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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fiance won't communicate, storms off

129 replies

RoboGirl · 06/08/2017 21:43

I'm planning on getting married next June, but I'm worried about this behaviour.

My fiance has a terrible temper, and when he gets in any way upset (e.g. if I ask him to do the dishes or suggest that perhaps he could stop sulking over something), he will fly into a rage and storm out of the house. He has just done this at my soon-to-be inlaws house, leaving me here with his family. I am so humiliated to have them know that I am treated like that. It's so awful having to sit here and explain when they ask "where's fiance?", having to say that he stormed out and left me here.

He got back and has refused to talk to me. I was in floods of tears. I think his family convinced him to come and talk to me, but it was an exercise in threat and humiliation. He kept raising his voice, which I found very humiliating in front of his family. Then he threatens to walk off every few seconds. So we can't have a conversation/I can't tell him how I'm feeling because he's constantly standing at the door, and as soon as I say anything trying to stand up for myself (like I don't deserve to be treated like this), he storms off again, leaving me here on my own.

I have asked him to get counselling to control his temper, but he refuses to admit that he has a problem. I find his constant threats to walk off mean that we can't communicate. It is very bullying and threatening.

I just feel so humiliated. I'm sat here in the bedroom of his family's house unable to go anywhere because he is downstairs with them laughing away, and I don't want him to make another scene in front of them.

OP posts:
Isetan · 07/08/2017 05:16

You've asking the wrong question, it isn't why does he treat this way? The most important question is, why do I let him treat this way? The good news is, you can find out why you think so little of yourself by getting professional help.

This is who he is and it's no surprise that he's in a relationship with someone he can bully because that's what he wants, someone to bully. if you think it's bad now, if you get married or pregnant, there's a whole lot more worse to come.

It shows what I'm truly worth if this is how someone who's supposed to love me the most in the world treats me.. No, It shows what you think your worth, if this how you let someone treat you. I do not know who taught you that you aren't worth more but you need to unlearn it before you can access true love and happiness and just so I am clear, it could never be with this guy.

You've made this about him when it isn't, it's about you and how you feel about yourself. He hasn't taken your power, you've surrendered it to him. Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic, and you've chosen, doormat.

Ten years is long enough for you to know deep down that this is as good as it gets with him and there isn't a parallel universe where he's different. So the balls in your court, not his, take it and run.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/08/2017 05:22

Its a great time to leave him as his family has seen his carry on and he wont be able to twist the story to blame you. Please do not marry this guy.

Tannyfastic · 07/08/2017 06:36

Leave OP!
It will never be as easy as it is today.
What do you think will happen if you leave him?
Write it down.
'If I leave X ... will happen, I will ... '

If you stay you will have to deal with this shit. Imagine being up there in that room with two children.
Wake up OP.

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2017 06:48

How are you feeling this morning OP?

user1497557435 · 07/08/2017 07:43

Leave - don't look back

squishee · 07/08/2017 07:49

Leave him. Today.
There's a grown-up out there for you. Really there is.

Comedyboobs · 07/08/2017 07:55

Leave the git, it would be an act of kindness to yourself.

Tiredofstruggling1 · 07/08/2017 07:58

Don't marry this horror and definitely don't have kids with him! Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy either, you have the rest of your life ahead

ShotsFired · 07/08/2017 08:06

@RoboGirl We've been together for almost 10 years.

You have existed in the same space for 10 years, but in no way are you "together". Don't kid yourself.

Do you want to look back in a few more years of bullying, aggressive, childish, near-violent behaviour and see 20 years of your life gone down the pan like this? It's an emotional version of the sunk costs fallacy. Please free yourself from this situation.

TheNaze73 · 07/08/2017 08:09

You should get out of this relationship. You seem so unsuited. He has no respect for you

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 07/08/2017 08:15

I married a man like this. His parents had facilitated his moods and rages since he was small. (To be fair to my ex-ILs I genuinely dont think they knew what to do). There was always an excuse for the moods and I believed them because he was a plausible liar who believe his own lies.

We are now divorced - and it has been bitter. He is a resentful man who carries a grudge. His parents still support him and facilitate this behaviour.

Please do not make the same mistake as me. The 10 years? - lost investment fallacy. Do not invest any more time or energy into this relationship.

hippyhippyshake · 07/08/2017 08:19

Hope you're feeling ok this morning op. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2017 08:20

WHY do people put up with this for years and years? There are plenty of decent nice guys out there - why do people stay with people who treat them like shit? It can't possibly be "but I love him" which is what gets trotted out because you can't love someone who abuses you. You may have become dependant on them in some way, but it ain't love.

