#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

I agree that he has the tone of someone 'managerial'.
My ex twunt was the same.
Their egos are massaged because to many they are 'the boss'. They are used to being admired and in charge. Ergo, they feel that they are entitled to having an affair, and crucially can't see a gold digger. They really think they are irresistible. Inevitably, it is their arrogance that is their downfall.

Disclaimer: my ex was the most arrogant self entitled twunt that ever walked this earth. However, if I'd bought him that shirt that your stbxh bought, he would have said, "What the feck fresh hell is this Cary".

Yes but if he'd bought it Cary, it would have been v stylish

Yep, absolutely Schnitzel

Just seems mad that he would throw his marriage down the pan for a 3 week affair. He isn't. He wants out of the marriage (on his timetable). The affair is a red herring. What he really loves is himself. And money.

Oh gosh OP. Please act on the amazing advice you're being given from women who have been in your situation. He will so fuck you over otherwise.

Urgh, what a tosser he sounds -- all the business speak with you, his wife of decades! And the awful shirt.

I think the PP who suggests that he's been feeding YOW a line about having 'separated in all but name', and already living in the annex, is probably on to something.

I expect she'll be totally horrified if the older married man she expected to have a brief fun fling with shows up practically on her doorstep, suggesting they move in! Nobody is as attractive when they're whining about a divorce or wearing embarrassing dad shirts to try to impress you...

He sounds as if he's had some legal advice and think he can either blindside you or he thinks you're stupid.
Don't agree to anything he says until you've talked it through with a lawyer.

Be angry.

Hi @worldupsidedown,
I am so shocked at how callous he is. I get a horrible feeling he's hiding something more. He's been planning to leave you for a while and he's already sought professional advice. He has NO intention of giving up the house. The 'dream studio' is still in his long term plans. He's already playing the manipulative script with you "it'll get easier...let's keep thinking it thru...I'll support you thru the course...I need YOUR cc for work" He's playing the softly, softly card BANKING on it to become unbearable for you so that YOU leave.

Anyone who has been so unhappy for years would be delighted to get his stuff and go make another life for himself, but he's hanging in there to make sure he gets more!! He's been lining his ducks up for some time and there are only a few left to go. You are WAY behind him! It's time to catch up quick and sort your finances out.

I'm actually so tearful writing this. As human beings we hurt emotionally and how one person can inflict such deep pain on another is beyond comprehension. And he continues to do so. He is not the man you married. Please don't make the mistake of believing he is.

You are hurting right now. He is the man you love and the man you married for better or worse. His betrayal is despicable. We're all here for you!

World I've been lurking on all your threads. for you.

I too am nervous that he may be putting his ducks in a row much faster than you think, while you are naturally preoccupied with thoughts of him and OW. This is the "exit affair", not a star-crossed love. I'd be surprised if he wants to move straight in with her. I'd also be surprised if she was trying to get pregnant to a sugar daddy. 33yr old in London doing an art degree does not say that to me. And btw other posters are misunderstanding the London context - it's perfectly normal to be in a houseshare well into your thirties, this doesn't imply she's on her uppers or desperate to be supported.

Focus on your solicitor process and your idea of what should happen, and be prepared to stop talking to him, don't believe in this "let's keep thinking it through" line that implies this is some kind of joint project. He is out for himself.

"Don't agree to anything he says until you've talked it through with a lawyer"

Yes to this, but I'd suggest:
Don't LISTEN or engage with him, leave it with your lawyer.

I have absolutely nothing productive to add, but could we please start referring to him as SSH (shit shirt husband) it helps me visualise him as the deluded clown that he is.

He'd be very foolish to rent a place with the OW right now.

That would seriously affect his relationship with your DD.

And this... If you have had sex anytime recently, he also needs to do the decent thing and have a sexual health check as condoms are not 100% reliable - book him an appointment

Why should the OP book him an appointment? She needs to look after herself and have her own test.

Also agree that divorce sooner than rather than later is better for you.

He wants you earning, so that he doesn't have to pay out as much.

The husband seems like he's been thinking of this moment for years. Going through all these scenarios. Thinking of what he'll say and how he will respond to whatever you throw at him.

He sounds like he is in control right now tbh.

Totally agree with VonSchnitzel.

He has been planning this for a while and he currently believes he is 100% in control. He thinks you are utterly stupid and that he is running rings around you.

He believes he can keep all of his assets and his attitude to the cc gives it away completely.

