#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

I'd be cancelling that credit card! Why should you be funding his shagathon?!

Please cancel the cc which is in your name. He doesn't need it. He can use cash/the 'holuday' cc in his name. Not your problem any more.

Imagine if a £5k payment to Kuoni for a 2 person romantic holiday to the Maldives came through on your cc?

Nothing to stop that happening until you cancel it.

He is taking advantage of your good nature.

My advice is clearly useless as I don't have any direct experience of something like this - but reading through the advice and experience of many other commentators here, I'm inclined to agree that he is getting his ducks in a row to avoid his having to give away too much financially and must be acting on the advice of a SHL himself and your first move should be to go directly to your own SHL and see what their advice is to you. Please don't feel obliged to do what your husband dictates to you if you don't want to or you feel it will not be in your and your daughter's interests in the long run. It sounds as if he thinks everything he says he wants is a fait accompli for you but from what everyone else is saying on here, it seems as if it doesn't need to be at all.

Why are you Allowing him to manipulate you?

Why do you put all your spending on cc anyway OP? Do you not have a debit card and cash in the bank?

I think this is a bad habit which needs to stop. Unless he is rolling in it, buying on credit could lead to debt that you struggle to pay off.

I would cancel the card. He said 'one' card was missing so presumably he has others? It's not in your best interest to have him taking on debt in your name.

sorry, wasn't DD bashing. I was offering a solution for OP to be able to stay in London when she is doing her course, (must not postpone, will need to work, & annex is perfect for aroma business )
& not require XH to step in to feed the hens...

He needs to be out of your house/garden/annexe period, he has no business being there- you shouldn't want or need his help, you are no longer a partnership, the house/garden/animals are no longer your projects to work on together, he has thrown that all away. If it is all too much to manage you will need to make sacrifices, downsize if necessary. I know it's shit and unfair but that is now the situation.

You need to think of the practicalities of this arrangement; you're both out working on the garden and you fancy a cup of tea, do you have to offer him one? This is just an example, there is no way it can work without seriously affecting your mental wellbeing. He has already caused you enough pain, don't let him cause you anymore by staying xxx

Get a divorce underway before OW is pregnant and the assets have to be split more equally as he has a further DC to support.

Very good advice.

What did the second solicitor say about him having to provide you with a mortgage free 3 bedroom house OP?

I would balance the proposal of him staying in the annexe along with how useful it would be.

I might be tempted to use him for chores/DIY/ animal care while I got my course completed and got DD through her exams. And use the time to get a SHL and get the best settlement I can. It may also look good upon you when negotiating the settlement.

However the day to day of it will be hard. But at least you can monitor what he is up to and DD has some time to have it out with him in her own time.

I would get the separate accounts sorted ASAP so when he runs out of money, he runs out.
Us this time until October to see how it goes without him, and decide then.

Why do you put all your spending on cc anyway OP? Do you not have a debit card and cash in the bank?

How Op and her Dh manage their spending is irrelevant!

My DH and I spend everything on CC, paid off in full every month, yes we have debit cards and plenty of cash in bank, but prefer to use CC and get rewards, some of which pay for our Eurotunnel when we go abroad, some for treats and meals out or xmas gifts. It doesnt lead to debt if you are a sensible spender and have the cash to clear the card every month, as we do.

Also CC are cheaper to use abroad if they don't charges.

But as others have said, she is liable for debts on that card, so there would be no come back to him if he maxed it out. She would have to pay the bill if he refused. Paying for him treating his YOW!!! That would happen over my dead body.

It absolutely won't be lasting with the OW.
I can guarantee this

So he left early this morning, his car is still here, but his parents (he's going to tomorrow lunchtime, live over in Essex, in a remote spot and are a fair distance from the nearest train, I think something silly like 45 mins silly to me anyway!, we've always driven there. He said last night he'd be back Sunday afternoon

On reflection, maybe I think you should cancel the cc. Why can't he use his debit card?
Tell him, he's a cheeky fucker to want to use a cc in your name, to swan around abroad with OW.
Even he may be able to see how that could feel humiliating...
You really don't want that showing up as your debt, if/when it turns nasty.

Regarding needing someone to look after the animals and dd once a month, if he were to move out, could you insist he came and stayed for the duration you're away. I know this means he'd be in the house, but dd will be there too, so he couldn't bring OW. I expect it would be a major inconvenience for him, but one that he couldn't refuse to do without looking very bad. It would be genuinely good for DD who needs to see her dad.

In fact, maybe make it once a fortnight arrangement, so that he can maintain more meaningful parental contact with DD. It would be worth the inconvenience to you to stay away, to muck his playboy lifestyle up with OW.
You could have some fun exploring different places/ interests.

Credit card is paid off at the end of the month in full and we accumulate John Lewis vouchers I'll hang onto now for my next home and any larger spends are covered on cc insurance

I have been following this from the beginning and I think he will not stay with this woman for very long! You are being incredibly strong about all of this. Don't let him take you for a ride and don't agree to everything he says. He is a fool for doing this and he will likely realise that he has been a fool.

We do have enough money in an account in my name to clear the card in an instant if he maxed out on it. The replacement card in his name has arrived this morning.

Maybe he's staying in london most of the time, and meeting his parents out for lunch somewhere?
I'm surprised MIL hasn't phoned you again just to see how you are.

Did he speak to DD at all ? Stay strong world, you are amazing.

Damn, layer is in France this w/e but textsble. I just told her DH wouldn't give card back, is not keen on allowance to curb spending what he wants and alarm bells re YOW age/history

No, he didn't speak to DD, she came into the kitchen to grab snacks and walked out again, he didn't say a word, it was a long silent and awkward moment

Well, shall we run a sweepstake as to how long it will be before he tells her that he's leaving you, not her? What a pile of bullshit!

You are being a super hero op.

If it wasn't so awful it would be Laughable.A 51 year old man that could have a lovely lifestyle hanging about a bloody flat share to shag a 33 year old, who is no doubt Loving his perceived worldliness and wealth and not much else (worldliness which can't even cook it's own tea and wealth which he is about to lose in large measure anyway).

Running off on holiday after a woman he has been in a 'relationship' with for three weeks. How soon before his older bones start to ache and she looks at him without the rose tinted specs? Then he's stuck in a flat on his own having lost his lovely lifestyle, his wife and his daughter.

Or alternatively how soon before she has a kid, and he has to start again, only with less money and less energy.

This is unlikely to end well for him I feel-what an absolute idiot.

You on the other hand, will be more than fine... chin up op-sometimes life takes us places we don't think we want to go-but when we get there it's bloody awesome...

Nigels...spot on

Please just cancel the cc. Why should you pay off any blow-out from the savings acc in your name? He has a heady mix of thinking with his dick and having nothing to lose going on. Anything is possible, and he certainly won't be worried about your needs.
Hope your SHL gets back to you soon.