Get out of this relationship as fast as your legs will carry you and do not look back.

MineKraftCheese · 07/08/2017 08:35

@ShatnersWig the same reason frogs die in water when the heat increases incrementally up to boiling.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2017 08:42

The parable of the boiled frog helps us to understand the key challenge in coping with rapid change.

Suppose you want to boil a frog. How do you do it? You could place the frog into a pot of hot water, but as soon as it feels the heat, it will jump out. So, what can you do? Put a pot of cool water on the stove and then add the frog. Not sensing danger the frog will stay. Next, turn the burner on low to slowly heat the water. As the water warms, the frog relaxes. The warmth feels good. As the water gets hotter it acts like a steam bath draining away energy and deepening the frog's relaxation. The frog becomes sleepy and has less and less energy while the water is getting hotter and hotter. By the time the frog realizes its danger, the water is beginning to boil, and it is too late to take action. There is neither time nor energy left to do anything. The frog perishes in the boiling water.
What is the moral of the story? Be vigilant. Don't let unexpected change creep up on you. Don't become a "boiled frog." Pay close attention to what is going on around you, so that you can notice when the "water" is getting hot.
To be prepared for change you need to be proactive. Don't suppose that things will just stay the same.
Being proactive about change means:

  • Resisting falling into a rut of routine expectation.
  • Being observant and actively searching for what is coming next.
  • Actively monitoring information from as many different sources as possible.
  • Listening to your intuition because your gut instinct may provide a warning.
  • Taking some action as soon as possible, even if it is risk, because it may be riskier to do nothing. Knowing far enough in advance that change is on the way allows you to make plans. Whether it is a career change, acknowledging difficulty in a relationship, or confronting a significant loss, you will be ready when the time comes. Knowing that change is on the horizon allows you to transform it into an opportunity rather than chance being unexpectedly beset by a crisis.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2017 08:47

RoboGirl,

Abuse like you have described in truly insidious in its onset but now you are really seeing the real him. He is not going to change and you must not marry him under any circumstances. The relationship is well and truly over. What you are seeing here is the cycle of abuse being played out over and over; that is truly a continuous cycle.

I was wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up; did you meet this person when you were in a bad place yourself?. Were you also very young (say late teens, early 20s so therefore had no real life experience behind you) when you met him?. He targeted you, of that I have no doubt whatsoever and has exploited you fully to the dark place you are further in now.

Men like you describe do take time, years even, to recover from and I would suggest you talk to Womens Aid and look at their Freedom Programme. It will help you move on from this abusive relationship.

HSMMaCM · 07/08/2017 10:42

His family have witnessed the way he treats you. If you were to approach his mother tomorrow and tell her that you are leaving and the marriage is off, she'd probably completely understand.

nigelsbigface · 07/08/2017 11:29

Run.

PastaOfMuppets · 07/08/2017 12:54

Oh OP for the love of god, treat yourself with respect and leave this abusive nasty waste of space.

He hasn't changed in 10 years and it will get worse.

Please look after yourself. Don't be alone with him,don't let yourself be vulnerable. Get rl support.

I hope you're doing ok today. Flowers

NameChange30 · 08/08/2017 09:07

How are you, OP?
Been thinking of you.

Onecutefox · 08/08/2017 09:17

So we can't have a conversation/I can't tell him how I'm feeling because he's constantly standing at the door, and as soon as I say anything trying to stand up for myself (like I don't deserve to be treated like this), he storms off again, leaving me here on my own.

Jeeeez, leave him and never look back!!!

Onecutefox · 08/08/2017 09:20

We've been together for almost 10 years

Ten years being fiance and fiancee is way too long unless you're Goldie Hawn.

Don't waste your precious years on that SHIT!

AufderAutobahn · 08/08/2017 17:35

Lundy Bancroft said something interesting in his book, Why Does He Do That (which I thoroughly recommend BTW!). He said abusers don't have an issue with their anger, they have a problem with your anger and they want to jam it back down your throat. They feel threatened and want to be in control. OP, please leave. Do not marry him. Abusers typically ramp up their abuse after marriage or pregnancy, when they feel like they've got you and don't have to pretend any more. He will get worse. Get out now and don't look back! Xx

Goodasgoldilox · 08/08/2017 17:44

If he was able to carry on as if nothing happened when downstairs with others but was apparently helpless with rage when with you - then he is actually very controlled and is using 'temper' as a way of managing you.

He isn't going to get better. You have had this for 10 years.

Thinking about other posts on here - it might well get worse if you marry him.

While you are with this man - you can't be available for the good loving man you were meant for.

magoria · 08/08/2017 17:59

Don't waste another 10 years of your life.

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