#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

From that message, it does sound like he is referring to divorce.

When he gets home I would just ask him straight

Sorry OP, he really is cold hearted

Yes sounds like he's referring to divorce.
If so, wtf is he thinking to message that instead of waiting to speak face to face? Christ he really is a heartless bastard!

World I think it has been the law for a few years that couples have to consider mediation before a divorce. (with exceptions for DV etc) I think his lawyer has told him this. Also mediation can be a way of separating assets, arranging childcare etc without court involvement. I would be very careful that you are not being manipulated into agreeing anything.

I read to get help to work out how we can do things in the right way as meaning to separate and the right way is to go to mediation first. His talk with his mum might have clarified this for him suggesting that needs to appear to be reasonable (to protect his own interests not yours).

Sorry OP that's how I read it.

Sounds like he means mediation to sort out the divorce rather than to try and resolve relationship issues.

Get yourself sorted regardless .. have a list of what you want if he's willing to try and work through the issues with you and save the marriage - what are the deal breakers for you
Also have a list of what you want and deal breakers for a split, that way you don't end up agreeing to something in mediation in haste

Mediation is a process in which you eventually agree to the financials betwween you with help from an impartial mediator. This is cheaper than instructing your SHL to do it which would be costly. The SHL still actions the divorce etc.

Make sure you get advice from the SHL on what you're entitled to, though, and don't settle for less through mediation (this has happened to friends).

Agree with others that he means mediation about how to separate, not about whether to stay together. I'm sorry, his texts just sound so chilly, it makes me sad for you. You deserve so much better.

What a graceless message. 'I am prepared' means He doesn't want to. Talk 'if you like' means he doesn't want to.
He is doing this because of his DM. He means mediation to end the relationship not to rescue it.
He knows Athens is (another) final straw so don't give an ultimatum. Any attempt at a reconciliation has to come from him- then you can decide if you want to respond.
MIL may have been trying to help but as others have said you are not the consolation prize. He doesn't get you because he decides he doesn't want a life with MYOWHHK. You deserve someone who is with you because they want to be with you.
Also he tried to tell you ON HOLIDAY? Really? In a foreign country with dd there? He is either mad or lying. Stay strong world. Any counselling or decision he makes because of pressure from others are worthless. Not going to Athens does not mean the end of that relationship- it may just make him more sneaky. You deserve the best. Your dd certainly thinks so.

Also, surely there is nothing to discuss at the moment other than him telling you the date he is moving into rented accommodation. Have you got something nice you can go out and do the afternoon rather than wait on him coming back?

I don't think mediation is a requirement before filing for divorce on grounds of adultery. I'd be very tempted to just file, but talk to your lawyer before responding.

Actually I'd be interested to hear his version of what MIL said. That message suggests he thinks he's doing you a favour!

Agree with pp, my understanding is mediation is the 'softest' way of dividing assets in the event of divorce rather than arbitration or court. It's not legally binding if you don't agree, whereas the latter two are.

It's not marriage guidance counselling to try and work things out.

I don't think your PIL's perspective is helpful, he had obviously underplayed the whole YOW to them and so they think that there a chance of this all blowing over and reconciliation.

I would give them the full picture (ie he is going to Athens with her next week) and that he has agreed to start divorce proceedings (ie mediation).

It is a big shock but it is unhelpful for pil to give false hope

Just don't feel pressured into agreeing to anything. Listen, tell him you'll consider what he says, don't react, then run everything past your SHL. before you decide.

I found it helpful to agree to only discuss it in the mediation room. We travelled to and from mediation together (which was excruciating) and he was still in the house. It was hugely helpful to keep it in the room.

What's agreed in mediation is then rubber stamped with a court order to make it binding.

Sounds to me as if there's a sort of Chinese whispers beginning between World, PIL and Wonder Boy.

Is Mil referring to the need to have 'mediation', ( for financial reasons) but actually means couples counselling? ( to save the marriage).

I'm a bit confused with people talking about 'if' he goes to Athens next week- hasn't he already made it abundantly clear that he IS going? His callous coldness and apparent detachedness speaks volumes too. I don't think he's wavering about not going ahead with the separation at all.
Sorry if this sounds too blunt World. I'm aware that it must be really hard for you reading some of our posts.

He means divorce. Sorry OP

Mediation = sort out dispute, in this case division of assets.

Mediation isn't counselling

Oh and the fact that he's using the word mediation means he has almost certainly already got legal advice.

I've been following along from the beginning and it has to be said that the poor OP's D" H has no fucks to give regarding his cheating. It's quite astounding. He has checked out of this marriage a long time ago.

OP find your anger and tell the fucker to get out. If this was me, I wouldn't even be talking to him anymore and all communication would need to be through a solicitor (I've never been married before but I'm guessing this is something that can be done, if not forgive my ignorance). Don't just sit there waiting for him to decide whether he goes on the weekend away with the OW, or not. Its YOUR birthday weekend, It's very obvious he wants to be with the OW and has no fucks to give about you or your DD. He is selfish as you like, and his attitude towards you is abhorrent. Get rid, get rid, get rid, get rid!

This current weekend was supposed to be World's birthday treat at the hotel, Not next weekend which is the Athens trip.

Bambamrubblesmum
I know the difference between mediation and couples counselling. My point was, that I'm not sure MIL does.

It sounds like a pre-divorce mediation to me. I think the person who suggested you list all of your expenses and assets before you go in is very sensible. And don't agree to anything without running it by your lawyer first. The phrase "I will check with my lawyer and see what she says" is going to be your friend. I hope you have treated yourself to a nice birthday treat.

Don't agree to mediation without your solicitor's approval. Don't agree to any mediator picked out by your H. Mediators should be approved by the respective parties solicitors or the courts.

Either your MiL isn't telling you the truth, or she badly misunderstood what her son was telling her about his feelings on your marriage.

I don't think for a minute he was genuine with his DM, & was behaving like a naughty boy, all nodding & guilty silences were probably all meant to palm her off.
I believe he will go away this w/e. So far he has had zero empathy for you. He has been building up to this for months, (all that guitar playing)
This is what he wants, maybe didn't have the balls to own up to it just yet, but the mediation is how to split up "without a mess"