#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

Is he quite senior in work? As I note the tone of his texts seems a bit 'managerial'.
I get that a lot from my stbexh.He uses a fair bit of slightly ludicrous management speak when conversing with me, which on one hand makes me smirk and think again what a Lucky escape I've had, but does convey that he thinks of me as someone to manage or as an employee (I feel sorry for those he line manages)... don't be managed by him op-you aren't his to boss around or rely on anymore.

Tell him you've already thought it through and definitely want him to live elsewhere. No reason it should take longer... He can start by moving in with his mum.

Definitely not a good idea to let him have the annexe. Well done on sliding out of that.
You're an absolute wonder!

What a fool. He hasn't realised yet he is just a sugar daddy while she's a student.

Get things going, World. He's lining things up to shaft you. No to annexe, get rid of the cc, divorce in hand. He has absolutely taken legal advice.

It is not your problem how he finds time to sort things out and you cannot arrange things by amicable agreement. It HAS to go through solicitor. I suspect from his actions he's actually very ready for this and expecting you yo fall into line (which so far you are!). I hope you aren't still with the soft lawyer, this is not recoverable and I'm horrified she's trying to sell you it this way. Please, please start playing hardball or you and DD will be left high and dry.

You do not take your cues from him - you do not take his suggestion of his things are going to be. It should be you telling him, not him telling you his intentions!

Still stunned at his selfish arrogance. And that he sees a relationship with someone almost 20 years younger than him as a good option!! You are so well rid of this useless prat. Xxx

I wouldn't worry about him renting a bigger place for him and OW. That's not going to affect the share of assets or child maintenance you end up with. He has to provide a home for his DD, not his OW. That's what the court is concerned with, not that he's rented some expensive flat. If the courts took into consideration the cost of his flat, every man would rent a mansion so they could tell the courts "See, I can't afford to pay maintenance and I need a bigger share of assets".

And whether or not OW moves in with him shouldn't be something you even think about. What will be will be, don't worry about what you can't control. I know it will be painful, but there's nothing you can do about it. You concentrate on YOU and DD and getting that divorce paperwork started.

We all know this fling will fizzle out. Op I hope you don't take him back which is inevitably what he will try for. Stay strong and know your self worth!

he is just a sugar daddy while she's a student.

The deluded old fool doesn't realize she's using him.

He has to provide a home for his DD, not his OW.

Absolutely.
You have to ask yourself.
What kind of low life puts his OW and his dick before the well-being and security of his own Daughter.
He's no father.
A father would put his child first.

We all know this fling will fizzle out

Not if she gets pregnant it won't.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire for Mister Shit Taste In Shirts

"There is not 'us', so we won't be thinking anything through together. I want you out. Now."

What a wanker

"Let's keep thinking it through" = "I need to tell my lawyer you didn't bite".

He has already taken legal advice and I would bet he's been preparing for this for a long time, probably with the intention of divorcing you when DD turns 18. And he is absolutely planning to shaft you. The affair and its discovery may have knocked him a little bit off-course but he's still confident he has the upper hand .

Anyway, let's suppose for a moment that OW is not a wanton home-wrecker but has been told by your H that you have been living "together but separately" for a long time with the aim of splitting for when DD goes to college. To that end, he is supporting you in training for a new career.

Since his friendship with OW has coincided with his gradual withdrawal from the marriage I think it's very likely he has been feeding her this line for a long time - not necessarily with the objective of shagging her, more trying on his new persona for size.

And she's bought it all, because initially they were just friends, and then he was a shoulder to cry on when her engagement ended (SO predatory - what a creep!), and then he pursued her, and now he's open about them being together - if fact he's actually joining her on holiday next week!

If that's the case, he NEEDS to maintain the fiction that the divorce is really just formalising arrangements that have been in place for some time - after all, he lives in the annexe! And what with your course and DD needing to get used to the idea, there's no reason to rush especially if it lets him hold onto more money. Clearly the truth will come out eventually but by then she'll be invested in the relationship,with him.

Whereas if she suddenly and shockingly finds herself named as co-respondent in a divorce petition brought by his wife she will be alerted to the fact that he's a conniving adulterer who has lied TO HER without conscience as well as to his spouse. And you have proof of adultery from both of them (the card and the recording) so I don't see how they could challenge it.

Be a real shame if he lost his hot new younger woman as well as 60 percent of his assets, wouldn't it?

OP you will have the last laugh. If the relationship continues, she will, as others have said, promptly get pregnant. So he'll be going to A Level options meetings when he's nearly 70

If she Just out of an engagement, I wonder if he is her rebound? How long will that last?!?

Glad you seem to have a shl there

It doesn't matter what happens to his new relationship. Marriage and kids and being a 70 year old at parents evening. Over in a month and a string of relationships. Hard as it might be to imagine right now, he will become unimportant. A bit embarrassing. He sounds so full of ego and bullshit. Like many women on this forum, world will move onwards and upwards as the shock subsides.

Another reason for him to delay: if she does get pregnant/want kids he can't marry her while he's still married to you. Not going to risk another divorce at his age.

Basically it's in his interests to move slowly and yours to move quickly, so he will be trying to stall things as much as he can.

It would be lovely to find someone gossipy at his office a bit further down the line, once the financials are agreed, and feed them a bit of propaganda in a 'whoops, I've said too much' moment. That might give the OW a wake up call that she's getting soiled soon-to-be-much-poorer lying goods in a tragic shirt.

I almost wish he would go back to being horrible to you.
All this 'niceness' and 'being reasonable' stuff is getting you to agree to things you shouldnt really be agreeing to.
I want you to be angry.

I feel he has 'got off lightly' by you not being angry.

Yes, you should be RAGING.

At the same time, I really admire you World!
You rock!

I would have had a complete meltdown and torn him a new one by now.

abut you should be a bit angry Nobody would blame you

You are amazing World keep your head held high. STBXH won't know what's hit him

Does he know you've spoken to a solicitor?

Raindancer I agree. She might have been dumped and that's why at 33 years of age she's in a houseshare. Knight in shining armour feeding her ego. You could almost feel sorry for her.

World, sorry if someone has already mentioned it (I have followed from #1), he's already told you that he's planning to significantly reduce money to you. He's going to be renting somewhere 'un-hovelly'.ie:££££.
Let's not forget, he has a persona to keep up to impress YOW.
Sad bastard.
I hope you and DD are OK. Remember to be kind to yourself and one day you'll look back and see him the pathetic joke man he is.