#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

Please speak to your shl and see what they say. I don't know op but I have a gut feeling he's been to see a lawyer ( or he's brighter than we think when it comes to divorce ). The whole living in the annex and waiting a few years is convenient for him not you! It will reduce any spousal maintenance and you may not get your divorce based on adultery as he will still be living in the family home ( annex or not ).

I'm really sorry but he's still treating you like a mug and making sure he is set not you and dd. Also agree with other posters about ow, she's 33! She's looking for kids and will be pregnant in the near future, so please secure your dd's. Speaking from bitter experience here! My mum thought her and my dad were working through things ( separate rooms, together for me and db ) until he wiped out the joint account as well as mine and my db's little saving accounts ( we were 9 and 3 btw ) and fucked off with ow to start a new family.

No maintenance or contact for 19 years and it's not through lack of trying on our part. Please please please protect your dd's future!

I agree with Kitty, Him living next door is financially easy for him & he gets keep his comfort zone, dogs, daughter, & fucking hot tub....
You will see his coming & goings, notice if he is out late, or not home, it will be like chinese water torture; He will move her in have her to stay when he wants, he simply isn't sorry & soon you will get the script , It's my money, my salary
Frankly, I doubt you are ready to hear it, but it would be better to split up.
There may be sacrifices, you may have to sell the house, but co habitant, even in the annexe, will be fine for HIM only

I definitely think you should do the course, it is something for you. You will make new friends and focus on something you love. And my other thought is that at the moment it is a course not a job, no matter what your long term intentions, you can always change those to suit what you need later.

You really are an amazing women who will come out the other side, my sister was in your position 5 years ago and now she has the best life. Her dick ex husband not so much.

Massive alarm bells going off to get the financials sorted asap. As PP have said, get the divorce under way now, cancel the CC and sort out the money as a matter of urgency. You have the admission of adultery. By the time he can move into the annexe he may not have the right to do so, and you could be financially separate from him and not care how or where he lives.

I also get the feeling he's done a little bit of underhanded emotional 'blackmailing' on you World.
He's got you thinking that you won't be able to manage the upkeep of the house on your own, without the 'big strong man' to fix things and do any heavy work. Am I right?
So he's more or less saying: You Need Me
it is in your interests to let me stay close to the family home

But you are one strong woman and I bet if you examined things carefully (in the cold light of day) you are probably a lot more capable of keeping things running smoothly, than you realize.
After all, he's been 'checked out' of the marriage for so long that you have probably been doing the bulk of things as it is.

You don't need him to be in the annexe.
He's only suggested it because it benefits him

Him living next door is financially easy for him & he gets keep his comfort zone, dogs, daughter, & fucking hot tub....
You will see his coming & goings, notice if he is out late, or not home, it will be like chinese water torture; He will move her in have her to stay when he wants, he simply isn't sorry & soon you will get the script , It's my money, my salary

Yep.
You don't want to hear any of this, especially if it went well last night,
but it does really sound as if he's working a number on you.

It's SHL time and the sooner the better.

Youdon't need him to be in the annexe.
He's only suggested it because it benefitshim

^ this with bells on.

It goes without saying that their relationship won't last

I don't agree, I think her age and the fact she was engaged means she will be looking for more than a fling. As someone else said, expect an unexpected pregnancy before too long. I think she feels she has struck lucky, found someone with money (given where you live & presumably a well paid job in London) and she wont let go that easily.

I haven't been in your situation Op, but have read enough MN threads to know you can't keep it nice. He will do everything he can to keep YOW happy and if that means showering her with gifts, getting them a house to live in, he will not give you another thought.

We have a joint CC with me as principal holder - if I suspected DH of anything (And I manage all finances so would quickly know) then it would have been cancelled before I let on that I knew. Why on earth do you want to let him spend on her with your card?!! How will you feel watching all the Athens expenses rack up, knowing where he has taken her, how much they have spent on dinner. Surely that will be hell?

I wonder if your own experience is clouding your judgement? Allowing him to stay close to try and ensure his relationship with DD doesn't suffer like yours with your dad did. I think you have to let them sort that relationship out themselves. I have a DD17 who is the apple of her dad's eye, cant imagine them not being close, so can understand, but it is their relationship to sort, not yours.

I think he should move out permanently - surely on your weekends away on your course someone could look after DD and the house? We have had chickens and know it isnt easy, but we always found people to feed them when we were away. Otherwise it will again be hell seeing him go off to her and he will not stick to his not bringing her back. She will see to that!

You sound a very strong person, but I think you also need to get angry at what he has done and put yourself and DD first. His housing shouldnt concern you. Let him live in a hovel. He deserves nothing more.

Everything Kath said.

As PP have said, you can pay people to help with the animals, it will be money well spent. Having him live in the annexe is going to hinder your recovery. He needs to quickly get it into his head that this is his life now, it's not his family home anymore.

I agree that he has probably already spoken to his own SHL.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's been planning to leave once DD is 18 (less than 2 years, and then any settlement would be 50/50 rather than 60/40 for you). I know that sounds harsh, but please don't assume he's playing fair.

Him living in the annexe gives him the chance to play dad without doing any actual parenting. Do you really think he will pull his weight with the animals if he doesn't now?

When things turn nasty (once he realises that he has to look after himself, and where is he going to find time to do that, what with his very important job and shagging commitments), and the money is no longer flowing freely to fund sailing and shagging weekends, how will it feel to be unable to escape him next door?

