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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Ledkr · 08/08/2017 20:53

Just popping by to say don't forget hundreds of us have been through this and now don't give it much thought st all. You will get through this I promise. You have been very strong well done x

Funko · 08/08/2017 20:54

You know what? You don't deserve this. Send the second text. Leave off the choice about the spare room. Tell him not to come home. Lock the door, Pour yourself a nice glass of wine, run a Bubble bath. Go to bed. Be kind to yourself. You call the shots here.

sailorcherries · 08/08/2017 20:55

I don't think I'd say 'deceiving' me but be more direct.

BewareOfDragons · 08/08/2017 20:56

Just 'I know.' Don't get fancy. 'I know' will do.

Scrumptiousbears · 08/08/2017 20:56

I'm lost. What text has just been delivered?

I'm with you OP. Cheating fucker!

Haribogirl · 08/08/2017 20:59

Have I missed something?

What did you write in the text you sent worldupsidedown

Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 20:59

I am not sure what you want to happen, but I sense you want to give him a chance to come to his senses , its your relationship and you have a right to forgive if that's what you want but I would urge you to think hard about your future and of your self in this as well and be prepared for it to go the other way. Other people are sometimes more aware of the way things are heading when they are on the outside looking in. My very wise dad said to me when I left my ex, "this isn't the end, but its the beginning of the end" and he was right and I am now OK and have no more hurt, but I also have friends who an affair actually was a turning point and saved their relationship, it made them address all the problems and become stronger.. I hope you get the ending you want xx

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 21:01

Ok I'm not sending the deceiving one, I'm sending this:

She must be truly wonderful, and amazing, so much more than I am, seeing as you want to be with her this evening, rather than with me or your beautiful daughter, adoring dogs, and our beautiful home.

OP posts:
colonelgoldfish · 08/08/2017 21:02

Definitely agree with blue dragon.

Just 'I know' will really rattle him.

Sorry you're going through this. Bastard.

socubatevira · 08/08/2017 21:02

He's meant to be at work? Call work.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 21:02

No, don't send that.

cailisto · 08/08/2017 21:03

Don't send that. You're giving him the heads up that you know. You want to see his face when you accuse him rather than giving him time to come up with a cover story.

haveacupoftea · 08/08/2017 21:03

I also think you should add a 'don't come home' onto the last text and go for wine, bath etc

haveacupoftea · 08/08/2017 21:03

No don't send the last one OP it gives him the power

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2017 21:03

Keep it pithy. "I hope you both enjoyed the film."

mswater · 08/08/2017 21:04

Nthing not giving it all away right now, if you say just don’t come home his guilty conscience will surely let something slip..

Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 21:04

What about a simple text:-

"what time does the film finish?"

He will know from that line you know everything.

whiteroseredrose · 08/08/2017 21:04

Seriously. What outcome do you want? You need to think ahead.

socubatevira · 08/08/2017 21:04

No! I wouldn't send that. I'd send:

In London, long story, where are you and we'll head home together x

Thebluedog · 08/08/2017 21:04

'I hope she's worth it' ought to do it Flowers

shuggas · 08/08/2017 21:05

So sorry op Sadawful situation and stay strong!! Itsnotwhatitseems... are you a nin fan...

Down on your knees, you'll be left behind
This is the beginning
Watch what you think; they can read your mind
This is the beginning
I got my mark, see it in my eyes
This is the beginning
Well, my reflection I don't recognize
This is the beginning
We think we've climbed so high
Up all the backs we've condemned
We face no consequence
This is the beginning of the end
You wait your turn, you'll be last in line
This is the beginning
Get out the way 'cause I'm getting mine
This is the beginning
There are some ones that can help themselves
This is the beginning
May be too late as far as I can tell
This is the beginning
We think we've come so far
On all our lies we depend
We see no consequence
This is the beginning of the end

LEMtheoriginal · 08/08/2017 21:05

Sounds like he has his phone off - call it from withheld number. Fucking sleazy cunts

cailisto · 08/08/2017 21:05

OP - you need someone with you who will sit on your phone for you. Don't give him the power in all of this. Keep as cool as you possibly can (then stab some cushions...)

TopangaD · 08/08/2017 21:05

Just.. I know..

MsWanaBanana · 08/08/2017 21:06

I like Schnitzels reply the best. That will really rattle him