#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

I think you are being amazingly level headed and calm on the outside op I really do.
Take my hat off to you.
I think now is the time to start being tougher and more direct in what you want.
Your mil sounds lovely but clearly pushing for you to stay together and assuming that you will go with whatever decision your not so dh makes whether it's at home with you or not regardless of what you want.

I personally wouldn't be abled to carry on or try again in a marriage where my dh had lied and deceived me to that degree.
He's also doing an awful lot of minimising and trying to make it almost acceptable.
I wouldn't let him live in the annexe. You need your own space and if he's too near you will find it hard to relax.

I also think your mums idea of giving the chickens away is a good one.
You need to free up some time for yourself to heal op.
Be kind to yourself. You really are amazing.

Hmmm, I would ask him what he is expecting out of the mediation, and what he thinks it is for.

As you said, if he is still expecting to go with the OW next weekend, they really is it, he just seems to want to have his cake and eat it

Yes I'd make clear that if he goes to Athens there'll be divorce papers ready when he gets back.

Yes, because if he goes away with OW then that means he's put her first. Even if he were to come back and say, ''You know what? I don't love OW, I love you'' he has still put OW first.

If he really cared about you, he would want to go away with youand discuss things and keep OW hanging. He would be grovelling and moving mountains to try not to lose you.
But that's not happening and that tells you everything to know really.

Even if he tries to make things up with you and you accept him back, you will always be left wondering whether it's because he really wanted to, or whether it was a combination of his parents' 'talk' with him and the fact the OW told him to do one.
He was backed into a corner and his hand was forced.
You will always be wondering if in his eyes, you were the consolation prize, when he really wanted to be with her.

MIL may have been trying to help but as others have said you are not the consolation prize. He doesn't get you because he decides he doesn't want a life with MYOWHHK. You deserve someone who is with you because they want to be with you.

absolutely.
That text message has a 'I'm doing this, but I begrudge doing it' tone about it.

Right, so right now he's got his laundry on and is cleaning the chickens and cutting back the bloody bind weed. Our the chickens have a huge run, part the reason I can't cope on my own too long with them. I'm
Hoping he'll take the dogs for a walk too.

So back to our talk. He was obviously pissed I'd been talking to MIL.

Has not taken on board the potential scenarios he could be lining himself up for or anything.

But he doesn't love me any more but still wants me and DD to stay as long as we want in the house and will pay all the mortgage, etc. He's been looking at renting a flat in London. This obviously doesn't sit comfortably we me and I gave him some reasons why, managing alone, memories, rug from under our feet if he lost his job or decided to settle down again, etc. but obviously doesn't fully appreciate it from my perspective. I didn't want to say 'right that's it, I'm talking to my lawyer, I don't want him to get any idea I'm 'on it' while he's too busy with work and Athens

He's will go to mediation but I think he'd rather sort things amicably between us no chance, I will stay amicable but only through mediation. My gut instinct is he HASNT had any legal advice YET, most likely only what MIL has told him as she works for CAB, his head is too far up his arse right now,

I need to get to that lawyer tomorrow and instigate a clean cut

I bet the piece of shit hasn't even got World a birthday card!

World, I won't say have a Happy Birthday, because you're not going to be happy at the moment.
But I hope you at least manage to spoil yourself a little bit. Go and buy yourself a present charge it to his card
Have some wine and cake and whatever it takes to get through the day.
Take it easy.

But he doesn't love me any more but still wants me and DD to stay as long as we want in the house and will pay all the mortgage, etc.

Cheeky bastard.
It's like he wants to keep you on 'hold'
Like you said, what if he loses his job?

And whats with the 'I want'

World, it's good that he's said he doesn't love you, at least you know where you stand and you can move forward with conviction.
I agree you need to get to that lawyer tomorrow.

OP you're doing really well.

I think it's worth selling up ASAP, splitting the finances, and just going separate ways with a full, clean break. Not 'I'll pay the mortgage for you, just stay here, we can talk later'. Stuff that, he's out, so you're out. How could you bring a new man back to your old marital home, it would feel weird, you just need your own little cozy place and I think DD would do better with a fresh start too.

Don't tell him anything, just get SHL on it, and get the house valued.

Dear OP,

I have been lurking with deep admiration at all you are doing. You must be in shock, his behaviour is truly awful. Well done for doing so much more than hanging on.

From your messages it sounds like he is trying to manage both you and your mil and quite skilfully too.

With you, he has been caught, he has not shown any remorse, he has proposed a separation on his terms (staying in the annexe) which you subsequently said you are unsure about and now he is proposing mediation (in a cleverly vague way) (Is that to push the annex, delayed timetable?). One thing is clear, he doesn't appear to have any interest in leaving OWWHHK and returning to the marriage (I'm sorry). Also that when he wants something he seems to come to see you, talk about it and then leave. He's moving fast to get what he wants.

