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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 08/08/2017 18:37

I would just come out with it, you've got enough evidence and holding off is just prolonging the agony for you Flowers

Whisky2014 · 08/08/2017 18:37

The I think id just stop the games. Show him the online banking and ask him to explain the transactions. No point delaying the end now, Is there?

Also, re. Your solicitor wondering if he will be regretful and want to make it work...well, what do YOU want? Would you want to stay with him knowing what he is capable of?

Whisky2014 · 08/08/2017 18:38

Just ask him for a review of the film.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:38

Yes, it's what I sent him, he can read that in two ways

OP posts:
anon97528996 · 08/08/2017 18:39

You've got this. By texting him you get to say exactly what you want, without his interruptions, excuses and lies. Send it all, fuck up his date, switch your phone off and do something nice for yourself. It's your turn to be in control now.

Hurraahhnaptime · 08/08/2017 18:41

You need your own counsellor. It isn't appropriate or fair to see your daughter's counsellor. If the counsellor is professional she would not take on such close family members. You are relying too much on your daughter and getting her too involved. She is still a child really. Please deal with this yourself and find support in friends.

roselondoner · 08/08/2017 18:42

I would send the texts at 20:40. Send them all and then have a glass of something and try to calm yourself. Good luck op Flowers

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:42

The film is 'The Big Sick' can you believe that?!

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 08/08/2017 18:45

What did you send him?

user1471729756 · 08/08/2017 18:45

Wait to c if he replies xx

BewareOfDragons · 08/08/2017 18:46

:(

Good luck tonight, OP. You deserve better. Please remember that while you take him on.

Mustang27 · 08/08/2017 18:46

I'd send all the texts now unless he has his read receipts on you won't know if he has got them until you get a reply just send.

You could also tell him there is an emergency at home and you need him there asap!!! Then just confront him face to face

Hurraahhnaptime · 08/08/2017 18:46

I hope it goes well confronting him with his affair. Good luck

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:48

No, I'm going to wait now, see if he replies after the show and take it from there or I might wait until about 9

OP posts:
Whoknows11 · 08/08/2017 18:49

We are all behind you OP x

TopangaD · 08/08/2017 18:49

Op I have been following your thread and haven't posted until now but want to just warn and arm you that playing games will get you no where.. you have evidence. You have due cause to confront him but I understand why you don't want to say things in person. I am had solicitor gave you the outside eye to edit your message. If you are going to send it .. just do it.. but the more time you give him in advance he will have a story prepared. I'd let him 'enjoy' his evening and send it when train almost in if you can wait that long. From here everything changes and hold on to the good advice given here by so many posters. Be ready for 'the script' denial.. total denial even with evidence.. then the blame on you, then the guilt trip. Prepare your self mentally.. no matter what an inperson confrontation about these issues has to happen. It won't end there and will be on going. Remain calm in the face of this and step back / away when you need to.
I had no warning and wish I had..
you do.. be armed and strong and love the grey rock analogy..
grey rock..
Your walls have already crashed down.. you have had the panic and fear he has not.. he will panic in the face of it.. expect everything.. you are strong and worth more than this.. your world will change, be the one to turn it..

debbs77 · 08/08/2017 18:51

Good luck OP XXX

CremeFresh · 08/08/2017 18:52

Are you hoping to spoil his evening? I can certainly understand if you do. The thing is though , you can't be sure what he's doing or at what time so you can only guess what time sending the texts will have the most impact.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:52

Or I could be really childish and send text after text of sick emoji 🤢so when he turns his phone on it goes ballistic

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:54

I know he's there, the film started at 6:20, finishes 20:35.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 08/08/2017 18:55

You're the one living this , do whatever you feel is best for you X

Whoknows11 · 08/08/2017 18:58

Is his phone off?

FidgetWidget · 08/08/2017 18:58

Just an idea, consider sending the following text: I'm Feeling a Big Sick....
He'll do a double take and maybe think the Big is a typo for Bit.
When he gets home you can ask about the film and take it from there.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:59

I'd bet his phone is off while the film is on, he always reminds me after I've already done mineHmm

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 19:01

Fidget I was thinking something similar but then following with my next text, that I know he's with another woman and deceiving me.

OP posts:
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