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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 21:06

or, even

"Managed to get tickets to that film I wanted to see, meet up with you at the cinema in 10"

socubatevira · 08/08/2017 21:06

Actually:

Heard the reviews for weren't great, but you can let me know when you get home.

Haribogirl · 08/08/2017 21:07

World you don't need to say that, HE already knows that,
He wants best of both worlds and didn't think you were intelligent enough to fathom him out
Your doing the pick me dance
I know it's hard, but your in control of this shit he's caused
Make him beg, do not give in easy.
You will never forgive yourself if you don't

shuggas · 08/08/2017 21:08

I truly hope you get an honest and true response that brings you what you need. Really thinking of you. Flowers

LilyMcClellan · 08/08/2017 21:10

If you start talking about how amazing the other woman must be, you come across as wanting his approval, or feeling insecure. This gives him an angle to manipulate you.

HopefulHamster · 08/08/2017 21:12

Well I think there's no 'single' right way to do this, and the OP should be able to let him know she knows, how she wants...

It would be different if she was still collecting evidence but I think she has enough to know for sure.

socubatevira · 08/08/2017 21:12

I'm with @Haribogirl! Don't make it easy for him. He'll prob end up feeling a little smug that you're fighting for him. Keep your cards close to your chest. Show him no emotion. NOTHING until he's sung like a canary and told you everything you need to know! Which he may or may not!!
If he doesn't, you won't have lost your self respect.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 21:14

"Now look closely at her. That's the woman you've thrown your life away for. Hope you still think she's worth it."

iwannapuppy · 08/08/2017 21:16

Good luck OP so sorry this is happening to you. Like loads of others on here I understand the sick feeling you have in your stomach right now.

TeamCersei · 08/08/2017 21:17

also think you should add a 'don't come home' onto the last text and go for wine, bath etc

surel, If he doesn't come home the OP will have to wait even longer to get answers? Confused

marmaladeforme · 08/08/2017 21:17

Oh gosh I'm really feeling for you op. My tummy is in knots. What a fucking cunting bastard husband he is.
You will come out of this stronger. Hand hold and a massive hug for you.

pinkoneblueone · 08/08/2017 21:17

@SchnitzelVonKrumm hit the nail on the head, I'm sorry you are going through all this.

LilyMcClellan · 08/08/2017 21:17

Praising the other woman also takes responsibility away from him, like he couldn't help making his choices because she was so tempting. Focus on who the real problem is: him. She is an irrelevance.

If I were going to text anything, it would be "Now that the movie is over, it's time to come home and face reality. You're going to have one chance to tell the truth."

TeamCersei · 08/08/2017 21:18

If you start talking about how amazing the other woman must be, you come across as wanting his approval, or feeling insecure. This gives him an angle to manipulate you.

Yes, to this.
It's veering into 'The Pick Me Dance' territory.

''I know'' and a frank discussion when he comes home is better.

roselondoner · 08/08/2017 21:20

Really like Schnitzels angle

Here with you op FlowersFlowers

RoseOfSharyn · 08/08/2017 21:21

Flowers for you OP.

I wouldn't text him. I'd leave a bag of his stuff on the doorstep and lwave a key in the lock.

TeamCersei · 08/08/2017 21:22

"Now that the movie is over, it's time to come home and face reality. You're going to have one chance to tell the truth."

This is a very good idea. It has strength to it.
It's strong, calm and to the point.
He won't be able to manipulate or wriggle out of that.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 21:22

Lily, brilliant thank you, I've sent that

OP posts:
socubatevira · 08/08/2017 21:23

This has me in knots!! Don't know how you are coping!!!! Just thinking it thru, I would send NOTHING. It'll just give him time to make up a load of BS on the train and drive home! You want to catch the bastard on the back foot!

TeamCersei · 08/08/2017 21:23

Do you have someone in RL who can come over at the drop of a hat? If the shit does hit the fan?
A relative or close friend?

Flowers
TeamCersei · 08/08/2017 21:24

I don't think you should be facing this on your own.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 21:25

I can't think of anyone other than BM

OP posts:
WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 08/08/2017 21:26

Are you ok?
Sending you lots of strength.
You're awesome and strong and deserve much much better!

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 21:26

I'm shaking, no reply

OP posts:
TeamCersei · 08/08/2017 21:27

His BM or yours?
Either way, have their number read,y just in case.

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