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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
charlie2405 · 05/08/2017 16:37

Oh OK. Don't know how your so calm. I'd be drowning my sorrows and ready to have it out with him. I wouldn't be able to keep it inside tbh. Any idea who it could be with? Would you consider staying or is this a deal breaker? Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/08/2017 16:37

If you dont believe the OP then report. Or leave the thread.

Beahun · 05/08/2017 16:43

First of all I'm so sorry op it's happening to you! So I looked up Luton to Paris for 2 nights end of August for 2 it was £262. You might be able to look up his booking, as it's his email address and password but you might know his password he uses usually. It's a crap situation but you sound very strong!

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/08/2017 16:44
  1. Sleeps in other room
  2. Starts buying new clothes
  3. Starts to use moisturiser etc
  4. Buys condoms (receipt in wallet)
  5. Is distant and evasive
  6. Restaurant meals to two (receipt in wallet)
  7. Museum (receipt in wallet)
  8. Apartment booked
  9. Flight booked
10. Always faffing with phone/email/text... 11. Works late

Is that not more than enough?

CoffeeAndEnnui · 05/08/2017 16:45

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Motherofterriers · 05/08/2017 16:46

When I found evidence of my XOH's affair I kept quiet until I had copies of everything I needed - proof of his cheating, bank details etc, and then confronted him after I'd taken legal advice. Staying calm was difficult but he would have denied it/hidden everything if he had realised I suspected what was going on. I'm sorry OP, it's horrible.

DreamingofItaly · 05/08/2017 16:48

OP, this is horrid. I like Phunt's idea of asking to take DD away at the weekend instead of a romantic break.

On the receipt thing, I keep ALL my receipts in my purse until the end of the month when I complete my work expenses, then throw them away (but then I'm not buying condoms to cheat on DP). Among these will regularly be receipts for dinner for 2 if I've taken a customer or member of my team out, so that bit alone could be innocent. The condom thing is odd tho.

Also, I can never understand people in long term relationships/marriages where you don't know OH's phone code. Or where the other person would get angry by going in their wallet. DP and I go in whichever wallet/purse is closest if we need cash, it's all our money anyway.

Jb291 · 05/08/2017 16:51

Yes he's cheating OP. He's not even trying to conceal it. Time to start getting your ducks in a row and seeing a solicitor in preparation for filing for divorce.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/08/2017 16:54

DH and I each have one phone which is provided by our employers. We work for rival companies. We don't know each other's pin codes and nor should we.

I've asked friends about this as it's always held up on MN as signifying a terrible lack of trust, and most of their phones are also tied to work. Turns out I barely know anyone who pays for their own phone.

quickname · 05/08/2017 16:55

best advice to all who might be in a similar situation is to get finances in order, make sure he can't financially damage you both

Goodythreeshoes · 05/08/2017 16:56

Believe it it not, some cheaters ARE too stupid to cover their tracks.
I know from bitter experience.

supersop60 · 05/08/2017 16:59

Usually they're so blinded by love/lust that they're not thinking straight. Yuk.
I too have been burned.

Gemxo · 05/08/2017 17:14

What a twat!

Spangles1963 · 05/08/2017 17:21

The fact that he hasn't bothered to cover his tracks makes it look like he wants to get caught out.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/08/2017 17:22

I agree that he is probably being a coward so I wouldnt make it easy for him.

Confront him with the evidence and then ask him what he is going to do. If he wants to leave then make him do it, make him say the words.

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 17:34

I'm keeping calm as there is no point creating a bad (massive understatement) argument, atmosphere, anything!) right now. I've dealt with crap and stress in my time and I guess I've found some way of handling it. I'm screaming and hurting inside but come Monday I'll be at the local solicitors. I want to let him think I'm totally oblivious to his shenanigans and plans, I hope he's maybe feeling some pang of guilt. We've got a beautiful daughter, house and holiday home, dogs, cat , hens. We've worked so hard and never dreamed we would ever have achieved so much together - so now he's prepared to throw it all away for some marriage breaker. I don't know if I want divorce yet, but I'm not letting him off lightly either way.

I don't know any of his passwords. I've not told anyone other than our daughter, she's old enough to understand, she's already commented on his behaviour, so I've asked her not to say/do anything. I might message an old school friend of mine, he's separated and now going through divorce, wife booted him out cited there was no one, but there was.

OP posts:
lou1221 · 05/08/2017 17:42

Sorry you're going through this, what an absolute shit! Get yourself financially sorted first and foremost, make sure you have a bank account that he has no access to, transfer funds into it, you are entitled to half. make sure your name is on mortgage etc. You sound very level headed, I was a similar age to your daughter when my dad had his third affair, mum kicked him out, but he weaseled his way back in 6 months later. Sadly my mum died a few years ago, and within 2 months of her dying he had two women on the go. :(

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2017 17:44

Playing it cool is the exactly right thing to do. Get all your ducks in a row and know your legal position before you say anything to him. He'll deny and deny, of course, so don't bother arguing with him about it. Just say 'I know what I know and this is what I'm going to do about it'.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/08/2017 17:46

OP, do not stay with this cheating rat, you and your daughter, are worth so much more.

user1497199406 · 05/08/2017 17:51

You are doing exactly the right thing. Get your ducks in a row and you will be in a stronger position no matter what you decide to do.

saoirse31 · 05/08/2017 17:51

Telling your daughter seems wrong to me tbh. Even if he's a cheating scumbag, that's BT you and him, I think it's unfair to be putting her where she's to choose sides. She's your daughter, not your support

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2017 17:59

I'm with saoirse. Please keep your DD out of this. She's your child, not your confidante. My cousin did this and she's still picking up the pieces 20 years later of the effects it had on her children.

He's her father. In her mind if you criticize him, you criticize her. She doesn't need to 'pick sides' in this which is what you confiding in her will make her feel she must do. She'll figure out the kind of man he is in her own good time when she's older.

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 18:01

.

Cupoteap · 05/08/2017 18:02

Thinking of you ((()))

Strictly1 · 05/08/2017 18:02

So sorry - no other advice but take care of yourself x