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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 08/08/2017 15:34

In all fairness the Op writes well and it does have a "story" type feel to it. That doesn't mean it isn't true.

SymphonyofShadows · 08/08/2017 15:36

I am not sure about this, it seems to me that he is hoping to maintain the status quo at home and have the cheap thrill on the side rather than deliberately making it obvious. Surely if he was going to leave then he would be moving money etc? That doesn't seem to be happening.

OP fwiw I once confided in a partner's mate and got stonewalled. It turned out the my suspicions were correct but at the time he wasn't having any of it. He didn't know but I got the feeling that if he had then his loyalty would be to my exP. it's tempting to drag other people in but their agenda is never the same as yours.

Bathsheba1878 · 08/08/2017 15:59

To be honest I think they are so absorbed in the thrill of the affair they are incapable of thinking logically or consistently. That's what is so confusing when you're trying to get to the truth - some things point to an affair and others seem to confirm that they are the loving partner you've always believed them to be. We were trying for a second child at the time of my ex's affair (he was every bit as keen as me) but I subsequently found out that he had the house valued by an estate agent whilst I was away one weekend and had consulted a solicitor about whether he could prevent me moving away back to the North with DS in the event of a split. It is a waste of time and energy to try to work out DH's thought processes - far better to concentrate on your own wellbeing and that of DD.

Thebluedog · 08/08/2017 16:25

I understand your need to have irrefutable proof, I was the same in your position.

Firstly I'd get all the finances and documents together then, I'd go to the cinema, if you do see him which OW. Ask him his whereabouts the following day, if he doesn't mention the cinema I'd give him all the evidence then ask him to leave. You have enough proof without the cinema but that will give you what you need.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2017 16:27

Hope all goes well today with the solicitor and you get the information you need.

I'm going to beat my drum (again) for remaining quiet as a mouse. Don't confront or 'drop hints'. No ambiguous texts messages or 'I'm so worried, darling'. You don't want to put him on alert. Not 'alert' to hide his affair, that horse has bolted. No, now it's all about not alerting him to what you know and thereby alert him to a possible separation/divorce. That will set him scurrying to cover his trail, hide assets and documents, block your access to online information, and to seeking legal counsel of his own before you are ready to move forward.

I understand the desire to want to make him sweat and feel nervous. After all, you've been feeling horrible since your discovery. But it defeats the purpose of putting yourself a the better position when it comes to your future. The element of surprise should never, ever be underestimated.

Overtiredbackagain · 08/08/2017 16:33

Hope all goes well with solicitor today. Keep talking to us, you can't go through this alone x

lou1221 · 08/08/2017 17:21

I hope it went well at the solicitors. Please do not involve his bm. I would happen to pop by and hide in my car near the cinema, you may find out who the ow is. My mum went through this 3 times with my dad. He had an affair when she was pg with me, I caught him sneaking off to call someone when i was about 10, then later on when I was in my late teens, he met someone when on business trip. She finally kicked him out, for him to worm his way back in 6 months later. completely fucked with our heads. He screwed our lives up, just thinking about what he wanted to do. Mum died 5 years ago, within 2 months he had two women on the go!

FrogsSitonLogs · 08/08/2017 17:31

Don't tell the BM, he probably knows already and will give your DH the heads up. Just tell your DH you know.

MarciaBlaine · 08/08/2017 17:41

Still reading the thread, but what is a Trello board, and why might you need one?

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:20

Ok, my visit to the solicitor, she's lovely and has personal experience of divorce, so fully appreciates it from both angles.

She didn't tell me much I didn't already know, aside that any spilt, if it comes to that, will be more in my favour as there is my daughter too. She says we should talk it out first, see if this is all just a massive cock up on his part and if he's prepared to be remorseful and put it behind us.

In terms of accounts there is no point moving money, cancelling cards, etc, it can all be traced and doesn't look too good if one party is deliberately trying to do that, if he took a big chunk out, he'd still have to pay it back. I want to do be accused of money grabbing, etc. either.

I basically need to be calm, stay strong, not lock him out, change locks, it is still his home too. Unless he became violent of course then its call the police.

She read my long text (saved in notes so I don't accidentally send it) him and said 'off the record' I should be careful what I say to him, avoid saying anything he can show to someone else or MB where he could say, 'there you are, that's what she's like' but to save everything I have written as it's cathartic.

So I've been re-writing it taken out the anger, C words F words, etc. Just saying that I know what he's seeing her, not stated exactly what/how I found, how I feel, the hurt, pain, etc, the effect on our DD. Everything we've worked together for, etc etc. I'm probably going to end it to let him know he has the spare room if he decides to come home tonight and if he chooses not to then he's no longer wants to be any part of our family.

I phoned the cinema, it's charity run, so small. I asked if he had made a booking and the time of the show. It's 6:20, so he'll be there now. Maybe dinner after, to be home 1030/1100, it's about 50 mins on the train, 10 in the car.

So now I just need to decide the best moment to start sending texts...

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:23

I feel sick

OP posts:
iMatter · 08/08/2017 18:25

Don't send any texts.

Wait for him to come home and Talk To Him.

Only then can you make a start on the next step.

MrsMozart · 08/08/2017 18:25

Oh bloody hell lass. I'm so very sorry.

sourgrapes28 · 08/08/2017 18:27

No point hanging about, if you're sure this is what you want to do then I would just sent the texts now. Sorry you're having to go through all this op Flowers

Mustang27 · 08/08/2017 18:27

A Trello board is an app that you make a lists on its slightly more complicated than that but that's the jist of it.

Oh god I really wish you had found out who the ow was it would kill me not to know.

Good luck tonight with the texts

Painfulpain · 08/08/2017 18:27

She says we should talk it out first, see if this is all just a massive cock up on his part and if he's prepared to be remorseful and put it behind us

She said WHAT?? See if HE is prepared to put it behind you???

Fairenuff · 08/08/2017 18:28

She doesn't sound like SHL (shit hot lawyer). I'd look for another one.

Whoknows11 · 08/08/2017 18:30

Oh OP we are here for you. I've been reading the posts for the last 48 hours and been gripped. Very similar happened to me 2 years ago. Just be strong which you clearly are already and good luck. You deserve better x

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:30

That's my words not hers, you know what I mean. I'm going to send the texts so he can read what I will probably be too upset to say. I'm hopeless at arguments, I just clam up and my head spins

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:31

Ok, 1 down, simple, 'I love you, you REALLY are ok aren't you? x

Should I wait reply or continue?

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 08/08/2017 18:33

I know what you mean about needing to write things down.

MrsMozart · 08/08/2017 18:34

Is that one you sent to him?

Mustang27 · 08/08/2017 18:35

If he is in the cinema won't his phone be stuck on theatre mode?

Swizzlegiggle · 08/08/2017 18:36

Good luck OP. You are so strong Flowers

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 18:37

Show ends at 20:35, I could leave it at that till then or wait till the sow ends. I think they have enough time for dinner after, so he may have turned off his phone until the end of the film, in which case he may then reply and I can continue, maybe wait until he's ordered dinner?

OP posts: