#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

Didn't an MNer snag herself a sexy gardener not long ago?

She did schnitzel and they're having a baby!

How lovely!

Is the BM's fiancée younger, world? If so, might have sparked some middle-aged-man competitiveness?

Fecking patronising BM git leaving the card in the hope it'll make him think and change his mind?!?!

Fuck the fuck right off. This isn't about what HE wants anymore. The presumption that you'd have him back is the most insulting thing ever.

Chuck the bloody card in 'his' room with the rest of his shit.

Morning World. Hope you have had some decent sleep and are feeling positive about the day.

Woke up this morning again with that reality bump🙃

My DD has started following me on Instagram (I've not really got into it) on her profile page she has this link to a song brought a tear to my eye

https://open.spotify.com/track/5q88vK8yqVkT7LBbjB6dic

Here's the lyrics

[Chorus: Turntan, Stitches & Beans]
I’ll be fine on my own, she said, I don’t need you inside my head
(She’ll be fine on her own, she'll be fine on her own)
I'll be fine on my own, she said, all my love's wrapped in shades of red
(She’ll be fine on her own, she'll be fine on her own)

[Verse 1: Turntan]
No holds barred in the ring so you'll fight me
Give 'em hell, give 'em teeth like you taught me
Tireless mess, seeking thrills getting bitey
When I'm in doubt
[Turntan & Beans]
Pudgy face kissing lace in the backseat
Wrinkled toss of the coin that I can't see
Don't forget I have you to be like me
Where around is enough for a family

[Chorus: Turntan & Stitches, Stitches & Beans]
I’ll be fine on my own, she said, I don’t need you inside my head
(She’ll be fine on her own, she'll be fine on her own)
I'll be fine on my own, she said, all my love's wrapped in shades of red
(She’ll be fine on her own, she'll be fine on her own)

[Verse 2: Turntan]
Growing pains splaying rain on the high sea
Scale a tree, snap a branch so you can't leave
On the ground, lost and found, understand me
Putting words in my mouth, trying to get free
[Turntan, Beans & Stitches]
Solid punch kind of eyes make ‘em wobbly
Gothic vine growing fire in the lobby
Lighten up, buttercup, get a hobby
Yeah, swing, sucker, swing, finish sobbing

You are doing so well World. I too would caution against remaining in the house although obviously it is still very early days. I remained in our beautiful house with DS and shifted all ex's stuff out. I also changed the locks ( he was raging but didn't dare do anything because he was scared I'd publicise his affair - he's quite a well known person with a holier than thou public image). I was thinking of moving anyway as hated being surrounded by so many reminders of our former life but the real catalyst was when I started dating someone else. Ex DP went berserk and said he didn't want another man in 'our' house etc. He seemed totally blind to the hypocrisy. Finally house was sold and I moved with DS to a different area of Uk to live with new DP but it was a scary time and I worried that it would damage new relationship ( ex DP used to drive round and sit outside house). I suppose all I am saying is that a living arrangement that might seem fine at the time can quickly turn sour when an ex feels he is losing control. Yours sounds horrifically similar to mine! xx

Thinking of you often world, sounds like you're being very sensible but reality is dawning. If and when HE asks where you are, what you're doing etc, casually drop into conversation you bumped into an old school friend and went out to dinner....he might not want you but I guarantee he won't want anyone else to have you either. The satisfaction from seeing him squirm and torn between being desperate to ask you more whilst trying to be blasé. If you feel a bit fed up play that card, it'll cheer you up a bit!

Re the dogs and chickens, is he planning to take his dog? Unless you and DD have a huge attachment to it I'd insist he does. I'd be looking to rehome the chickens if you can and don't want to be bothered with them.

Keep going and walking forward X

Sorry I must have been typing at the same time as you were. Those lyrics are heart rending. I just don't know how people who have affairs can get any pleasure from it when they know the devastation it will cause to their children. It is a shame that you,rather than he,was the one to have to read them. You're doing all you can to help your DD through this - you're brilliant. xx

bathsheba why did you put up with that? When you could have told the whole world about his affair?

It does sound like your DH has already sought legal advice, even if it was just an off the record chat.
Even though your world is upside down and you have a thousand what ifs in your head, keep your feet on the ground and make sure you start to collect hard copies of every bank statement, savings account, pay slip, his work contract, pension plan statements, loan agreements etc etc. And get an appointment with your SHL to find out what you need to do re finances.

Yep your husband is a bastard how could he do this to your daughter who is clearly a very sensitive beautiful soul. Those lyrics killed me it's definitely an insight on how your dd is feeling about all of this.

Also to you that has handed him 25 years of your life he may as well have spat in your eyes in regards to how he feels about that.

I hope he was at least honest with his parents and told them he just couldn't keep his cock in his pants!!!

There's been a few suggestions that you defer the course.... I don't think that's a wise move. At the end of the day you want to be in a position where you can support yourself, without having to rely on him.

It's fine to get your entitlement, but your DD is 15 and I personally think it's far better for a daughter to know that women don't get married just to have children and SAH.

It would be a little different if you had young children, but there's no reason /excuse not to build a career for yourself.

World you and DD will be ok. Many of us have lived through this. I for one am certainly happier. The grass is greener for me, even though it wasn't my choice to look for it.

