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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My fiance won't communicate, storms off

129 replies

RoboGirl · 06/08/2017 21:43

I'm planning on getting married next June, but I'm worried about this behaviour.

My fiance has a terrible temper, and when he gets in any way upset (e.g. if I ask him to do the dishes or suggest that perhaps he could stop sulking over something), he will fly into a rage and storm out of the house. He has just done this at my soon-to-be inlaws house, leaving me here with his family. I am so humiliated to have them know that I am treated like that. It's so awful having to sit here and explain when they ask "where's fiance?", having to say that he stormed out and left me here.

He got back and has refused to talk to me. I was in floods of tears. I think his family convinced him to come and talk to me, but it was an exercise in threat and humiliation. He kept raising his voice, which I found very humiliating in front of his family. Then he threatens to walk off every few seconds. So we can't have a conversation/I can't tell him how I'm feeling because he's constantly standing at the door, and as soon as I say anything trying to stand up for myself (like I don't deserve to be treated like this), he storms off again, leaving me here on my own.

I have asked him to get counselling to control his temper, but he refuses to admit that he has a problem. I find his constant threats to walk off mean that we can't communicate. It is very bullying and threatening.

I just feel so humiliated. I'm sat here in the bedroom of his family's house unable to go anywhere because he is downstairs with them laughing away, and I don't want him to make another scene in front of them.

OP posts:

AngelaTwerkel · 06/08/2017 22:49

Your self esteem is in shreds. He won't change. And he will only get worse when you marry. This is your life, it's not a rehearsal, you just get one shot. He is not the man for you.

NameChange30 · 06/08/2017 22:50

I'm glad you found my post and others useful. Hope you can get some sleep. There are a lot of replies with lots to take in. So just take your time to think things through and maybe have a re-read in the morning.

You must feel very alone in his parents' house but you're not. We're all thinking of you.

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/08/2017 22:53

It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life - I called off my wedding to an immature manchild and that quote (on a fridge magnet) helped considerably!

Please don't marry him. Can you imagine him talking to future children like that?

AnyFucker · 06/08/2017 22:53

My husband has never got "upset" for the teasons this pillock has

He's not a pathetic manchild. All men are not like this, I promise you

Elvisrocks · 06/08/2017 22:56

Shit, he sounds truly awful. I think you know you have to leave him. However, I am sure the ladies of mumsnet will support you throughout so please do lean on all of us when you're feeling low or need moral support.

PsychedelicSheep · 06/08/2017 23:02

Has he ever even shown the slightest inclination to go for counselling?

Men like him hardly ever bother as they don't believe they're doing anything wrong and are entitled to behave this way.

I 100% believe that if you marry this guy you will regret it. Please put yourself first.

LindyHemming · 06/08/2017 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LT1927 · 06/08/2017 23:15

Definitely leave him. You sound as if the life has been sucked out of you in your posts which is heartbreaking. Nobody should have the power to hurt you like this.

If you feel he won't listen to your reasons, either write him a letter or send an email which will allow you to explain fully your feelings and why his behaviour isn't okay.

Or just print this thread and show him how awful everyone thinks he is!

Threenme · 06/08/2017 23:18

Please don't marry him. He won't change.

Twillow · 06/08/2017 23:18

Poor love, you've had a lot to cope with for a long time. Your feelings must be in tatters.
But you know what - despite how awful you're feeling, YOU'RE not shouting, storming off etc. That's why his behaviour is wrong. It's inconsiderate, childish, rude and certainly not conducive to a marriage.
You are looking for reasons, which are not your problem, although it's a natural thing for a kind, caring person to do. He is probably not examining a) his behaviour, instead minimising it (because it hurts his self-esteem to him to question what he is doing) and b) how you, his partner and fiance, is feeling.

Instead, he is downstairs laughing. Not AT you, I'm sure, I'm not saying he is a monster or DELIBERATELY unkind. And that's even harder, because he is no doubt funny, caring, sexy etc for at least a proportion of your life, and you're hanging onto the hope that that side is the real him (and the other side will go away).
The other side of him won't go away, I'm sorry. It will always be a juggling match. It's known as 'walking on eggshells'. You feel bad about his family because they are nice people, you feel ashamed because you are embarrassed that you are treated like this and he is behaving like this. But they are not blind. He has probably always been like this and they are over the moon that someone will put up with his foibles.
You don't deserve to be unhappy, you know.

Threenme · 06/08/2017 23:20

I would also add that his family are shits. If my son was behaving like this to his partner of 10 years he'd be getting an earful!

thereallochnessmonster · 06/08/2017 23:22

It shows what I'm truly worth if this is how someone who's supposed to love me the most in the world treats me.

No, it doesn't. It shows what you are currently ACCEPTING - but this is NOT what you are worth. You're worth loads more!

