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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Thissameearth · 08/08/2017 21:45

Yup Cersei legally she can't insist upon him leaving. She can ask him to go but can't force him (unless DV then there are other processes).

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 21:47

If they had to rent an apartment I assume she's also married and may not be keen for the affair to be revealed.

lazycrazyhazy · 08/08/2017 21:49

With you all the way.

I'd be inclined not to respond to any reply from him. Though I don't know if I'd be restrained enough. You deserve for him to come home and face you.

I rather hope he doesn't read it until he is on the train as I think it may push the 2 of them together against you, particularly if she's hoping to be with him.

Big hugs. Do you have RL support tonight?

debbs77 · 08/08/2017 21:49

We all have your back xxx

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 21:53

Still no reply, should I send another text, I want to push him into a response if he has read my last one

Shuggas im not much of a nIn fan but a bug gn fan

OP posts:
socubatevira · 08/08/2017 21:54

Have to place mark (sorry!) MN on phone is horrendous! Squeezing said phone so hard trying to send you a virtual hug!! I really wish we all could be with you when the cheating fuck walks in!! Flowers

socubatevira · 08/08/2017 21:54

NO!

Alpies · 08/08/2017 21:54

Don't send another text. Keep calm and start packing his stuff into suitcases.

MandateMandy · 08/08/2017 21:55

Op can not throw him out. It is his house too. She can ask him to leave but he does not need to go and she can not change locks.

World This is awful for you but I agree with other posters who say do not turn to your husband's best friend for support. His bond with your husband may run deeper than you realise. It could also be misconstrued. Also do not turn to your daughter. She may appear very mature and willing but she is still a child and needs to work through her own hurt and feelings of betrayal and abandonment without also having to deal with yours. Whether you mean for her to do this or not - she loves you and will take on your pain (much as you would hers) so as much as it is difficuilt to do you need to show her only strength and paste on a smile. Her relationship with her Dad is now their business.

You are doing immensely well. It must be so tempting to lose your shit - but try to keep the upper hand. You will never regret it.

LEMtheoriginal · 08/08/2017 21:55

Call the phone

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 21:55

Ok! Confused

OP posts:
overduemamma · 08/08/2017 21:55

I would be sending text after text but that's just me and my crazy mind... this must be driving you mad! X

MrsMamaG2016 · 08/08/2017 21:56

Leave him to stew exactly like you've been for past few days ...

Just remember your better than this and deserve a man to treat you right please don't just stay with him worrying about the shit that will come if your gonna then do it if you can move past it ... but otherwise make yourself happy you deserve that! Xx

cherish123 · 08/08/2017 21:56

Could he be depressed? Has something happened at work -threat of sacking or actual sacking or work-related stress? These could be another explanation.

FisforFamily · 08/08/2017 21:56

Keep calm, don't text or phone Flowers

socubatevira · 08/08/2017 21:57

Don't give him any more. Have a shot of brandy or something. Gather yourself. Wait. It'll be so hard, but please do it.

Funko · 08/08/2017 21:57

Do not send another. I feel for you I really do and I suspect you have so much pent up hurt and anger right now you need a release. But you will regret it.

Grey rock. Emotionless. Calm. Steady.

Flowers

Most of us saying this (including me) have been here and are speaking from bitter experience.

Barbie1 · 08/08/2017 21:57

I would be calling him now. He has no reason not to answer his phone at this time.

See if he puts you directly through to voice mail?

haveacupoftea · 08/08/2017 21:57

PM me the number and I will ring and see if he answers if you like Grin

Alpies · 08/08/2017 21:57

Keep your dignity. Act classy and in control. Don't text again plz. Wait for his response.

Be prepared for worst case scenario. I hope u have close friends or family u can lean on. Not his BM

Lou898 · 08/08/2017 21:58

I was reading this before you're latest post thinking it could be a number of things that didn't include an affair such as illness, lost his job, stress etc but the condom thing definitely throws a different light on things.
I feel your anxiety as many years ago I was in same position and it's very soul destroying.
I in the end confronted with evidence - condom wrappers, photos of another woman and late nights at work. Although he denied it and came up with an unbelievably plausible reason for them all we did split up eventually when other things changed. we weren't married and no children were involved so easier than your situation.
I wish you all the best in sorting out this very difficult and heartbreaking situation

JaneEyre70 · 08/08/2017 21:59

Yes leave contact until he gets home. And also consider that he may have stayed with the OW if he thinks the game is up anyway......he may not come back tonight if he knows a confrontation is waiting.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 08/08/2017 21:59

Don't call or text. Keep yourself busy on twitter, Instagram or here on MN. Don't engage in the pick me dance. If he doesn't come home tonight, you have your answer.
At which point you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and look forward, not back.

ChrisPrattsFace · 08/08/2017 22:01

I'm amazed at how strong and calm you are Op. I hope the truth comes out for you, so you can move on in whatever way is best.

LT1927 · 08/08/2017 22:01

Just caught up on all of this...you are doing so well OP! A strong person for your daughter to be proud of and look up to.

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