So sorry to read update, totally inconsiderate of your feelings.

How the fuck do you ignore your daughter when she walks in, he's fucking embarrassed that's why.

This will make you and your daughter so close.

you get all you can from this man(he's not your friend, never will be from now on)
He's a liar, will tell you what he thinks you should know, and nothing more.
Be so so careful, he will try to draw you in , in his thinking of an amicable split(better for him)

Space from him is needed(as much as you may want to see him) the only/best way to get through this for your own sanity and well being.
Out of sight, out of mind (eventually)
Him in the city, is best all round. No bumping into them(aghhhhh)

Best wishes for you and DD. Xxx

Been lurking since thread 1, World, and just want to say:

1. Well done on holding it all together with such aplomb in such challenging circumstances, and:
2. I'm really relieved you're not going to go along with his cockamamie annex idea.

Like PPs, I believe it is a given that he'd bring the OW there and worse, may even move her in. Stranger things have happened!

I know someone this happened to. She and her DH split up but neither wanted to move out of the marital home so they carried on living under the same roof.

Don't ask me how he managed it but after a while he started bringing his "new" girlfriend back and, over time, moved her in. They holed up in his bedroom on the top floor of the house until it was sold. The DW is fine now - that was several years ago and she has her own place now - but it's a cautionary tale.

I understand it's hard to switch off your emotions. I haven't been through a divorce but ex-DP had an affair.

I was in love with him, but ended it because he was treating me like sh*t and I couldn't take any more. I didn't know about the affair then - only suspected it, which he denied.

But the best thing I did was to move out of his house - out of his city even - and cut off all contact. I was able to get the recovery process under way much sooner and focus on myself rather than listening to his BS (he was trying to talk me round and keep me on hold until HE was ready to end it).

I realise you're not in a position to cut him off because of DD, but the more you distance yourself, and minimise contact (via SHL), the sooner your head will clear and you can start to focus on you and DD.

Distance, silence, absence are your friends. As are the fantastic MN community.

World, you are doing absolutely brilliantly and have conducted yourself with incredible restraint and dignity - something you will never regret. Just KOKO. And don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are upset. Just keep a pasted on that beautiful face of yours. One day you will look back and laugh at him.

I still can't get over the shirt tbh ! ...

I missed the pic of the shirt, but I think I am getting the gist of it

Lilaofthegreenwood talks a lot of sense. There is a lot of projection about the OW here and none of it is based on fact. The fact that you do know is that he wants to leave; everything else is unnecessary noise. Focus on getting the best deal you can for yourself - use all your energies on that.

He seems to have checked out of marriage emotionally some time ago.

Good luck!

Hi OP, how are you this morning?
You will get through this and you and your daughter will come out of the other side, I have.

From my experience it seems to be in his interests to move slowly whilst it is DEFINITELY in yours to move quickly - you will get a better financial deal this way.

I am 18 months on now. I started counselling and that has kept me alive (no exaggeration) when the going gets tough. It's very likely that the lovely man you married has now gone, changed into someone with different morals and a different point of view. I found this really hard to see or understand, but now I know I'm still the same lovely Teabay as before!

Please protect yourself and your daughter through your SHL, ask them for the worst case, leave their office, cry, and then come back fighting.

You can do it.
(and cancel the card he holds on your account immediately....From experience) x

Just picture the scene in a few years time when the gloss has worn off and he’s reverted to what he’s used to. He’ll be sitting at
the far end of the room while YOW will be dealing with screaming, fractious, babies and he’ll be strumming his guitar in that shirt.
And you, OP, will happily be rushed off your feet with your new life.
I could almost feel sorry for the poor fool

Delurking - this happened to me I had a very happy long marriage which very quickly went wrong and fell apart when I discovered an affair- I just knew in the pit of my stomach and then as they say lined my ducks up. He clearly is getting legal advise too. Do you know what you want. This is what kept me going
Wise old owl sitting on the oak
The more she heard the less she spoke.
The less she spoke, the more she heard
Wasn't she a wise old bird.
Wait and see what he offers you.

I saw my exh YOW yesterday at the pool.
She was overweight run off her feet with 4 screaming kids, big buggy lots of bags.
My ex was off doing some selfish thing with friends.
I was swanning about fresh from 3 weeks in the south of France, tanned and relaxed with friends while my 6 year old swam with her pals.
I said hello and exchanged a few pleasantries.
I felt very smug and grateful to my friend Karma.