#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

It's really hard op - to think of him and YOW moving in together - you might want to do all you can to keep him close to you. Having him in the annex did give you a perception of control as you said you didn't want here there but as plenty of pp have said he will probably sneak her in anyway.

If you did ever want him back the best thing to do is to let him go so he can see exactly what its like living with someone who is just not going to look after him like you have done. [as well as making it easier for you to get an improved financial settlement.]

If you don't ever want him back the best thing to do is to let him go because only once he has gone will you begin to heal and find the lovely you who is managing so well in these difficult circumstances.

All of the what ifs are why you should be making plans now, don't be giving him any more chances to be ahead of you or delay you until you lose any advantage.

He has already moved on and despite what some people hope or think new relationships with 30 something year olds often do work. 14 years is not a huge age gap especially if you work in the same field, have similar interests, disposable income, move in the same circles etc.

mrsdiddlydoo this made me laugh out loud OP mrsdiddlydoo is correct the one thing your OH has not calculated, thought about or bargained on is that you would have an army of mumsnetters behind you

14 years? I obviously cant count sorry OP its 18

World- about your earlier question, OW is working, so there's no reason for her not to share the rent if they did live together. A court would think it unreasonable if she didn't. I'm guessing that he'll need to rent a one bed flat anyway, even for himself. It's going to be expensive. However, it's relatively short term and another argument for sorting everything sooner rather than later.
He's unlikely to tell you whether she's living there or not. DD may be able to tell if she visits.

OW may not even want to move in with him- 6 months is very quick to move into together. She obviously hasn't been in a rush to do it before, given she's currently flat sharing.
Can you get a short term tenant in the annex for the vacant period? Visiting PhD students or professors from abroad if you're anywhere near a University. Even your spare room? It can be nice to have some one else in the house sometimes. I know some people loathe it though.
I love that he doesn't even know you've engaged a lawyer yet.

Hope you told him not to forget his new shirt. He probably
pictures himself as the beach twunk hunk on hols in that with
his new YOW

@worldupsidedown i won't be surprised if he has it all worked out way before u even found out. He has obviously had legal advice, hence y he is intent on u doing ur course and waiting for a bit longer before finalising everything because that would be in his best financial interest.

He has been clear that ur relationship is over. They ball is in ur court. Act swiftly so u cans get the best deal for urself.

Please don't delay on this. I understand you not wanting to disrupt your DD, but at 15 she will be fine. I left my ex when my DDs were 15 & 17. My eldest had her first AS level 2 days after we moved into my new home. She got better grades than predicted.

My DH turned very nasty at the final hurdles but contracts had been exchanged and he couldn't disrupt the sale of marital property.

I agree with what pps have said. NOT the annexe. He will have the OW over there just as soon as it suits him. If they split up, he'll find it too convenient to move back in with you. Please cancel that credit card and get a legal agreement drawn up and signed asap.

So glad you're not going to let him stay in the sodding annex @worldupsidedown

You need to get selfish. What do you want? What do you need? Space? Money? A good credit score? Use your SHL, stick to your guns and you will get there.

It's easy during a face to face conversation to think the other person is being reasonable, and that the decision is fair for all. But you need to remember this man is a very good liar and a very good manipulator.

He does not have your best interests at heart he only has his own.

Do not trust him!

I sent him a text saying I'd been thinking he should just find somewhere else permanent to rent.

He replied it 'might be more straightforward, might take longer to sort out but I tend to agree. Let's keep thinking it through. I'll do some research over the weekend.

Regarding the length of the relationship, there's nothing on statements to indicate he was spending out of character prior to the dinner 2 days before our holiday. I'm quite sure that dinner was the proposal and she accepted while we were on holiday, when he started to behave totally out of character. So they really have rushed head long into this.

"Let's keep thinking this through"

He is such a twat.

There is no "let's" (as in let us) there is sadly him and you now OP.

And as for fucking thinking this through- excuse me you weren't asking his opinion, you were informing him this IS happening.

My god he is infuriating.
Entitled bellend.

Gah.

I'm so glad you decided against the annexe, but of he runs true to the usual script there will be all sorts of reasons given to you about the impossibility of him getting his own place for now.

Do you think it would work if you said that you're not prepared to discuss anything further until you have had sufficient time to decide what is best for you to do?

That gives you a chance to talk to your lawyer early next week and form a plan of action.

Well done World. You just doing amazingly!

Oh does he suddenly think things through now? He didn't before.

Tosser

Sorry to chime in at such a late stage, I've been reading since thread #1.
World, you are being so brace and your husband is a next level shit bag.
I truly believe there's a possibility that he may have turned serious about her as wait for it, she's already pregnant.
It would make so much sense, of course he's started to be not so careful, so you find out. You've found out enough that he can go and be with her. His pregnant other woman.
He will leave with more money than he has to leave with, and is being quite fair and reasonable in the hopes that he can not rock the boat too much, until the last minute when it's going to come out that you and DD don't need as much as he, his YoW and baby.

Perfect time for him to be found out don't you think?

No, I don't think she's pregnant, I think he's suffering from a bad case of cockbrainitus, which causes irrational thought patterns and behaviour. I do think that this really has reached level two (compulsive use of condoms) in the past week

Well done World! Right behind you here and cheering you on.

Dumbo, doubt she's pregnant so quickly -- there'd be no need for the condoms if that were the case.

Cross-posted with World.

And his response to my text on annex/rent suggests he hasn't yet thought things through. TBH, his working hours/day can make it very difficult to find time to do stuff related to outside work (hence me usually taking that on board) and I would guess from now on any free time is going to be spent wooing his YOW as he's so hot on her. He also, I think, is away on business part next week, definitely Monday and any time he takes off work he has to get stuff cleared or catch up on stuff on his return.

Well that all works in my favour then

Well let him struggle with all of that, managing his job, looking after himself (food shopping, cooking, laundry etc) alongside pursuing his hobbies, and wooing the YOW. He'll soon see how hard it is to manage his life without his PA (you!). Tough shit mister!!

Ah yes! Condoms! Just seems mad that he would throw his marriage down the pan for a 3 week affair.

He's a complete tosser and I will eat my hat if it doesn't all go pear shaped - she'll soon dump him

And also my MIL was very supportive of me to begin with and wanted us to stay together, until ExH started started to feed her the script and concocted a full story about how miserable he'd been and what a bitch I was to him. Within weeks she wasn't speaking to me at all and hasn't since.

He will be giving HIS own version of events this weekend which will most likely paint you as a dragon and him as a saint.