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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Kaleidogyn · 08/08/2017 21:28

Sending hugs & thinking of you. Can't imagine how painful this must be. You're being so brave. Flowers

Norky1975 · 08/08/2017 21:28

Hang in there. You're doing great.
You're holding all the cards - don't lose sight of that

fatfingeredfran · 08/08/2017 21:28

@TeamCersei bm = his best man from their wedding

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 21:29

His BM, I just know in my heart what he would think about all this

OP posts:
WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 08/08/2017 21:30

Has he seen it???
Do something. .. have a bath or ask a friend over. You'll be wrecking your head if he doesn't reply... xxx

Thebluedog · 08/08/2017 21:30

Never underestimate the bond between BM, he might not agree with it, but ultimately he's still his BM and may tip him off

Norky1975 · 08/08/2017 21:30

OP, does anyone else at all know?
I really think you need some support.

thegirlupnorth · 08/08/2017 21:31

OP I'm so sorry. The outcome isn't going to be a good one but by texting him you've given him the heads up which gives you a bit of a disadvantage and you might have lost the upper hand. I hope he's man enough to come home and tell you the truth.

thegirlupnorth · 08/08/2017 21:32

He might not turn phone on until he's on way home?

ItsNachoCheese · 08/08/2017 21:33

Thinking of you op your "d"h is an absolute knobjockey

lou1221 · 08/08/2017 21:34

What about your friend who came over yesterday? You are very brave, a virtual hug and hand hold being sent your way xx

HeartStrings · 08/08/2017 21:34

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP Flowers

You may be sitting there in your own in RL right now but you have hundreds of people on here behind you. We're not going anywhere, we're all here for you!
But
I agree with PPs though and you maybe should call BM to be with you. All as well having us here but you do need someone with you in RL

ADayGivingMeHope · 08/08/2017 21:34

FlowersFlowers

Patsypedalo · 08/08/2017 21:35

Oh world, I've just found this thread and cant imagine how you're feeling. You are doing the right thing by confronting it though, the uncertainty and watching/waiting was tying you up in knots.

At least tonight you will KNOW what's been going on and from there you can start to rebuild, regroup.

Be strong Flowers

LazyDailyMailJournos · 08/08/2017 21:35

I don't think that OP has necessarily given her DH an advantage. It's equally likely that he's turned his phone back on, seen her texts and is now shitting himself. Don't forget that he has no idea what or how much she actually knows - IMO he's the one at a disadvantage.

Scrumptiousbears · 08/08/2017 21:35

I really would avoid the best man OP

Passthebiscuitspls · 08/08/2017 21:36

world I have been exactly where you are recently. I only hope your H has more balls than mine. I didn't send any messages, it took a while after I had my suspisions but I got the evidence I needed and before I told him what I knew, I saw a solicitor and filed for divorce. I then told him what I knew before his paperwork dropped through the letterbox the next day. I could tell he was rattled and devastated when I said I'd filed, but he never admitted it. Still doesn't to this day. Full disclosure in the divorce uncovered quite how long it had been going on as he had a secret bank account with a lot of money in it & lots of transactions for hotels, holidays etc.
Keep strong my lovely. This is going to be shit. And shit for some time. I'm still in the thick of it now but I'm definitely stronger than I was then. Fingers crossed he caves and tells you what's been going on. Sending lots of love. X

Thissameearth · 08/08/2017 21:36

Can you focus on your friends rather than your husband's? Have you sent a second text?

JaneEyre70 · 08/08/2017 21:37

I'd pack a bag for him OP, on the chance that he will just try to gaslight you and won't admit to anything. And leave it so he can see it when he walks through the door.

LarderWoman · 08/08/2017 21:38

Sorry you’re in this situation, OP. You’re doing really well, you’ve got this.
You’re in charge now, don’t let the sly bastard undermine you - take it
at your own pace and make the fucker rue the day he took all the treasures he had for granted. Flowers

TeamCersei · 08/08/2017 21:38

OP's solicitor has said that technically she can't throw him out.
Or did I misread that?

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 08/08/2017 21:41

I second what pp said. Don't contact his BM, lean on your own friends for support. BM will be forced to pick sides if you tell him what your suspicions are re DH.

clickhappy · 08/08/2017 21:41

I would pack a bag for him too. I think you will probably need some space from him after that conversation. Maybe have BM on speed dial and send him over to explain what a shit he has been.

Stay strong. And be prepared for gas lighting.

LilyMcClellan · 08/08/2017 21:44

Well done, OP. You must be feeling in a right state. Time to take a lot of deep breaths, have a cup of sweet tea and get ready. You want to be super-calm when he gets home. Almost bored, as though you've known about it so long that you're done processing it.

You're going to have to bluff confidently. "So you came back. I guess that means you do care about saving our marriage, though I'm a bit surprised, given what I know. If you actually do want to save your marriage, you've got one chance to be honest with me. Anything less than full honesty is going to result in my divorce lawyer serving papers tomorrow. Don't be tempted to miss anything out. You haven't been very clever in hiding evidence, and you certainly haven't been subtle enough to avoid other people noticing your little romance. So, are you going to be honest, or lose everything?"

This will leave him panicking both about what you've found, and who has grassed on him.

CaptainHammer · 08/08/2017 21:44
Flowers