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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
mickyblueyes · 08/08/2017 10:53

My advice as with others is not to get the Best Friend involved. When i exposed my ex's affair they swore blind that only one person knew of the affair. A few months later i found out that there were many more people who knew, including people who took my side in the aftermath and kept it from me that they knew what my ex was up to. You thought you knew who your husband was, don't make the same mistake in confiding with his best mate.

These situations are horrible, the majority of people don't want to get involved and its all a bit sad.

Speak to your solicitor, take her advice.

Mustang27 · 08/08/2017 10:53

If its someone she knows and trusts how is that a big deal. Lots of families share a GP it really is no different.

iMatter · 08/08/2017 11:08

OP - from reading your posts I think you are in denial.

He is having an affair and it looks to me like you are hoping for confirmation that he isn't and it's all been a terrible misunderstanding.

Please don't plan a big reveal. That's just weird.

Try to keep your daughter out of this. Don't make her choose.

Talk to him, tell him you know and then decide what you want to do.

Good luck.

Raindancer411 · 08/08/2017 11:08

If it was me, I would hang around at a safe unseen distance from the cinema to see if it's just him, but not approach. If he is with someone then after the advice of solicitor, I would approach him sooner than later. You are just torturing yourself and it does seem you have a lot of proof. Seeing if he is with someone at cinema, would be the cherry on the icing

Raindancer411 · 08/08/2017 11:09

As in approach him at home with you think he is having an affair, not on the street I meant

Fairenuff · 08/08/2017 11:11

OP I think you are behaving just as oddly as him. If he wasn't cheating, wouldn't you and he discuss the sailing trip so that you know where he is going, who with and when he will be back? Surely that's just normal couple behaviour?

Likewise going to Paris. A partner would want to know the dates and where they were staying. Maybe even try to arrange to go together so that you can have your evenings together in Paris after he finishes work.

You're not doing any of that. You're sneaking around the same as he is and trying to get others on your side as if it's all a game to you. I feel for your poor daughter. She should not be involved in this at all.

snoopypoodle · 08/08/2017 11:15

I'm with Rain.

I would probably stay a safe distance to see if they come out together, maybe snap a few pics for proof if that's possible. But in the event you spot them I probably wouldn't confront there and then as to not look like the crazy jealous wife.

I would gather all of my evidence, back up all the documents, statements etc and confront him in a cold calm manner. Have a list of questions you want to ask as to not get off track, ask him for his phone there and then, don't give him a chance to go away and delete messages. And don't speak much, let him squirm and see what he says.

I wouldn't text him when he's away as that would just give him breathing space and time to get his "story" together.

user1498556293 · 08/08/2017 11:15

Ill be honest, I really don't understand why you aren't confronting him already. I would be but that's just me.

I agree that it does look like you are hoping to find some sort of acceptable explanation for all of this. It's not wrong if you to think this as we all would do the same.

However I think you need to open your eyes and realise this isn't going to happen.

He is having an affair. End of.

I don't agree with your daughter knowing about this either to be honest.

I think if it were me, I'd just be doing things well and truly different. If it were me, it would be out in the open by now instead of putting myself through this torture that you are doing.

Just be brave, be strong, stand up for yourself and get all this out in the open

snoopypoodle · 08/08/2017 11:16

And don't get your daughter involved .

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 08/08/2017 11:19

Could the letters he wrote down be a security code for the apartment he hired? My garage/office room has key pad with both numbers and alphabet (on the same keys, like old mobile phones) for access).

user1498556293 · 08/08/2017 11:19

I'm with fairenuff - me and my dp know each other inside out. He knows where I am, I know where he is. What my plans are/what his plans are. And that's the way we like it. He would never book a trip to Paris and not tell me about it. He won't even go to ASDA without telling me he's going.

I realise all relationships aren't like ours, people like their own independence. However as I've been reading this, I feel like there is too much independence in this relationship.

I'm sorry as I'm not wording this very well. I hope what I'm saying makes sense

Mumek · 08/08/2017 11:27

Don't email him with questions - it gives him a chance to delete/hide stuff or get his story sorted. Ask him everything face to face - you will know from his reaction whether he is lying or truthful. Please do not confide in any of his friends. I wish you the best of luck - really don't know how you've managed to hold it together so far.

