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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fiance won't communicate, storms off

129 replies

RoboGirl · 06/08/2017 21:43

I'm planning on getting married next June, but I'm worried about this behaviour.

My fiance has a terrible temper, and when he gets in any way upset (e.g. if I ask him to do the dishes or suggest that perhaps he could stop sulking over something), he will fly into a rage and storm out of the house. He has just done this at my soon-to-be inlaws house, leaving me here with his family. I am so humiliated to have them know that I am treated like that. It's so awful having to sit here and explain when they ask "where's fiance?", having to say that he stormed out and left me here.

He got back and has refused to talk to me. I was in floods of tears. I think his family convinced him to come and talk to me, but it was an exercise in threat and humiliation. He kept raising his voice, which I found very humiliating in front of his family. Then he threatens to walk off every few seconds. So we can't have a conversation/I can't tell him how I'm feeling because he's constantly standing at the door, and as soon as I say anything trying to stand up for myself (like I don't deserve to be treated like this), he storms off again, leaving me here on my own.

I have asked him to get counselling to control his temper, but he refuses to admit that he has a problem. I find his constant threats to walk off mean that we can't communicate. It is very bullying and threatening.

I just feel so humiliated. I'm sat here in the bedroom of his family's house unable to go anywhere because he is downstairs with them laughing away, and I don't want him to make another scene in front of them.

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 06/08/2017 22:30

Don't waste any more years with him, You know it will not end well.

PickAChew · 06/08/2017 22:32

Do not marry this man. Listen to your discomfort.

Hightime · 06/08/2017 22:32

Look it's only embarrassment. Although you have nothing to be embarrassed about as it's his bad behaviour. But rather be embarrassed than get married and realise what a costly and complicated mistake that would be.
Your self worth ain't determined nor dependant on how much someone does or doesn't love you. Your self worth is determined by you, by how much you care about yourself that you can get yourself out of this situation.

Original poster
RoboGirl · 06/08/2017 22:33

How do I face his family tomorrow? I'm mortified.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 06/08/2017 22:34

To be fair to him, he must feel very upset to treat me like this.

If only this were true but the truth is he doesn't care. If he did, he wouldn't treat you in such an appalling way.. You do know this isn't the way good relationships are, don't you?j

I really don't get why you would want to marry a man who values you so little. It is better to have a fulfilling life as a single than be tied to someone who who is driven by his anger .

NameChange30 · 06/08/2017 22:35

Counselling to control his temper? Like an anger management course?

Well. Does he lose his temper with other people or just you? Has he lost his temper with colleagues or friends? Lost jobs or friendships over it? What about when he goes about his day to day life, with people working in shops and restaurants for example? Ever been banned from somewhere or arrested?

I have a feeling the answer might be no. In which case it's not an anger issue. It's an abuse issue. He's using anger to intimidate and control you.

Please read these signs of emotional abuse and the abuser profiles.

It's essential that you get real life support. Call Women's Aid and talk to a supportive friend or family member about the situation.

Above all, do not marry him. Obviously.

PickAChew · 06/08/2017 22:35

I wonder if he could change if he went and got counselling to control his temper? He is generally very like a teenager when he gets upset, and it has been a real struggle in our relationship.

He won't. He's had 10 years to get better at being a good partner and hasn't felt the need to improve things yet.

My ex had form for this. It just got steadily worse.

seven201 · 06/08/2017 22:36

He's being incredibly manipulative, along with being a dick. He is trying to make you feel like it's your fault and you're the one over-reacting! I'm sorry but I'm also in the don't marry him camp. If he'd been willing to try counselling then I would say don't get he up yet, but he's not even showing willing!

Original poster
RoboGirl · 06/08/2017 22:37

You do know this isn't the way good relationships are, don't you?

Genuine question: what do other men do when they get upset/their feelings are hurt? It doesn't feel like his behaviour is normal, but he describes it as though it is, because other men aren't with people as crazy/horrible as me.