Please speak to your SHL before agreeing anything with him.

Crikey World, I'm not sure it's a good idea he still has access to cc in your name- in fact it's bloody scary, he could run up a shed load of debt. Yes it's inconvenient to him but his behaviour hasn't exactly been convenient to you.

Get a divorce underway before OW is pregnant and the assets have to be split more equally as he has a further DC to support.

In a year DD will be 16.

Drag it out a little longer and she will not be a dependent and so he will not have to pay you to support her. He will have a very young dependent who will require a lot more.

Don't agree to anything just yet.
Just take your time.
Get some legal advice and take it from there.

You are doing so well.
KOKO!

Well done World for getting through last night's talks.
I think you need to make a list of the pros and cons of having him live in the annex, and of starting the divorce sooner rather than later. It'll be very hard to have him there, and he'll probably want to wander into the house whenever he feels like it etc. But I can see that it may have certain advantages in terms of animals.

He's going to struggle to find a self contained flat to rent for less than six months-assured tenancies must legally be for at least six months. Short term will be very very expensive, That leaves a lodger type of scenario renting a room in someone's house, an airbnb type place.

I'd say definitely do your course as it'll be great for you in all sorts of social ways too. Play down the future career potential enormously!

Overall, it does concern me that divorce proceedings will get delayed. Partly because it leaves you treading water for so long which will be emotionally hard, and delays 'moving on' both practically and emotionally; and partly, because his circumstances may change, especially if OW gets pregnant, (or if he just gets more difficult and bolshy). Your settlement would then be much less I would imagine, but also, he'd want to immediately change all the plans and sell the house etc.regardless of what's best for you.

Also. he's likely to get tighter with money for you once this initial period passes- it usually happens this way... I'd be inclined, if I were in your shoes, to act decisively now, and keep control yourself of the timeframe in which everything happens. It could also be better financially to do it whilst dd is considered more dependent, not less.

Welfare wise for your dd, whenever you move house etc is going to be an upheaval for her. But it'll be the same, when she does A Levels. All you can do is keep the disruption to a minimum for her, when it does happen.

Only you can decide when divorce proceedings are best for you and DD. Just make sure it really is best for you two, and that you've not been manipulated into doing what's best for him.

Athens in August is going to be unbearable heat.

Don't cancel the cc. leave him in charge of everything, including dd for a week in September, and take yourself away for a relaxing time in the sun. (yes, he can organise his work hours so he has full charge of her)
Greek islands are lovely lovely in September! It may fuck up his holiday plans too, if you get your booking in first

Did I miss that he wants to live in the annexe for a few years? In view of your daughter's age, it is most likely that you stand to lose a huge amount financially by agreeing to postpone divorce and separating finances. I agree he is acting on savvy legal advice. You need to talk to your solicitor. And then let him know that you have considered his proposal but it doesn't work for you.

I know it is scary to invite more and faster change when there is already so much uncertainty. I think he is acting all naive and pragmatic but in reality he is protecting his own assets. If his gf had a home, he would be gone by now. I think you are dealing with someone who essentially lacks a conscience. I know you will get your own legal advice.

Despicable text to DD, surely she deserves a face to face conversation? unforgivable selfishness & cowardice.

Your DD is 17. Surely she could let the chickens out, & feed & water them, & then put them in at night, for one night ? if she has never done it, then she can learn, (there are lots of things she will have to learn from now on.)
She can get the bf over, or a school friend. (Can she can stay home on her own ? I would have.)
Eventually you may need to pay for a gardener as XH isn't helping, but that is no huge issue.
I am certain if you look at who does everything on a daily basis, it is already you.
So, do not cater for him, no food bought, no nespresso capsules ordered , do not change his bed, pick up his laundry, open his bedroom window, iron his shirts, clean his toilet. NOTHING
& finally, I am certain he is offering to stay away at the w/e as The Totty, is NOT away.

sorry, maybe she isn't 17....

She's 15..

She is 15 but your not wrong in her having to help a little around the house.

lol sorry

This isn't a thread about how much DD helps around the house, and for all we know she may be very helpful.It's probably best not to derail the thread.

Totally agree sorry

She's 33, still lives in a shared house, is doing a degree that won't enhance her earning power, and now she's found a rich old fool to take care of her? She'll be "accidentally" pregnant by the end of the year.

This. Yes. I had the same thought.

And his wanting to live in the annexe, encourage you to do your course, talking about supporting you does scream 'solicitor's advice' ... you already know he doesn't give a toss about you by the way he's treated you, and the fact that he's obviously been planning to leave you for YOW for some time. Don't believe him now. He's trying to set up the situation so he leaves with more and you leave with less than you would be entitled to now.

Talk to your solicitor. He can quite possibly still be forced to support you through your course without him living there. You'd be better off BnBing the annexe or renting it out long term for the income from someone who isn't your soon to be ExHusband biding his time so he doesn't have to support you as much.

And cancel the damn CC. Tell the Bank he's using yours fraudulently as you're separated and he lost his. Get one with a different bank.

World, I would imagine your head is in a complete whirl right now. I know mine would be.
Have you decided which lawyer to use? Make an appointment and see what their view is, as it will help you decide which way to deal with the situation. It's a lot to think over.

I hope your mum surprises you with her attitude.

You will get through this and you will find happiness and contentness again.

Have you considered that you might need the annex yourself, OP when you start your business?
I would think it would be ideal for you to do your aromatherapy etc from home.