Your mil reports he is giving the impression he's confused, that he might do mediation to repair the relationship (what she wants) and these messages are totally different from the ones he is giving to you. Perhaps he is trying to manoeuvre the situation into making it seem to your mil that it is you who is the one on insisting on ending the marriage rather than him.

It must be very hard for you to try to work out what's going on and I reckon he's probably aware of that and playing with your feelings to get what he wants while you are vulnerable.

What is more important is you want? What is best for you and what is best for your DD? You obviously have an immediate need for someone to do jobs in your home, to look after hens, walk dogs, cut the grass, cancel guests in the annex etc, but are these things sidetracking you and preventing you from concentrating on how you and your daughter are going to live in the future, split the assets, get the best settlement, etc?

It's incredibly difficult but before he manoeuvres you into fast paced decisions, why don't you slow it down a bit, wait until after he's been to Athens to talk to him again, so you have some space to get away, see if he is going to Athens and to work out what you need.

Even if you do these courses it will be quite a while before you build up your business to live off your earnings. What financially can you do for yourself and what will you need from him financially in order to maintain you and your daughter? And since your SSH (shit shirt husband) doesn't seem to think much about your daughter's future needs, you may need to do the thinking for the two of you. Is your daughter planning to go to university for example, will she have live with you in her 20s? What kind of support might she need and what can you get for him now while he is still (marginally) engaged?

Good luck, anyway, we are all watching with horror at him and admiration for you...

It's not my birthday, that was a few weeks ago, but this weekend was my present

He sent me this text on his way home, after the last one

Also just to be clear I spent the weekend at the cafe royal hotel on my own. I tried to cancel it on Friday but they wouldn't let me without paying the full charge so I figured I might as well stay there. Yes it was expensive. Yes I booked it because at the time I felt it was a way of trying to compensate for how I felt about us. And yes I had booked before I started seeing the other person. I just need you to know this.

Oh, and in our talk he also did the 'I feel trapped'

So he booked a weekend away for the same date as your birthday weekend away when you were meant to be going away together? Huh?

bullshit,

I'd be clean cutting him World

'wants me and DD to stay as long as we want in the house and will pay all the mortgage, etc.'

Ask him to put that in writing, then you'll see his true colours.

What did the second solicitor say about him having to provide you with a mortgage free 3 bedroom house? I asked before but you might have missed it.

Ask him to put that in writing, then you'll see his true colours.
This.

Do a search on the Mid life Script on here - that way you can predict what he will say next....

He booked Athens while we were on holiday, before the affair had even really kicked off which was last week

As far as the Script is concerned I thing we're on a boy chapter 12

We all feel trapped from time to time FFS.

Isn't he good staying on his own? If the OW was available that would not have been the case.

The lack of care for you, and his complete lack of remorse for how he has hurt you and DD is making me quite angry (I admit it does bring it all back which is why I'm rooting for you).

He doesn't get to set himself with a new start in a flat and leave you to it.

If you want to sell up and buy and new place for your fresh start that is what you do.

God the entitlement he is expressing is breath taking.

OP your DD will potentially be studying for the next 3+ years, if she plans to take A levels.
It's not ideal but I separated and moved at a similar time to you. I made the decision if we were not moved by the Easter then it would have to be after exams.
I made sure my DS had a work space and all his book etc up until the day we moved. We left our house with wi fi and when they came home from school to the new property it was already installed (I had arranged for them to come the day we moved). I made sure he had a space to study while I sorted the house.
It had little or no impact on his GCSEs. We are now settled and he is studying for A levels.
If your DD goes to uni or into higher education they are no longer classed as a dependent. You need to be really careful if you plan to remain in the home until she finishes her A levels.
I made the decision to move while I would still get maintenance and financial support from ex. It also meant that I got a greater share of assets because I had two dependent DC.
It would have been emotionally easier in the short term to remain in the family home (ex would have allowed me), but long term I think I made the best decision for mine and the DC long term future.

Mediation is to try and sort out who gets what on a more friendly basis than going at it and racking up solicitor costs.

It could be a genuine offer for a fair deal. Or that he hopes by doing this, you won't lawyer up, know what you can expect and drive a hard bargain.

It is for separation/divorce.

There is absolutely no point think along the 'if he does go to Athens this weekend' line. He is going and he has made it very clear your marriage is ended.

He may regret is 6 months/a year/later down the line. Hopefully you will realise you are worth more and be at the stage to tell him to get lost if he tries creeping back.

He booked Athens 'whilst' you were on holiday?? . Crikey this is one really deluded bloke, caught in the very addictive 'buzz' of something 'new'.Have a feeling this is going to come crashing down a few months down the line and he will think 'what the fuck have i done' . The problem is of course in the meantime you are quite rightly going to disconnect, think what a tw** and mentally move on. When someone shows you they are capable of such ridiculous impulsive stupidity then its almost impossible to see them in the same light again.

Jesus, he is a weapons grade twat.

His selfishness knows no bounds... clean start, London pad, no major maintenance and not selling the biggest asset until your DD is no longer in need of support so you get a rotten deal!