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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
KeepCalm · 08/08/2017 19:33

I wouldn't say anything, just a pic of the condom receipt should do the trick.

I don't know whether I'd be incandescent with rage OR insulted at how sloppy a cheat he is......

Do you have any idea who the OW is?

MrsMamaG2016 · 08/08/2017 19:33

I agree with @anon97528996 xx

HopefulHamster · 08/08/2017 19:34

I'm sorry OP. I think I would just want it all over with at this point. You could text him now and see if it makes him break away from the film! Of course he may have the phone off now.

IndieTara · 08/08/2017 19:37

F

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:37

I suspect it's a work colleague, I want him to know while he's with her. Whatever his actions are after he knows I know will define the rest of our lives.

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:39

I'm going to lay out the condoms and print off m photos and lay them out in the kitchen, along with the new shirts that arrived today.

OP posts:
H0p3 · 08/08/2017 19:40

Sending you lots of unmumsnetty hugs and strength tonight world. You've got this.

Debswilltravel · 08/08/2017 19:41

OP I've just read the entire thread and my stomach is churning for you. Eight years ago my DH did the same to me. We'd been together for almost 20 years and he suddenly turned into someone I didn't know - a complete stranger.

For three months I kept asking him what the matter was (an affair didn't even enter my head at first. I thought he was ill). Eventually it all came out. Sadly due to reasons beyond my control, both my children were witness to the confrontation - something which I will regret to my dying day.

I really feel for you and hope you have support IRL as well as on here tonight.

Flowers
Bonez · 08/08/2017 19:42
Flowers
anon97528996 · 08/08/2017 19:42

I wouldn't show him all, or even any of your evidence! That just tells him what he can still hide or lie about.

chunke · 08/08/2017 19:43

I hope it goes well but I think you might want to not allow him to make up a story even if it's to limit the damage by now i.e. He says it was just this once and nothing even happened blah blah.

C0untDucku1a · 08/08/2017 19:43

world are you planning on continuing the marriage if he realises it is you he wants?

debbs77 · 08/08/2017 19:43

No definitely don't show your evidence! Just him knowing you know is enough

orangesinpyjamas · 08/08/2017 19:51

Yes don't lay out the evidence. You want to ensure you are the one in full control. Don't let him see you weak. I would calmly send a text saying 'I know' and see what he says.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:53

Ok, I'll keep all the evidence, the condoms, etc.

Debs, I'm sorry to hear that about your kids. My DD has gone to her BFs house for the night so she won't hear any row if there is one.

OP posts:
lou1221 · 08/08/2017 19:56

Good luck, I agree with Oranges, nice and simple. xx

user1471729756 · 08/08/2017 19:56

What photos do u have xx

CremeFresh · 08/08/2017 19:57

The best thing is to just say 'I know' then stay silent , he'll be shitting himself because he won't know what to confess to and what to stay Schtum about.

MeUnreasonableOrHim · 08/08/2017 20:00

I'm sorry OP Wine

I really think you need to stop with the texts, evidence, calling on his friend for support (BM). In the nicest possible way, you're dramatising and it isn't going to help your case.

Don't text him, confront him when he gets home, tell him he's sleeping downstairs/away from you and that you'll talk when he is able to tell you the truth. Then walk away. If he's not full of regret and fighting for you by the morning then it's over. If it was me I'd have called time already but I do appreciate how awful it all must be.

Please stop looking for the big climax in all of this, it won't happen and catching him out or having a huge row about it all will only make things worse. You are the victim in all of this but he's not going to have the huge breakdown and huge apologies that you want - and if he does then it still doesn't make it all go away.

Divorce him.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 20:03

Photos - of my screenshots, receipts, etc

OP posts:
Whoknows11 · 08/08/2017 20:05

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do as it's not us that's in your situation. Do what you feel is right and you need to do. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You're here getting lots of opinions and support which I'm sure is helping. Glad your daughter isn't in when he gets home!x

Thebluedog · 08/08/2017 20:08

Just do what makes you feel better..

My ex did something similar, lied where he was, I simply sent him a text asking him how 'how was the Silence of the Lambs - was it any good' he was supposed to be at work.. the shit really hit the fan then

Good luck Op Flowers

Fluerdelea · 08/08/2017 20:11

If DD is out tonight confront him calmly. He will deny then when you reveal the evidence he will go into damage limitation. It will take days even weeks for the full reveal from him. You will be on a rollercoaster with your emotions you will be strong then emotional then downright rock bottom but throughout try and keep angry at him. Mumsnetters are here to support you...we've been there and know what you are going through big hugs xxx Just watched Eastenders do very true the storyline tonight I can relate to it all

Pinkknickers · 08/08/2017 20:11

I agree, a short and sharp 'I know...' will be enough to have him shitting his cheating pants. He won't know exactly how much you know and what evidence you have. Good luck OP, we are all here with you x

CremeFresh · 08/08/2017 20:11

When I confronted my ex I had planned it all out in my head, what I'd say , what he'd say , what I'd do ( big gesture of ripping up a wedding photo). It didn't go at all how I'd planned and I felt cheated (again) that I was unable to have my 'big moment'. So I'd suggest op that it's really best to keep it very very simple. Sometimes less is more Flowers