Think about it for a sec: what would you think if your best friend's bf acted this way to her? What would you think of him?

Or if your daughter or son's partner acted this way? That might give you the impetus to leave the sorry twat.

thereallochnessmonster · 06/08/2017 23:24

Genuine question: what do other men do when they get upset/their feelings are hurt?

They talk about it? They may show they are hurt/upset but it doesn't involve all this fuckwittery, honestly.

Hermonie2016 · 06/08/2017 23:26

Even if he went for counselling there is a high risk he won't change.

My ex went to counselling for a year and if anything it got worse as he blamed me.

What I finally understood is that he does not think the same way as you.You believe he shares the same relationship values as you do but that's not the case.

He wants to be top dog and he wants

you fear his explosions.

He doesn't want to make you feel better after a blow up.He doesn't care sufficiently for you but he can't truly care about anyone, especially someone who expects to be an equal partner.

I tried working on my marriage because I felt if I explained myself or just found the right words he would have a lightbulb moment.
However once I realised he didn't want to understand my feelings it was quite liberating.

Men like these will never successfully have relationships.They just don't "get" mutuality, it about them being put first always.

It really isn't you, it's him.Leave him and find a man who is not as dysfunctional.

Keep posting, anyone who has had an abusive relationship will relate to your feelings of confusion but please don't under value yourself.You are worth much more and deserve to be treated well.

notapizzaeater · 06/08/2017 23:58

You don't need to marry this 'Kevin the teenager'

Real men do not storm off if it's not what they want to hear or do.

sonlypuppyfat · 07/08/2017 00:02

Can you imagine him treating you and your kids like this? Your life will be awful he'll rule you, get out while you can

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2017 00:06

Other men don't get upset by being asked to wash the dishes. My husband wouldnt behave like that if I shouted 'for Christ sake could you just wash the bloody dishes for once! (And remember they aren't washed just because they've been passed under water, they are washed if they are CLEAN)' He is the horrible one, you aren't. Please don't marry him. Please leave.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 07/08/2017 00:12

Run and never look back.

Howlongtilldinner · 07/08/2017 00:18

What do his family think about the way he treats you? Does anyone question him? Do they support you? My ex 'd' partners family saw what their DS did/said to me but still accepted it and supported him.

Leave him OP, as pp have said, he will never change, I have been with someone like that. I got rid and he's now with another woman. He treats her worse than he did me.

Maelstrop · 07/08/2017 00:54

He won't change, this is who he is. He's emotionally abusing you and gaslighting you by telling you it's your fault he gets like this. It's not, he's just an abusive nasty piece of work. Why are you with him? How does he show that he cherishes and loves you? Seriously?

thestamp · 07/08/2017 01:05

My ex was pretty awful in many ways but even he never acted this way when upset. He'd sulk a bit. Never stormed off or shouted at me and certainly not in front of family, he'd be mortified.

My current dp has never really been upset with me...? I imagine if he did get upset he might go a bit quiet, or say sharply "what you're doing is upsetting me". Something like that?

This situation isn't normal op, not in the slightest. he's very very manipulative and has you exactly where he wants you.

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2017 01:16

My fiance has a terrible temper

If you marry him you are setting yourself up for a life of misery

to be fair to him, he must feel very upset to treat me like this

Im sure many people do get upset and angry. We are all human. Most of us aren't ignorant bullies that will unleash anger shame and humiliation on our parters though. That'd be the reason

For you to even say that "to be fair?!!!". Please go to counselling on your own to explore and talk through the issues

He's a man he's not God, and you don't need to marry him to experience even more shame and humiliation do you? Haven't you had enough yet? You're upstairs and he has so little care and respect for you he can sit there laughing and joking with his people whilst you skunk around in misery upstairs. Why do you want to live like that?

There are decent men out there but you won't meet them if you tie yourself to this oaf

I hope you do consider counselling. Find yourself and remember your worth and don't let your life be marred by men such as this.

Dorissonia · 07/08/2017 02:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2017 02:43

Oh ffs not the stupid spellcaster boring spambots

Seeingadistance · 07/08/2017 03:11

OP, this man is an abuser and he will not change.

You are not responsible for his action - he is.

You can take responsibility for your own life. Leave him now, get away from him and don't look back.

Take some time to heal up - some counselling would be good for you so you can reflect on how he has affected your ideas of what a relationship looks like and what is normal and what is not normal. His behaviour is not normal for any reasonable person. His behaviour, sadly, is quite normal for an abusive man - the over-reactions to reasonable requests, the refusal to communicate calmly and talk about points of disagreement, blaming you for his sulks, his moods, his abusive behaviour.

As others have said already - run, run like the wind and do not look back.

Your life can be so, so much better.

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