#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

Actually if you are studying and your DD is doing GCSEs next year I think now is the time you need to sort out living arrangements properly as dragging it out is likely to be far more disruptive.

I don't like how he's got all this planned out either. He isn't feeling the effects of what he's lost at all. Please don't let him bamboozle you into what's best for him. You need a game plan.

I agree with so many others, don't agree to anything he suggests until it goes through a lawyer.

Yes to this.
He was wrong to spring it on you, about staying in the annexe.
He's had months (possibly a couple of years) to come up with a 'plan' and yet he expected you to make a snap decision in an hour.

World I think you are in shock and are imagining that this can all be done reasonably and you will have financial security and time to adapt. I think you need to accept that your OH bowed out of this marriage some time ago and he has had months or years to come to terms emotionally with the end of his marriage and move on.

And he has moved on, he has rationalised it in his own head and is now in a relationship with the OW. I don't know whether he deliberately left clues or just didn't care because he had already checked out of the marriage. He stopped being cautious, stayed out with her, texted in front of you, spent money on her on your CC .

I think the disregard he has shown for you will continue and you will need to find the strength to stand up to him and not have a false notion that he still feels some loyalty to you, your DD or the dogs. I also think you should encourage your DD to maintain a relationship with him, she may feel like she needs to take sides and that her loyalty lies with you.

Make plans that do not rely on him, protect yourself, the ride head will be bumpy, good luck.

I think you need to make any decisions very carefully at this stage, but I'd be very wary of him living in the annex. You aren't going to want to keep seeing him, and a complete break is going to be much fairer on you. Your DD is young enough to justify you staying in the family home until she's gone through her education and you have to stand firm now for you and her. What he wants and needs from this is competely irrelevant to you and you don't have to give that headspace .

Really sorry you are going through this, but have to agree with what everyone is saying. Make the consequences of his actions as real as possible for him, start divorce proceedings, do not let him live in the annexe, get an estate agent around to value the property and cancel the credit card - and tell him that he will need to have joint custody of dogs and chickens. Don't wait until your daughter is older as you have everything to lose and nothing to gain from waiting.

Do you have a real life friend that is your friend first and foremost and who will have your back and keep you focused on the practical issues? He is likely to try and manipulate your distress and confusion to get the best for himself

If you have had sex anytime recently, he also needs to do the decent thing and have a sexual health check as condoms are not 100% reliable - book him an appointment

And 33 and 51 is a big age gap and may not be so appealing to either of them when reality bites

Just remember he is no longer your friend.

He has proved you cannot trust him to be honest or fair in his dealings with you.

He is looking out for himself. He has had time and planned already.

You need to do the same for you and DD.

He may not admit it to the court.

My BGF came over, told her everything she fully understands and is supportive but typical, she on holiday for 2 weeks tomorrow.

Lawyer texted back to make it clear that if he's going to carry on regardless then commence mediation soon as poss. She's going to speak Monday.

I'm going to text him that on reflection I think he should find somewhere permanent to rent. Not going to mention commencing mediation at all

What if he rents somewhere with YOW?

If he does it'll cut down his rent by half - insist on it.

The half rent not the living with MYOWWIAS

Surely if he rents somewhere with YOW then that's better for you? He'll have less outgoings as she'll be paying half the rent and bills. His cost of living won't be as high as yours. It's worth asking your lawyer to find out where you'd stand

Don't let him live in the annex, you won't be able to heal and move on with him so close. It won't be healthy for you.

Petition him asap, citing unreasonable behaviour, more straightforward than adultery, and the important thing is to divorce the twunt. It's never an easy process, but don't make it more complicated than it needs to be You definitely have enough grounds for unreasonable behaviour.

I'd have papers served asap. Then I'd go low contact. Get everything tied up financially by the SHL

He may appear quite reasonable in the next few weeks, but he will change and get very hard nosed about financial stuff, so please don't agree to anything. Your solicitor and his can negotiate.

I do know what I'm talking about, my ex left a twenty year marriage and three teens. My SHL got me an amazing deal, and she handled everything. If I'd come to an arrangement with ex, which he wanted, we'd have been very badly off.

Best advice upthread: He's not your friend.
And he's not the man you thought he was. Don't trust him an inch.

And you must, must, must do your course.

Ultimately, this is shit. But him living in your annex has disaster written all over it. I bet anything that you'll have a course related weekend away, and he'll move her in there for a night or two. Don't let him shit on his own doorstep. He needs to be away, in another postcode!

What if he refuses to leave? He could occupy the annex once it's vacant without the OPs permission. You can't change the locks as he has residency rights via ownership. Might be worth going through this scenario with your solicitor.

She is of working age, so if he rents with her will need less in settlement to house himself.
He is no going to enjoy a happy time, like he thinks he will, as this split will be on his mind all the time. Before you were tucked away and not thought off, they had no need to talk about you, ignore him as much as you can, and one word answers.

There's a very good chance he will rent somewhere with the ow sooner or later, he will see more of her now it's out in the open. You don't need all that under your nose. Get your life seperated from his ASAP and concentrate on yourself, your DD and your course. The sooner you cut your ties to him the sooner you can move on.

What does mediation mean exactly?

If he moves in with OW now I would guess that it would complicate the finances but also reduce his outgoings (provided she paid her way.)
the reality is she may stay put in her house share until you've agreed finances and then move in with him full time.

What if he rents with her but she doesn't pay any rent, so he may get a bigger place just because he can and have her there too, rather than focussing on something practical just for himself for the interim?

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, OP.

Him in annexe would be disaster -

• he'll either will bring YOW back there or he'll keep having to spend your joint money on hotels

• it probably legally counts as him still living in marital home so repercussions on legal separation etc

• you and dd can't emotionally move on as he'll still be there

• if you meet someone else he'll know so may affect your settlement

Much better for him to rent a one bedroom flat (cold harsh reality check), if he rents with YOW, so be it.

People right you need to fast track divorce as younger your DD is the better the settlement (person I know messed up their divorce settlement by waiting and children in meantime moving out etc) plus if YOW does get pregnant.

Agree with others, treat him as if he is acting on lawyer advice as well, in his interests to delay and remain in family home.

Every life and financial decision should be run by shl, but you're already all over that.

Biggest respect for you, I suspect you recording the meeting will be v useful.

Hire a hitman!!!

Claim life ins!!!

Problem solved.........if only lol.

Sorry there are so many what ifs and maybes with this stuff. I do agree get rid asap as having him in your space is going to be a nightmare and may effect your dd negatively whilst studying and sitting her exams.

World he has already betrayed you both physically and emotionally, please have no doubts that he will betray you financially. He will be getting his financial situ in order to benefit himself. You need to be shit hot and get this all sorted asap! Otherwise he will pull the rug under from you again.

Mediation is to discuss how best to split assets and move forwards, as opposed to discuss getting back together isn't it?

Mustang-he amount of times I've wished for a hitman on speed dial

I'm sorry to be negative, it just sounds like he's already taken legal advice so I would just brace yourself for a fight on him leaving.

I agree getting him gone would be the best for you but he's hasn't exactly been very considerate of your feelings up to this point.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

No relationship/separation advice but you guys seem to have that covered on here. I'm just doing what many have done before (and will continue to)... Delurking to say you are dealing with this shit so well. It may not feel like it and its such early days, but you are being a fantastic role model to your dd. I love the mn family. No one stands a chance of fucking with you when this lot's got your back. Huge slices of pints of tea or all round...