#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

If the card is in your name, you can cancel and get card re-issued, which you keep with you.

I have just read all three threads on the way to work. Firstly, you should have so proud of yourself for handling his disgusting behaviour with such dignity. But like the others have said its now time to protect yourself and your daughter.
Get the divorce under way now! Your family money needs protecting!

It's no problem buying everything on cc if it's in his name. But once he is paying for two separate households you won't have the same income every month to pay it off OP. He should not be running up debts in your name. Now his new card has arrived, you should get yours back asap.

Does he have any intentions of eventually getting somewhere else to live? Or having this set up for good? If it's the latter, I can see it being a nightmare. You need a clean break from him.

I know someone who was in this situation. In the time between The split and the still yet unresolved divorce the OW has had 2 babies inside 2 years and she has had one of her children leave home. This leaves her with only one child who will be living at home for say a further 2 years vs OW with two babies to support. The weighting of 50/50 is now slipping in her husbands favour as he has a young family to support.
Deal with it now and deal with it fast...don't be that person

I've been reading but not posted til now.
My worry would be if OW does get pregnant if he's already living in the annex I can see him being cheeky enough to move her in and raise their child there.
My feeling is that a clean break may be harder now but better long term.

Good luck with everything whatever way you go.

Running off on holiday after a woman he has been in a 'relationship' with for three weeks.
I don't believe its been 3 weeks relationship. Looks like 3 weeks ago he made his mind up about being serious about OW. He known her for 2 years so looks like he has been having EA for a while which turned into PA.
OP's husband doesn't look a fool,I don't believe he would give up everything for a 3 week affair. Bottom line is do not minimise their relationship, OP needs to sort financial aspects with her solicitor straight away.

My feeling is that a clean break may be harder now but better long term.

I think so as well.
(and he will bring OW back on a regular basis and may even move her in permanently)
Then there will be no getting rid of them.
World's mental health will suffer to the extent she ends up moving out.
OW and Cheating Bastard Husband move into Main House.
Job Done.

I bet OW and CBH have spent hours and hours coming up with a plan.
OP needs to take her time before agreeing to anything he suggests.
He's putting her on the spot and it's not fair.

Do you think it might be an idea to put any decisions on hold for now and take some time to think about what's best for you?

Legal advice might be something totally different to the outcome of last night's conversation.

Decisions made now might be regretted later and it does seem that he's telling you what's going to happen rather than asking what suits you.

I agree with PP's who have advised you to cancel the card. No reason why you should be expected to pay for his affair.

Actually, World, did you agree to anything he dictated last night, or did you just "nod and smile", as the saying goes, and not comment?

If you only need him to stay in the annex to help to look after your pets, could you possibly consider getting rid of the chickens so you have less to manage? I know it's not ideal but you need to put yourself first now and think about what changes you need to make to make your new life easier for you. At least you and your daughter could manage to look after your dog together and it would be easier to get a pet sitter for the weekends when you're on your course if your daughter can't manage on her own.

The course sounds brill by the way! You need a distraction, something just for you that you can get stuck into and meet new people.

I agree with what others have said regarding YOW. At 33 she might be wanting a rich man to have kids with so be prepared for her digging her claws in. Get that divorce sorted asap!

You need to cancel the cc if it's in your name.

Almost this exact situation happened to me a few years ago. ExH started a business which became successful and in his eyes I was a mere SAHM. He met someone else on the internet, left me and our dogs/chickens/baby and she was pregnant within three months.

He came crawling back when he realised she was a jealous, controlling nag. Needless to say he was given a sharp shrift and sent on his way. He's now on fourth wife and baby.

The grass is always greener until it isn't.

Gosh. I agree that he has taken advice and is looking out for himself. He's a high earner he knows about finances. OP please cancel his credit card, it's demeaning to you that he still thinks it's ok to use your money on his girlfriend, now that he's been rumbled. What a prick. Get angry. I've never been in this situation - not married no assets - but it's clear he will screw you over.