I do agree with Bathsheba. I don't feel entirely comfortable with DP here as it is our 'family' home. And XH chose to live nearby so even going out together makes me a little nervous.

You are doing brilliantly.

What a strong song.
It sounds like your DD looks up to you World and wants you to stay strong and have the same fire in her belly. It is heartbreaking she feels so betrayed and hurt, but DH has yet to realise the destruction he has brought on the whole family. Not just between him and you.

Your daughter sounds like a strong girl who has been very very hurt. But you will both get through this.

Sandy I have to disagree if someone is comfortable and wants/can afford to be a stay at home parent then I think it's brilliant and anybody who chooses to do so is no less of a person than the next. Wether you work or not is so little contribution to you as a person that I think regardless of wether world had a course or not lined up I think that's probably the last thing she is teaching her daughter right now .

To repeat what innagazing stated a few pages back this is not what the thread is about so let's not derail it with the "me working mummy better than you stay at home mummy" argument, hmmm.

Mustang I agree. The decision they made as a couple was that one of them would stay at home. Perfectly valid decision in my opinion. He has now reneged on that path. If Workd chooses to work for self esteem etc great but it is not right for him to make a unilateral decision which affects her profoundly.

lazy sadly though being a SAHM requires the support of two people. If one removes support then the situation needs to be re-examined. Decisions like these are never set in stone, which is why I believe it's always wise to have something on the backburner in case the rug is pulled.

I don't agree with work giving you value but I do think it's wise to encourage our daughters to have independent means so they can look after themselves whatever life throws at them. Its a very important life lesson I took from my parents' divorce and has really stood me in good stead. I will pass it on to my daughter.

I just off the phone from MIL. His DPs picked him up from the station, took him back to theirs and sat him down, asked him to explain himself. He apparently didn't know what to say, MIL says he's not being the son she knows at all. He wouldn't tell them anything about OW other than he hardly knows her! They told him they are hugely disappointed in the way he's behaved and treated us.

She also said he didn't tell them anything about us other than what I had already told her, nothing she didn't already know from me, he had apparently tried to tell me on holiday but just couldn't. MIL told him exactly what he was setting himself up for with OW, starting a new family at his age, etc and what he is losing if he continues; the one and only time of your life to start doing all the things you wanted do that don't involve raising kids!

She also confessed to him at having been in exactly the same unhappy place as him at exactly the same age and wanted out of the marriage, his DF was also working all the time or otherwise busy with his obsessive hobby. They talked it out and with his support she studied a new career which made her happier and now they are living a happy life.

She has insisted to him that we go to mediation together, sure, I'll go along with that if he keeps to his word, but I'm not going to leave myself open and vulnerable to him stabbing me in the back again later

He will be back sometime later today, would be nice if perhaps he could get back to clean the chickens, take the dogs for a walk, maybe discuss anything with me. Then he's away Monday-Wednesday on business Then still insists he still goes away Friday for the weekend to meet OWHHK - he hardly knows, again with DP he was not open about what the weekend was. This next weekend will be the deal breaker either way. I think if he goes away he'll either return and that's it, marriage over or realise what a fool he's been and grovel. I don't know what to feel, think or anything, what choice to make if I get one, whatever happens it's not going to be easy, there will be a lot of life changes and heartache but my guard is now up and I'm not going to sit back and wait until then, I'm still going to line up my ducks and finger on the trigger.

Timeisnotaline asked why I didn't publicise my ex's affair and I have to admit my first instinct was to do exactly that. I know I could have sold my story to the papers for a considerable amount of money. It was my solicitor and barrister who both cautioned against it - they said my DS would inevitably find out what I had done and might judge me harshly for it. Also there was a good chance that it would wreck exDP's career. If that happened I wouldn't get the high level of child maintenance that I receive for DS. So, it was purely for pragmatic reasons that I didn't broadcast what he'd done and with whom. Believe me I would have loved to! I did have one glorious moment when I told him I might go to The Daily Mail and he turned ashen! Seriously though you have to think about the impact on the child of discrediting their father publicly.

When he goes for his little weekend with OWHHK I'd be tempted to tie dye every one of his work shirts for him - you know, because that's his style now. If he doesn't start pulling his weight with the animals, dump the chicken shit in his room after cleaning their coop with his toothbrush. Spineless twat.

You are being amazing but please don't let him go on this weekend so he can decide one way or the other. He is your husband if he goes away with OW that has to be it even if he does come back grovelling

He is telling you loud and clear. I might be back. I'm not sure yet. It depends on whether the ow wants me. If she does, I'll leave you but if you could just wait there for me until I decide, that'd be great.

What a knob lol.

Surely you're not going to do that?

As to mediation, no-one is listening to you! Once again, the message is loud and clear. He shits on you, isn't remorseful, doesn't care, keeps on doing it but if you could agree to help a counsellor make him happy enough to think about trying again, that'd be great.

Who do they think they are? More importantly, what kind of idiot do they think you are? Says a lot doesn't it.

Yes I'd make clear that if he goes to Athens there'll be divorce papers ready when he gets back.

Morning World - am I right in thinking this is your birthday weekend? If so