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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
bert3400 · 08/08/2017 20:13

@MeUnreasonableOrHim the OP has already stated many times why she wants to text , it's what's right for her

Good luck OP I hope he comes clean and admits everything, unfortunaley in my experience he will try and minimise

babynugget · 08/08/2017 20:19

OP I've been watching this develop - not really reading all the responses you get, just your updates and I think you sound incredibly strong. I know you probably don't feel it and my heart is pounding for you right now - I'm sure yours feels ready to leap out of your mouth. You're holding all the cards here and you are fully in control of this. I'm wishing I could send you a mountain of strength - you need to keep your cool. Don't let the red mist descend or let emotions take over. Easier said than done I know but you have proven already that you can see this through and you can decide from there what the next step is. He has totally under estimated you and is going to get the shock of his life. Stay strong - this will be one of the worst nights of your life but it will soon be over and you will be able to make decisions about the rest of your life.

Magpie24 · 08/08/2017 20:26

Hope it goes as well as it possibly can for you OP. Good luck

FluffyWhiteTowels · 08/08/2017 20:34

To those suggesting to text 'I know' he'll just come back with know what? Then OP is on the back foot and he has control

OP you know in your gut how you want to do this and what you want to do. Ppl have suggested to tone it down so you ensure dignity in the aftermath. Always hold your head high. I understand texting can be better than speaking ... only those in a relationship can know what works

OP feeling for you. Been there. Horrid beyond words. Gets so so so much better .... eventually

Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 20:34

wishing you well tonight OP, remember this is your life and don't be swayed by anyone on here to act a way your not comfortable with. It sounds like you would give him another chance so keep the communication lines open. Your a stronger woman than me x

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 08/08/2017 20:34

The film is ending now ...

Virtual hand holding. I know people say you are dramatising it, but in all honesty, I don't think you are. If you suspect your DH/DP is having an affair, of course you want as much proof as possible to prove it when/if they deny it. Plus, others saying you are dramatising it - bollocks. They can't complain about it being dramatised when they continue to post on the thread.

I think you are doing the right thing.

Confront him when he returns home. if he continues to deny it, present the evidence one by one UNTIL he confesses.

Don't make rash decisions just yet. Let your head rule. And yes, stay calm, be whiter than white. Flowers

Imbeingunreasonable · 08/08/2017 20:36

Hand holding op. Good luck Flowers

FluffyWhiteTowels · 08/08/2017 20:36

Be prepared that he's been so sloppy that he wanted you to find out and that he's such a coward that he needed you to raise the issue so he can confess and leave.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 08/08/2017 20:37

Be prepared that he's been so sloppy that he wanted you to find out and that he's such a coward that he needed you to raise the issue so he can confess and leave.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 20:40

No text reply yet. I've got Eastenders on, if they are react like that from 'just one kiss'.....

I really hope he turns his phone back on, he could just be ignoring it or keeping it turned off while he's with her?

OP posts:
AmandaP86x · 08/08/2017 20:42

Oh this is awful
Hope ur ok luv best of luck x

Funko · 08/08/2017 20:42

Withhold number, call and see if it rings? At least you'll know.

JustMumNowNotMe · 08/08/2017 20:43

You can check to see of the text has delivered or not, if it hasn't it will be because the phone is off or he has no signal.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 20:43

Have you got anyone in RL who can come round and be with you Op?

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 20:45

Its says delivered. I'm on my own

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 08/08/2017 20:47

Have a hand to hold world. Sounds like you're going to need it. Flowers

Thefutureisbright2017 · 08/08/2017 20:48

I second sending the txt with 'I KNOW!' He'll cut his night short and head straight home and his reaction and face will tell all. Ask him to tell you everything, my ex blubbed all night answered all my questions when faced with a drip feed of evidence I had. Flowers

FluffyWhiteTowels · 08/08/2017 20:48

Be strong. Be big and strong

Mrscropley · 08/08/2017 20:48

When my now dh found out his gf was cheating he blagged his way into the cinema showing and confronted them. Calmly and without a scene though. .
Stay strong op and don't fall for his crocodile tears and waffle. .

rainbowlou · 08/08/2017 20:50

A massive Handholding from me xxx

cailisto · 08/08/2017 20:51

Oh honey. Just read the whole thread and I really feel for you. Stay strong and don't give away your evidence/show your cards too easily. Xxxx

Itsnotwhatitseems · 08/08/2017 20:51

We are here with you OP, so whatever happens, if it helps chat on here or privately if you need support to help you through tonight. I wish someone could be with you in RL though x

whiteroseredrose · 08/08/2017 20:53

Just concerned that you might be jumping the gun a bit. Do you know what you want to do if he confesses. Any plans?

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 20:53

I've got the next text ready 'I know you're deceiving me'

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 08/08/2017 20:53

A message being delivered doesn't mean he has opened the text message and read it, for whatever comfort that is x

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