#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

OP - have you seen a solicitor yet - just to make sure you are aware of the whole situation regarding your financial set up?

If you are still in love with him it might be making it more difficult for you emotionally having him live close to you rather than somewhere else.

Explore all the options that are available and choose what works best for you and your dd.

Has he not realized you can see all his spending on the card?
It may be worth you getting a new card with a different company while you still have all the credit available.
You don't have to use it, but it will be available for you just in case.
To get the best deal for yourself start the Divorce now.
I would ask for a clean break deal, what he doesn't know is that a clean break deal gives you more cash as dd still at school, he will have to provide her a home, and as soon as it is all sign, you can then ask him for maintenance for her.
He wants to have his cake and eat it still, right now he has to support you and the divorce will reflect that, if your employed you get less, so him kindly offering to wait a few years, is for his benefit not yours.
Pension pot, they will offer you half in cash, as part of the assets of the marriage.
OW, She needs to be impressed by him, otherwise it would be a B&B not a holiday in Athens, houseshare, so she isn't rich and he will be paying all expenses, so needs the card. Also house share means she has no children, that could change quickly if she thinks it would mean cash in her pocket.

My advice is do NOT agree to him living in the annex. You will need the extra income from letting it out. You could agree to someone having a reduced rent in return for walking dogs etc when necessary. Your SHL can advise you but I think you are allowed to rent a room in you home up to a certain amount (low rent) without paying tax. Someone who likes animals would enjoy living there. Your stbx will not stick to keeping ow away as you can't trust a single thing he says. Also, when you meet someone new (which you will, as you sound lovely) it will put them off having your ex in the same home. Let him rent a love nest and file for divorce as soon as he moves there.

This divorce is not going to be amicable as he has ruined your marriage by having this affair instead of dealing with any unhappiness he felt by communicating with you. Just smile and nod at his suggestions (that will all suit him, not you because he's a selfish git) then let your SHL hit him where it hurts him most.

He said you nagged him? God what a tool.

I know some advise deferring the course but its a one year course and I've been really excited to do it, it's something I've been in for years its cost a lot and would be cash I'd have to find later. It also gives me something else to focus on. I'll talk to SHL about it.

You're doing great World. Please take legal advice before doing anything re finances or arrangements. This will mean by the time you do officially divorce or finish the financial negotiations you will have your own business. That will change what you get including the maintenance and support for dad. Focus on making everything water right for you and dd.

Sorry- dd not dad. Curse you autocorrect!

Definitely do you courses! This will give you the impetus to do even better on them and will be a welcome distraction and a great achievement once completed. You're being amazingly strong xx

Does she know that he is married???

De-lurking to say, you're amazing. So decisive & level headed. What a great example to your DD.

Also, my gut tells me that his relationship won't last & he'll eventually 'see the error of his ways' & try to come back. By then you'll have a whole new, better life & tell him to fuck off. All the best OP.

You need to do the course, it's something for you, that he cannot get his grubby little hands on. Peace and tranquility is required when everything else is so fraught. This cc is it not your card? If so, cancel it, he cannot be using your credit up. You could end up being liable for a massive bill. xx

It goes without saying that their relationship won't last, it will end up a huge messy and expensive disaster for him. Hopefully by that point you will be sorted, secure and happy. I can never understand why OW think that if a man can lie to and deceive the mother of his children and the woman he shares a home with that he won't do it to them as well one day? You are so much better off away from this snake, he's shown his true colours now xxx

Doing the course shows your trying to improve you ability to earn money.
It won't effect his payout, as he is providing a roof for his DD.
Get it all done sooner than later, and he has to provide you with the same standard of living you have now, more important for DD as well.
Tell him you don't want to wait a year, you can't see a way back and feel a proper split is best, you said he has to wait till October to move out, well he is going to be hiding is his room a lot then isn't he, and will miss the freedom of his own house, that he can see but can't really feel welcome in.

"The best revenge is a life well lived"

I went through a very similar experience 7 years ago. My ex refused to move out as his new YOW lived some distance away and it was more convenient for him to stay at home! He tried to convince me that I couldn't cope financially without him and it would be better for our 2 DS.

Big mistake! He started reducing his contribution towards the household bills as he had other responsibilities (weekends away with YOW, buying jewellery and presents for YOW etc). He started getting very angry towards me (it later transpired that YOW was getting jealous of me and giving him a hard time). It took 6 months before I could get him out of the house, I thought I was coping fine and was determined to remain as calm and dignified as I could be and to shield my 2 DS as much as possible from the situation. 1 week after he left I was admitted to hospital with severe pneumonia. Seems the stress of the situation had taken its toll on me.

I got myself a good divorce lawyer, sold our house and found a new home for myself and the boys locally. It was the best thing I could have done - a fresh start and I've coped much better financially than I thought I would.

Please get in contact with your lawyer again to check out your planned situation and formalise your separation. Don't give him to opportunity to gradually alter the terms to suit and don't underestimate how stressful the situation will be to you. This kind of arrangement may work for a mutual split but he's managed to line his new life up already. It's not going to be easy for you to move on with your life whilst still living under his shadow.

You're doing so well!

What's the point of slowing everything down and having him still living there (albeit in the annex?). It will only prolong the pain and difficulty for you. How are you going to feel when you see him all dressed up going off for the weekend with an overnight bag, knowing he's off to her?? It's going to twist the dagger every time. You'd be so much better with everything properly separated and a divorce in progress. Go back to the solicitor, tell them what has been suggested and see what she says. He might be all full of promises to support you and help out now, but it won't last. This man has snuck around and put himself now for months, he's not going to change into a caring saint now!

I'd be tempted to move out to lovely rented property with DH and leave him to sort family home out (& tenants) & pets & you start process of rebuilding your life as super wonderful aromatherapist x

NOT DH - DD OBV

She's 33, still lives in a shared house, is doing a degree that won't enhance her earning power, and now she's found a rich old fool to take care of her? She'll be "accidentally" pregnant by the end of the year.

This with massive, massive alarm bells on.

It all seems exciting for these guys, young woman with no baggage or responsibilities smiling away boosting his ego , making him feel young again, , not making demands, you know what they say no fool like an old fool and I will bet money will all go disastrously wrong when real life creeps in.

If he's intending to live there until October you need to make life much less comfortable for him. Are there any friends or relatives that he hates? I suggest you invite them to stay for a while. Are there any house rules that you don't agree with? (Dogs on sofas, cats on beds etc)? It's time to break those rules! My ex hated floral hanging baskets so I got the biggest prettiest one I could find to hang up by the front door.

I agree with pp who say you need to cancel any joint credit cards. You can't trust him to not run up debts at this point.

I only felt better (started to) once my ex had left properly, taken stuff etc. I'd have found it extremely painful to have him so close and seeing him go off to hers etc. (In his hideous shirts )

Def see what the lawyer says. Remember he's not doing you any favours, this is what you are entitled to, you are as worthy of a life as he is.
He is not your friend, he will be solely thinking of what's best for him.
Keep going. You are doing fantastically.
I wish I'd had Mn when it happened to me.

You seriously think he won't be having her over in the annex considering she's in a house share?

I'm glad that you both are sorting out the practicalities at least but my god he is an emotional dimwit. That shirt that he bought has more emotional intelligence, at least it's trying to make someone happy.

I don't believe the bullshit about him needing that cc for work.

He's using it to help fund the shltf (student he likes to fuck) student expenses.
(as well as taking her on expensive holidays)

Cancel it.
Please
Your name should not be on anything that is potentially being used to make the OW's lifestyle easier.