#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

Ledkr i can just picture all that!

Morning everyone , we are still in bed; send coffee Saturday, dogs on post breakfast nap

Been on the phone to my mum, she called after I told her yesterday, she didn't sleep well and is thinking of me. She lives on her own voluntarily man free after divorce-widowed (lovely stepdad passed away days before my 11th birthday) and then the breakdown of long term relationship 20+ yrs.

I had a bit of a melt down last night and am hating the moment I wake up and realise my daytime nightmare; my 'insecurity dream' come true.

*second

That feeling when you wake up in the morn and feel like you've been hit by a sledge hammer again will eventually pass. I'm glad you have support from your mum

I am so glad you're Mum came good. I bet she didn't sleep, your children's pain is your pain, it doesn't matter how old they are.

Loved Ledkr's tale too! Good old cousin Karma.

You will have ups and downs, you'd have to be made of stone not to. But you're doing so very well already, and you will get through it in time. I'm glad your mum has been good. When I went through a horrible breakup with my ex it was surprising who was there for me (and who I thought would be but wasn't!). And my ex's mum was fantastic throughout it all, in fact she's still my friend 15 years later because she was such a star.

Morning World!
I'm still in bed too. It's what Saturday mornings re for these days as DD is eighteen, and does the same.
That feeling as you wake up and realise something in your life is wrong is gut wrenching. It will pass in time. Meanwhile, concentrate on one day at a time and be kind to yourself.
I'm glad your mum was supportive. Does she live far away?

Hey World good morning. You are doing great. You can do this. You are showing your DD the best possible role model. That her Mum will NOT be treated like this and that she shouldn't accept it either.

That is good parenting. She won't forget.

I cancelled the cc, the twat nearly cancelled the account! I'm hoping today I'll get myself into the village and get my nails done, they've overdue, I like them short as poss and they've getting annoying.

Mum suggested I get rid of the chickens (8) she might be right, I can always get a couple again in future but they are a pia in the winter months when the run gets muddy. I also need to see about getting the grass cut (we are on 1.5 acres) our ride-on finally died before the holiday, great timing, so it's in dire need of cutting and the .5 size dog #3 is struggling through it, she does hand stand pees and her little face gets lost!

My mum now lives further south about 1.45 hr away, near a well known posh sailing town, she only has a little 2bed so difficult to visit or stay with 3 dogs, plus she has her own. I suggested once DH moves out she can visit and stay a bit (before she drives me nuts!)

Hi

I agree re the chickens, you don't need anymore stress and like you says the winter months aren't here yet.

Re the grass, let twat face sort it out? You have enough to do around the house.
Why should he just go swooning about, and you get the hard work of the up keep of the house.

Go get your nails done, take your mind off twat face for a while.

How's your DD coping, she's at a difficult age, and him showing her utter ignorance is diabolical. He need to grow a pair.

Xx

I'm glad your mum has applied the pressure to her tact button and not given you a hard time and actually said something relatively supportive.

Yep chickens are a pain especially in winter months.

Get a quote for someone coming in to cut the grass I wouldn't rely on him to sort that his head is to far up his own arse.

I'm glad you've got something nice on today. Is there somewhere nice you could have lunch? I enjoy doing this on my own and usually take my ipad with me as most places have internet.
Shame your mum is further away than an easy 'pop in'. Hope she makes it over soon, whether husband gone or not!

Yes, let twatface sort out the grass situation, though it may be quicker for you to do it. Can you buy those sit ons second hand? Then sell it on when you need to.
Handstand pees?

Where he lives and how he pays for his "lifestyle" is not your problem to sort out. Just tell him he cannot come back to your home as it is too upsetting, where would he like you to send his clothes etc?

I am glad you cancelled the credit card. This needs sorting as quickly as possible.

I had to lose my chickens when I got divorced, it was just too much to deal with on top of everything else. Just concentrate on yourself and DD and make plans for a new life for yourselves. Pay as little thought to him as possible. Keep telling yourself he isn't your problem any more.

I used to wake during the early hours feeling murderous I used to plan hideous acts of revenge which I'd have decided against by morning!

I'm now 6yrs post something similar. I would advise you to stop thinking vengeance. Leave that to the universe. He will not suddenly become a new person and have a mega successful second marriage. Once the romance has faded she will be facing all the same issues you have faced with him - only she will be living with an old man

I speak from experience having had a conversation this week with the YOW - now exHs dw. "When he was with you was he..? Did he..?"

You have to decide what your priority is now. You could emotionally detach, work for a fair solution re assets and in being reasonable you might be able to maintain good relationships with the inlaws - if that matters to you? It was a priority for me as I was (still am) very close to them and my dc very very close to gps and cousins. This meant biting my tongue a lot, not fighting over some assets, being satisfied with enough rather than all I was entitled to. I did have a career of my own so was able to earn though - that's a huge difference in situations. If you need to fight tooth and nail with a SHL then relationships are likely to suffer, but I would still advocate detachment - I watched a friend almost tear herself in two with rage - he stayed steely calm - the only people to suffer were her and the dc in the middle of it. He got all the sympathy for dealing with the banshee she became (and his family believed him that the poor lamb had been living with this harridan for decades)

Just looked at your original thread again, world, and this stood out: I'm starting a year long study in September, his suggestion some months ago for what I'm going to do 'next' as I've been a SAHM.

He's been planning for a long time.

Tell him that you're going to defer the course because you're too upset by his behaviour to focus on it, see what his reaction is.

This was my thought too, he is setting the scene to show that World is becoming more independent.

He's trying to ensure he won't have to pay her any maintenance because she can earn enough to feed herself.

World, try to make life as easy as possible for yourself on the maintenance front. Let someone else cut the grass, get rid of the chickens then you only have the dogs to worry about. Make practical things as easy as possible for you. As others have said, he's been planning this for sometime and has his ducks in a row. Concentrate on getting what you want - as soon as possible. Get a divorce petition ready & file it. Time for you to take control. He underestimated you - big mistake. Hopefully his complacency will be his undoing. We'll done on getting the cc cancelled. Make sure you're getting lots of cashback . You're doing fantastically well, but make sure you eat and stay hydrated. My mum forced berocca down me every morning for a few weeks - it did help x

But even if OP did the course, it would be long time before she could have built up enough business to make a living out of it. I don't know much about aromatherapy but I wouldn't have thought you could earn megabucks very quickly - please correct me if I am wrong. So how much would his lawyer think she could earn?

Having a bit of a melt down from time to time through all this is normal, world and would be more worrying if you never. It is really tough and you will feel traumatised. You do need to allow yourself to feel the pain and go with it then eventually you learn to let it go. It takes time and some days may feel worse just when you think your getting better. It's early days but going to get nails done is excellent idea. Keep looking after yourself.

World, you're doing fabulously, but don't get carried away with the whole drama of this on here.

That said, whether you divorce or end up back together (and surely after 25 years together, that should never be entirely discounted?), you will come out of this best if you show him - and your daughter - that you absolutely value yourself and will not be taken for a ride.

So, tell him that as he's made his decision, he should go and crack on with his new life, and that absolutely the annex is not appropriate.

Show him that you are making official steps to legalise and end to the marriage, and you are not sitting around moping for him.

Make sure he knows that he will still have financial commitments, but be honest with yourself that he ain't going to be helping you feed the chickens or walk the dog.

Oh, and cancel that credit card for sure, whether his new one has arrived or not. Why on earth would he even want to be spending on her with a card in your name?!