OP posts:
LilaoftheGreenwood · 06/08/2017 22:38

Have a form of words ready. Thank them for their hospitality, but it's time for you to leave (were you staying much longer anyway?) You haven't done ANYTHING wrong here. You don't have to explain the situation - it's inexplicable, and all down to his shit behaviour. Then GO, preferably without him.

Do you live with him or are you able to go home and get some head space by yourself? Because I think you know you need to step back from this and figure out what you're going to do next. It's no life, is it?

NameChange30 · 06/08/2017 22:39

"How do I face his family tomorrow? I'm mortified."

Don't. Go home.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He is the one in the wrong. The only embarrassing thing is that you are allowing him to treat you that way. Walk away so he can't.

ExplodedCloud · 06/08/2017 22:39

Can you dump him in front of them? That would let them know you aren't going to be a doormat.

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/08/2017 22:39

If I was one of his parents I'd be bloody embarrassed at how poorly my child had behaved. Are his parents there op? How did they react?

BlessYourCottonSocks · 06/08/2017 22:39

I would be packing right now. And I would face his family by coming downstairs first thing, thanking them politely for having me and lifting my suitcase into the car and driving away.

If he is driving I would be phoning a taxi to take me to the nearest station.

You don't need to be mortified - you are not his mother, but presumably she is there? They should be mortified that they allowed him to grow up to treat others so badly. I am (presumably) old enough to be your mother and I would be horrified if either of my sons treated anyone like this.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 06/08/2017 22:40

other men aren't with people as crazy/horrible as me.

Oh that's so awful, he says that to you? Sad

My god, you need to get away from this one, your head has been slowly fucked sideways over ten years.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 22:40

He's the one who should be embarrassed, not you.

This man isn't marriage material and I'd say ten years is more than enough to spend with him and so you shouldn't make the mistake of marrying him as things will only get worse.

If you think it's as bad as it gets, you're mistaken.

Don't marry him

BlessYourCottonSocks · 06/08/2017 22:40

Cross posted with everyone! We all think the same thing - please take the advice.

NameChange30 · 06/08/2017 22:41

"Genuine question: what do other men do when they get upset/their feelings are hurt? It doesn't feel like his behaviour is normal, but he describes it as though it is, because other men aren't with people as crazy/horrible as me."

That one's straight out of the abuser script. Blaming you for his appalling behaviour.

You are not crazy or horrible. He is.

kittybiscuits · 06/08/2017 22:41

It doesn't matter how long it takes you to leave him. Be it an hour, a week, a month or a year, he will not acknowledge in any way that he behaves like a cunt. Even as you leave him, he wìll blame you. You can't help him. You can help you though.

Dodie66 · 06/08/2017 22:41

When other men get upset about something they talk about it. That's what my DH does anyway. If you can't talk about it with him rationally I don't think you should be with him. Like the other poster said how does he treat other people. Is it just you he treats like this?

ExplodedCloud · 06/08/2017 22:42

Grown ups might get a bit grumpy or snappy when their feelings are hurt but they generally deal with it by explaining that they aren't happy and discussing it.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 06/08/2017 22:43

Were you quite young when you got together?

Original poster
RoboGirl · 06/08/2017 22:43

There is a lot to think about here, particularly anotherEmma's post. It's quite spot on. I'm going to try to go to sleep no. There's still no sign of him coming up/communicating with me. Thank you all for the support and the food for thought.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 06/08/2017 22:44

FFS run like the wind. Do not marry him.

I am currently supporting a dear friend who has been married to a bastard like this for the last 40 years.

Her life could have been so much happier.

PickAChew · 06/08/2017 22:47

what do other men do when they get upset/their feelings are hurt?

Other men who function well simply don't get upset over being asked to wash the dishes. Some of them don't even need to be asked and just get on with it. Because they're adults and not grumpy teenagers and it's their mess in their home, too.

DH isn't perfect. He's perfected the passive aggressive sigh but if he's miffed about something, he'll have a little grumble and we'll talk about it with no need for dramatic "going for a little walk"s and shoulder barging.

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