My fiance won't communicate, storms off

[RoboGirl]

I'm planning on getting married next June, but I'm worried about this behaviour.

My fiance has a terrible temper, and when he gets in any way upset (e.g. if I ask him to do the dishes or suggest that perhaps he could stop sulking over something), he will fly into a rage and storm out of the house. He has just done this at my soon-to-be inlaws house, leaving me here with his family. I am so humiliated to have them know that I am treated like that. It's so awful having to sit here and explain when they ask "where's fiance?", having to say that he stormed out and left me here.

He got back and has refused to talk to me. I was in floods of tears. I think his family convinced him to come and talk to me, but it was an exercise in threat and humiliation. He kept raising his voice, which I found very humiliating in front of his family. Then he threatens to walk off every few seconds. So we can't have a conversation/I can't tell him how I'm feeling because he's constantly standing at the door, and as soon as I say anything trying to stand up for myself (like I don't deserve to be treated like this), he storms off again, leaving me here on my own.

I have asked him to get counselling to control his temper, but he refuses to admit that he has a problem. I find his constant threats to walk off mean that we can't communicate. It is very bullying and threatening.

I just feel so humiliated. I'm sat here in the bedroom of his family's house unable to go anywhere because he is downstairs with them laughing away, and I don't want him to make another scene in front of them.

If you can't imagine someone living and cherishing you, you are definitely in the wrong relationship.

Hills. Now, woman. Run.
Trust me, there is someone better than this for you.

You deserve so much better.

Run like the wind before you are stuck, I've been there with a tantruming boy and he got worse not better, don't feel any guilt or sympathy just go xx

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!

I really appreciate the support here. It feels wonderful to be listened to and cared for and told I'm worth something xxx

He cannot be chivvied out of his basic personality

A man like this would not accept what a counsellor said and would simply use what is said in sessions as more ammunition to belittle you

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book ...you will find this loser in there

He must feel very bad to treat you like this? Woah
I bet he's really good to you as well except for when he treats you like shit?
I despair for women who accept these sub standard relationships.
This will only escalate. Do yourself a favour and cut yourself some slack. Don't be so desperate to lower yourself so much by staying with this guy.

Pre marriage counselling if you are dead set.

I married a sulker and a shouter. I left after six months. It was much more difficult doing that than calling off the wedding.

To be fair to him, he must feel very upset to treat me like this.

Don't be daft., he does it because he's an arsehole who knows he can get away with it and it's a great way to control you.

You can't marry this bloke! Why would you marry someone who treats you like that?!

You are worth a lot.
If being with him hasn't made you feel that, especially in this special time before you marry, then I really doubt if he's the right one for you, or deserves to be with you.

It's great to be kind and understanding to a partner, and seek to help them with a problem.
But can you name three times when he's been like that towards you?

Op...I don't think you quite get it

He treats you like dirt to feel better about himself. He has to reduce you to validate himself. You can't counsel someone out of that mindset and you cannot help him be a better man. You making a doormat of ypurself will have one outcome only: he will continue to wipe the shit off his shoes on you.

I'm amazed you've stuck it out this long.
No fully functioning adult has a temper tantrum if their partner asks them to wash up.
If he's willing to go to counselling and you want to see how it goes, I'd say that's risky.
If no counselling- do not marry him unless you're prepared for this to last the rest of your life. And why would you?

He won't change and he won't go to a councillor because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I bet he never apologises, and when he does it's a "I'm sorry....but" which is like the shittest apology ever designed to put the blame on you.

Don't marry him, your going to have a misrable life if you do being shouted at and humiliated constantly.

Get your big girl pants on and scrape up what's left of your dignity, and get your stuff together and leave him there at his family's house because your worth ten of him and yes there IS skmeone out there who would never dream of treating you this way.

He isn't upset. He is showing you who he really is. Counselling only works when the counselled wants to engage.

What is your living situation? Rent, mortgage? Are you working?

How old are you OP?

I get that having invested 10 years of your life in this relationship you must feel like leaving now would somehow be a jettisoning a serious investment that may, just may, yield some decent returns any moment now. However, unless he recognises he has a problem which it doesn't look like he does, you will live life of misery with not only no returns but losses to you every time you're left to deal with it and it will get worse. If you're planning kids together imagine him being that way when you have a baby and your child being around that negative angry energy.

If you want to have another bash at it he must attend counselling (and do so consistently) as otherwise wedding is off. Otherwise I think other posters have already said what I would say.

For now I'd leave the situation and go home making clear you are leaving because of unacceptable behaviour on his part.

Hightime, it does feel desperate. That's why I feel so humiliated in front of his family, to have them know that he treats me like this and that I stay.

The problem is, he won't recognise that what he's done/what he does is wrong. There's always an excuse about how I pushed him to it. He described what happened tonight as him going for a quiet walk. I experienced it as him pushing past me, storming off and literally running down the driveway leaving me to explain the situation to his family. Even when he calms down, there's no recognition of the scale of what he's done. He's like "eh...I'm sorry for going for a walk", completely missing the point and not recognising his behaviour.

If he was so bloody upset then how is he managing to laugh with his family whilst you are sitting upstairs humiliated?
He's not upset at all - In fact he's probably feeling quite fucking smug because he's got you exactly where he wants you - again.

No one is going to save you from this other than you so please start considering how different your life could be.

I was in a rubbish relationship and had the chance to walk away. I didn't.

I wasted 18 years in that marriage. 18 whole years. I broke our marriage up when the kids were teenagers, it was horrible for them. It broke XHDs heart, he went quite nuts for a bit.

And I found a man who proved to me that loving, caring relationships with excellent communication really are out there.

Do not waste your life and fritter away your happiness. Walk away right now. Have the happy, safe, fantastic life you deserve.

This thread is really making me think. Thank you all for that. I have always thought that he must be feeling very awful if he's lashing out like this/treating me like this, but the poster who commented that he has me exactly where he wants me has really made me think. He is actually currently posting pictures to Facebook as if nothing is happening, while I'm up here shaking. I think you're right.

He's got you where he wants you now.
You're ashamed that his family have seen how he treats you?
Really?
That's not right.
You could be angry at how he treats you.
You could feel embarrassed that he's shown himself up.
Why are you ashamed or embarrassed? You didn't have a tantrum.

I am sorry if I came across harsh to you. The problem isn't him. The problem is you. Because you are accepting this and allowing him to treat you this way. By sticking with him you are telling him it's okay to treat you like shit. Why do you care that he doesn't recognise the problem. It's nothing to do with you. You ain't his therapist. Let him sort himself out and you care about yourself. If you spent as much energy on yourself as you are spending on him trying to make him see his problems, you will be a long way off making a better life for yourself.
I really feel pity for you. Pity that you are willing to accept and put up with this. What's stopping you from walking away right now. Walk away don't look back. Be alone and miserable but don't be with someone and miserable. That's no life.

It might be worth having a look at this Robogirl and see if anything strikes you.

I'm embarrassed that they know I allow myself to be treated this way/that this is my life. I'm very successful in all other aspects of my life, and I'm deeply embarrassed that I haven't got a better relationship. It shows what I'm truly worth if this is how someone who's supposed to love me the most in the world treats me.

Sounds like you're making excuses for his behaviour and justifying it. It will be a lot easier to walk away from a relationship than go through a divorce. You've not mentioned if you have children. This will test your relationship to the extremes & stability is essential!

No no no, darling he absolutely will not change. He's embarrassing. He doesn't care where you are or how he does it. This will be your life if you marry him, please please don't x