting. Your SHL won't be appropriately qualified to advise. I know someone who took cash instead of a pension sharing arrangement and she was totally shafted.