Please go and see your lawyer and refuse to speak to him about finances etc. Ask him to deal with the lawyer direct. This will flush out whether he has a SHL of his own.

You need to change your banking arrangements so that he cannot run up debt in your name. Cancel the credit card and let your lawyer explain it to him.

Look at your last year's spending and work out how much personal spending you both have ( taking out the YOW expenses as you spot them) to see what would be reasonable for each of you, what is spent on your daughter and the household expenses.

Petition for divorce now on the grounds of adultery, he's not coming back and you need your finances sorted before she becomes pregnant, which she will. I would also consider naming her and serving her with the petition. Solicitors don't like it but I have seen it done and the backlash from the OW's family was such that their relationship broke down which made my friend feel a little better.

You are being really brave but he is treating you like an idiot. He's supposed to be an adult and couldn't tell you that he thought that there was something wrong in your marriage? He can't speak to his own daughter? He's behaving like a lying cheating coward and you need to treat him like one.

I clicked on the link for the shirt btw and burst out laughing. I can't see YOW finding that attractive in the slightest, artist or not.

Everyone can stop talking about cancelling the credit card now, as World told us a few hours ago that his has arrived.

Lawyer needs to advise what happens if he blows a shit load of cash on the cc in your name?

Why the hell should you spend the money in your personal account to clear his debt? Sod that.

Wow World you're doing great! Nothing much more to add, you're getting some great advice, but I do agree with others, get him out of the annex, you'll torture yourself wondering where he is if his car isn't there, what he's doing if it is etc. you deserve a clean break.

I agree with so many others, don't agree to anything he suggests until it goes through a lawyer. It's hard, after 25 years, to realise that he doesn't give a shit or have your best interests at heart but you need to protect yourself. Agree to nothing without it going through legal.

So sorry you're going through this.

To petition on the grounds of adultery you need a signed confession from him, photographic evidence of sex taking place or a baby born to OW.

Beginning to wonder how OW will feel when they are on holiday and she finds out the libido of a 33 and 51 year old do match up.
I can guarantee he has painted this relationship to her as it was over years ago, single beds, and your happy to split.
The OW will be told your mismatched and how she is going to react to him wanting to talk it all out with her a lot. think about it you can say what ever you on here, and we will all support you and advice you.
While his friends won't support him like that, and will be bored in a few days, you have back up for months.

Stay strong World you're doing really well

Divorce on grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour is least complicated and you can still cite adultery but not in so many words. Things like, ‘inappropriate relationship’ for instance.
The whole thing is more a paper exercise nowadays. No one but the 2 of you will see the grounds for the divorce plus the court of course then the papers are filed away by the courts on decree absolute and that’s the end of it, they’re not published or open to the public at all.

Yes, what LarderWoman said. Naming the OW if you did use adultery mean a she has an element of being able to control and delay things, which will increase your legal fees. It's not recommended.

I got a good settlement, pension sharing etc, but I had to go all the way to final hearing to get this (so in total three court appearances, with associated barrister's fees). Be aware that you could be in for a fight, choose a good solicitor but remember only a court can compel him to do what your solicitor says you could expect.

You don't need photographic evidence or a baby to file for adultery.... yes he needs to admit but he has !

The most important element is that it is time restricted to 6 months from when you found out

Delurking. He's had legal advice Op and is definitely manoeuvring you to suit his long term needs. He needs to reduce your outgoings so he can pay you less.

You need to file for divorce (you can put shagging other woman under unreasonable behaviour), agree via solicitors interim financial arrangements then you need FULL disclosure of all assets to agree longer term finances. This is the bit that takes time and a lot of picking over.

Smile and nod to whatever he says but then ignore and take legal advice on everything. Don't sell yourself and your future short.
Their relationship might be short lived or it might not - regardless now is the time to get yourself protected.