#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

Just caught up World. So sorry, and allow the melt-downs to come. They will pass.

Karma was kind to me. Obviously I take no pleasure whatsoever in that XH and YOW 's relationship failed and he now lives in his pokey flat (he wanted a 'bachelor pad' as he saw himself as a 'player') where the DCs don't want to go as there isn't the space for them (he thought he'd see the DCs in the family home, leaving him to enjoy his pad). He's now older, fatter, single and miserable. I pity him.

He didn't buy bad shirts, he started to wear skinny jeans. So bloody predictable.

If I may suggest:

www.amazon.co.uk/Diabolical-Voodoo-Doll-Ex-Husband/dp/B0013SR8EE?tag=mumsnetforum-21

BFF actually made one herself and we had a lovely evening sticking pins in it (hers was 'anatomically correct', she's vv talented sewing) and drinking wine. Then when we were lit, we lit a fire in her fireplace and burnt it to a crisp. Childish, but we really enjoyed it!

You're doing grand!

I definitely think him renting something else is the best idea. It will not feel 'over' if he's in the annex and whilst part of you might be clinging onto that, it's not a good idea. You need it to be properly over to move forward. Try to fill the gap in the rental periods.

Rehoming the chickens will help if you can find a nice home for them.

Mediation is a complete waste of time when he's declared it over. There's not even any point to work towards a settlement because he's not going to play fair. Just file fir divorce siting adultery & naming her. You have enough proof.

I wouldn't put off selling the house either. The sooner you settle everything with WankerChops the better deal you will get. Plus the sooner you settle it, the less chance he has of having a baby on the way.

I know it bloody hurts, but it doesn't matter if they rent together or not, he's acting like a sad middle aged git...loves young dream . It's highly unlikely to last, but in the meantime you can't stop it, so try not to dwell on it.

If DD is a pretty sensible kid she'll be fine home alone with a friend or boyfriend a couple of times a month. (It wouldn't worry me them having the house to themselves, they're either having sex or they're not and having a house to shag in was never a prerequisite in my day - doubt that's changed any!)

You'll also find other parents will be very supportive in having DD to stay once a month or so, if you don't feel comfortable with leaving her at home on her own.

This is a bit sneaky, but I'd be inclined to tell the shirted Wonder Boy that you've decided not to do the course after all. You can just 'forget' to tell him that you changed your mind again, or are doing a different course etc etc if he actually finds out that you are doing it after all..

Or you could tell him you're doing a Zen Buddhism for newly abandoned wives course, just for fun. No chance of making any money out of that in the future!

Am I getting over invested here?

Don't let him stay in the annex.

Many many moons ago I separated from XH1. I owned the flat under his and when we parted moved into my ground floor flat. Every time the main door shut I was curtain twitching. It really was the ultimate head fuck. I lasted just over a week then moved to my parents and let it out while I found somewhere else to live.

I guarantee that when he stops pretending to have your interests at heart he won't give a damn about bringing OW back to the annex whatever he agrees now.

Chickens are a doddle to keep, just stick play grade woodchip down to combat the winter mud.

@AcrossthePond55

Chickens are a doddle to keep
They're still a bind if OP is doing studies or going away and could make her a bit dependent on her ex, which needs to be avoided.

Just popping in to continue the support lass, and to say don't let him stay in the annex. As others have said, although it'll hurt to realise and accept it, he's been planning this for some time.

At 1843 on "why do women mostly instigate divorce?"

World I thought this might resonate with you and be rather positive though I know that's hard at this moment:

"My ex walked to be with the much younger OW and couldn't be bothered to set the divorce in motion. Probably because he knew he was going to lose a LOT in the settlement. I petitioned after a year, was awarded 90% house equity and 200k of his pensions. OW not happy he couldn't then keep he in the style she would have liked so left him. Me? Sitting pretty in a gorgeous mortgage free cottage with a 5 year younger boyfriend so life is good "

If you are sure you can manage the course then go ahead, it will be a welcome relief to focus on something else. I've just had my divorce through its taken quite a while. I often needed something else to think about as it can get all consuming.

Re the grass. Could you not employ a gardener? I mean if twatface wants to spend joint money, surely it's justified? I'm thinking this chap.

If you want to do the course then go ahead. Im a bit sceptical of it being a complicated conspiracy on his part, but if you are wondering you can say to him you think you will probably defer , you're too upset. And see how he reacts... then do It anyway of course.

Do these men not own a mirror?

I'm guessing he's been a twat and his fucked off DW has been following this thread, saw the shirt and decided to get revenge by ordering him it so everyone can take the piss.

Yet more great advice, and suggestions, thank you lovelies!

I tried to busy and distract myself more today. My mum has called twice today bless her, I know she cares but I hope she's not going to start calling me too often raking over it all each time.

I went to get my nails done but unfortunately they were short staffed so I'll go back next week. I also popped into a couple of the estate agents to book valuations,

I hadn't been home long when there was someone at the door. It was DHs BM he had come around with an anniversary card for us. He though I was going to tell him DH had had an accident but wheN I told him what DH has done he was shocked, really shocked. He said he's not heard from him since he and his fiancé (he's never been married before) came over to us to dinner and hot tub a few weeks ago, he said he'd tell her but not anymore else. He's sure DH must be having some kind of MLC, maybe he'll come to his senses, but I told him I don't know if i could forgive him now if he returned to try and make up. He left the card in the hope it might make him think.

Hahahahahah the shirt.

Men in general tbh

MLC - the Middle Aged mans 'boys will be boys'. Doesn't wash, just a cop out for shitty behaviour.

Do you want to stay in the house OP? There are pros and cons, but for me it was about keeping things consistent. We can stay until youngest is 21.

I don't know if I want to stay, I don't think DD does and I'm worried what we could end up in. What happens to the house at 21?

I was on Facebook and the bloody ads were suggesting I buy that shirt. You have a lot to answer for!

If I was closer I'd bring you coffee and croissants for breakfast to cheer you up.

I new house = a fresh start. You may want to have some idea what settlement you are likely to end up with before you make any big decisions.

Oh and ouch. Not the best time for an anniversary and card arriving. Big hugs.

Sell it with a 70:30 split. He has his flat, and a smaller share of the house. I worry because I want the DCs to have a home with me as long as they need one, and so many these days return home after Uni. I'll hang onto it as long as I can but will never be able to buy him out I don't think.

Saying that, my DCs are younger and I have more, so it's a different slant. In your position, I probably would have bought somewhere of my own. Mainly so he didn't feel entitled to walk in whenever he so chose.

I absolutely second THAT gardener 😉
Nothing wrong with a bit of eye candy.
And you're doing so well op.
Give yourself a pat on the back. You're awesome!

I'm suddenly thinking of getting a gardener.