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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 08/08/2017 19:02

That's a clever idea .

Fluerdelea · 08/08/2017 19:02

Please please please dont send anymore text. You must gather your evidence you must be 100% sure otherwise he will wriggle pig of it and use the script....do you know about the Mumsnet Script....someone may link it for you. It took me a week to gather my evidence and boy glad I did as when I did the big reveal he tried to wriggle out of it but couldnt when I said I had it all. One bit of advice never ever under estimate what he is capable of. You think that they would never ever do anything like this to you...you think you know them.

FidgetWidget · 08/08/2017 19:02

No, do that when he gets home otherwise he has an hour commute to come up with some plausible excuse.

PearlyPinkNails · 08/08/2017 19:03

"Hey Stud. Hope the film was good. Don't come home. You'll never be coming home again. Love x"

Zoflorabore · 08/08/2017 19:04

I dont know how you have not sent it! I admire your strength op.

Do not believe any crap he comes out with.

See if he looks you in the eye.

Watch his body language.

She may not even be "available" and he will end up with nobody, that's what he deserves.
Good luck Flowers

lou1221 · 08/08/2017 19:05

Are you going to the cinema at the end of film, not necessarily to confront, but for you to ultimately know. He could try to squirm his way out, with excuses. Although, in saying that, he seems to be wanting to get found out.
:( xx Flowers

Funko · 08/08/2017 19:09

My two penneth for what it's worth. Send the text if you must. I actually think it's a good idea.

He will lie, love bomb, minimise, profess undying love, blame you etc. I can assure you. Doesn't matter in what order or when. Try not to be shocked or hurt by the words (yes I realise that is wayyy easier said than done).

So my advice, when he does come home or when he phones or whatever, don't tell him just yet what you know or the evidence you have.

Grey rock. He will panic wondering what you're you've found out. If you reveal everything too soon he will make up convenient bullshit to explain everything away. If you don't reveal he will likely hang himself with more information you don't even know.

Calm, emotionless, strong, steady as much as you can.

And protect your daughter. She doesn't need to know any more or be expected to take sides. When you are feeling a little calmer tell her that it has nothing at all to do with her relationship with her father and you support her to continue to have a healthy relationship with him.

Good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Mustang27 · 08/08/2017 19:10

I'm with you Lou I'd have been there just too see with my own eyes!!! Not to confront though not worth it.

Funko · 08/08/2017 19:10

Oh and a cheery 'good film?' Should be enough to get the bullshit flowing...

rainbowlou · 08/08/2017 19:10

I wish I'd had your strength and patience! I went in all guns blazing, messaged her and him immediately calling them every name under the sun and giving them time to make up some bs.
Made myself feel like a right twat once I calmed down Blush
Good luck with everything, you've got this Flowers

Mumek · 08/08/2017 19:10

I would send the texts as he puts his key in the door - he then doesn't have time to get his story together. For what it's worth I don't think he has a clue you're on to him.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:11

I have enough evidence, he can't hide anything, I have photos of EVERYTHING he tried to hide, he won't be able to explain the condoms, the receipt/cc card statements for stuff we have no reason to be buying, condoms (I kept the actual receipt) bought on the same day as booking an apartment when he said he had a work thing on, same day as buying cufflinks and and a print he's not shown me, flights from Luton airport, he can't do a surprise thing as he'd need to check dates with me, we've got dogs, daughter, we can't just disappear for a weekend.

OP posts:
Huffletuff · 08/08/2017 19:11

I'm confused. I can't find anything about the cinema. Is he there with her? Is this definite?

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:15

Funko, brilliant, thank you. That's pretty much what have lined up; my emotions and feeling of betrayal. I do say I know they've been messaging all (the bloody) time. I even woke up to his phone light and he toddled off into the bathroom. It was 1am! I've not mentioned condoms, apartment, etc.

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:18

There's a payment on the cc, I'm watching the account online, its for a little cinema in London. I phoned (wife checking husband had booked a film for us tonight) and they confirmed he had bought two tickets

OP posts:
KickthewallonSalthillprom · 08/08/2017 19:21

Your restraint so far World is awesome.
Do you plan to see it through tonight?

butternutsquashtime · 08/08/2017 19:21

You need to get down to that cinema and see it with your own eyes.

You don't need to confront or challenge just see it.

He won't be able to get out of it when you tell him you've seen it.

Don't send any texts. Just get down there.

TopangaD · 08/08/2017 19:22

You have got everything just confront him!

LEMtheoriginal · 08/08/2017 19:22

Don't send any more texts you are allowing him to get his ducks in a row - he might even stay with the other woman overnight and that will fuck with his head.

In your position I would either be waiting outside the cinema or wait it out at home.

You don't want him and the ow hatching a plan to wriggle out of it. Assuming that she is even aware that she is in fact an OW. Dates and visits to museums are not the territory if illicit affairs so there's a good chance he's spinning her a line

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:24

God, it could be a long night, I'd rather go to bed and deal with it in the morning tbh! But I'd think he'll want to talk when he gets in, if he gets in. Of course, his car is at the station and it's ticket will expire and we'd then have a fine

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 08/08/2017 19:24

You could just send him a simple text 'I know everything, don't bother coming home ' .

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:26

LEM, if that's how he wants to play it then so be it, he's chosen divorce, I can't force his hand if he doesn't want to, I need to know either way. He'll know how I feel and if he's that callous he won't give a shit; that's not a man I want in my life!

OP posts:
KeepCalm · 08/08/2017 19:27

Oh @worldupsidedown wishing you patience and strength Flowers

jd88123 · 08/08/2017 19:27

Stay strong op. I feel for your situation. You will get over it in time.

QuitMoaning · 08/08/2017 19:29

I agree with people. Don't let him suspect you know anything too early or he will be able to construct a story.

Wait until,he is at the door and then confront him (by text if you are uncomfortable saying it). Either way you need to see his reaction to your 'suspicions'. It will tell you the truth. Not what he says.