LEMtheoriginal · 08/08/2017 11:37

Why are you Allowing your 15yo dd to stay at her Bf ? He wants to keep her safe? She is already having counselling and you dump this on her??

Fuck me OP -Philip Larkin wasn't wrong!!Hmm

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 12:12

OP, one thing that really helped me gather my thoughts was a telephone Relate counselling session (and I wouldn't normally recommend Relate). But talking it through with a stranger was hugely helpful, and I could do it immediately.

I still have my MN threads, printed out and in my 'divorce' folder. I wrote everything down, because I knew he would bamboozle me and tell me I was wrong. Years of gaslighting left me confused.

It was very helpful when I had my first solicitor appointment and I could take a timeline of events.

Bathsheba1878 · 08/08/2017 12:14

I feel so sorry for you. You are in a terrible situation and whilst adrenaline is keeping you going at present it won't do so indefinitely. My ex-partner of 20+ years behaved in a very similar way to yours and even when I got incontrovertible evidence ( I ultimately resorted to recording equipment and a tracker device in his car) he still denied it and told me I was mentally ill etc. I asked him to leave and he moved straight in with OW and her daughter, where he remains to this day (very unhappily by all accounts). I so understand the need to satisfy yourself that there isn't an alternative explanation for his behaviour but I think you have sufficient evidence now. You need to take care of yourself and confront him soon whilst you are still feeling relatively strong. I confided in my ex's best friend when I had suspicions and he was lovely - knew nothing about it and was utterly horrified - but ultimately it made no difference to the outcome. Your solicitor should be able to look at this without the emotional involvement and offer you sensible advice. If you feel you don't connect with her then look elsewhere, having the right one made all the difference to me.

clickhappy · 08/08/2017 12:15

I would not confront him just yet, only because all the evidence is circumstantial......if you confront him now he could just say that Paris is a surprise trip for your bday. The fact he is so blatant about it all suggests he may want you find out, he's just being a coward.
I would go yo the cinema and get some proof, everything else can be explained away at the moment and you can be accused of being unreasonable. I'm really sorry that you are going through this x

clickhappy · 08/08/2017 12:42

Sorry Op, I forgot about the condoms. That would be enough evidence for me, although maybe not concrete enough. I'd still go to the cinema but not tell BM.

user1499333856 · 08/08/2017 13:27

Great advice @FoxyinherRoxy !

NashvilleQueen · 08/08/2017 13:27

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PoppyJ1 · 08/08/2017 14:01

OP, please stop torturing yourself with all the details and rumination a about what to do. He would need nothing short of a miraculous excuse to redeem himself from this and until then you need to address the fact that he is betraying you. It's a horrible, unfair situation and you don't deserve it. But you have evidence and now you need to confront him and get yourself out the situation.

lazycrazyhazy · 08/08/2017 14:37

Just wanted to wish you well at the solicitor. Thinking of you this afternoon. Protect yourself and your DD from painful situations and scenes and get those financial ducks sorted. Solicitor is the best person to advise you about when to produce your evidence.

MrsMamaG2016 · 08/08/2017 14:37

Good luck today OP xx

XJerseyGirlX · 08/08/2017 15:01

Good luck Op. I would have cracked by now and come out with it and just told him that i knew everything as someone had grassed him up and he has one chance to tell before i kick his sorry ass out. But everyone has their own way .. Hope your ok x

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/08/2017 15:11

I'm sorry but this reads like a bad novel.

and your point is?

If you dont believe the OP then report and leave the thread.

Sometimes life is like that. Sometimes stuff happens that leaves you thinking "Jeez even Eastenders would reject this story as too unbelievable".

And if you really were sorry then you wouldnt have posted that would you?

Bathsheba1878 · 08/08/2017 15:23

I agree - the fact that there may be some resemblance to a fictional story is totally irrelevant and doesn't give anyone the right to suggest this isn't a genuine situation. My ex also left masses of evidence that he was having an affair because he was arrogant enough to think I would never question him and never check that he was where he said he was. It was a strategy that worked for years because I trusted him implicitly and regarded him as my best friend. When I did start looking for evidence I found plenty of it just stuffed in unlocked desk drawers, in his e-mail account on our shared computer and in his wallet.