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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Imbeingunreasonable · 08/08/2017 09:27

Cherylvole I understand you're cynical and all about this thread but please try have some compassion for what the OP is dealing with. Your comments are beginning to grate. If you think the thread is a hoax report it.

Bigbertha123 · 08/08/2017 09:30

I am heartbroken for you and I really can't imagine what you are going through. But I can't help but have concerns regarding your daughter. She is only 15 and you seem to be very happy with her BF, making statements like "he's a keeper". And saying she stays over at his house and can when he's on holiday. Is he much older than her? Does he have his own place? I would be really uncomfortable letting my 15yo stay over with her BF and be so approving of it.

If this horrible situation has taught you anything maybe it's to encourage your DD to be independent without the need for a BF. You thought DH was a keeper and he has treated you like this, maybe your DD shouldn't be looking for a "keeper" at 15y.

Having said all that I have been with my DH since I was 15, but I'd just be careful when so young and going through something so difficult.

thatdearoctopus · 08/08/2017 09:30

Pity he used as his excuse for being late something that had just been widely dismissed as a non-event on all the national news channels.

Flimp · 08/08/2017 09:30

Don't play games OP. You don't need a dramatic Big Reveal. Sad

See your solicitor, get your ducks in a row and get him out.

OSETmum · 08/08/2017 09:35

I'd wait til he gets to his mini break then cancel all his cards. See how interested the OW is when she realises she has to pay for everything!

Mustang27 · 08/08/2017 09:39

I'd maybe go to the cinema and see if I could see them by myself. You don't have to confront them just take some pics and see if you know the ow. Not that it really makes a difference if you do.

Don't confide in your husbands bm even if he doesn't condone he may tell him you know and where does that leave you?

PipGirl404 · 08/08/2017 09:40

Why bother playing games? Sorry but nothing about this is adult behaviour?!
Why all the drama? Why does there have to be some kind of big reveal? Why are you dragging everyone and their nan into this mess? Put yourselves out of misery and just tell him you know?!

Peaches77 · 08/08/2017 09:40

This is affecting you more than you probably think. Confront him now...alone. Do you have any friends of your own you could speak too?

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 09:48

I am sorry this has happened. I actually think it's wise in these situations to wait for certainty in terms of evidence - so many women confront early, without full proof, and then get fobbed off and are left with sickening uncertainty about their partner's fidelity. But you now have more than enough evidence to have that certainty. You need to make a decision. See a solicitor. Get a clear picture of your financial situation without him. Then confront him knowing what you are walking out of, and into.

meatup · 08/08/2017 09:49

What a situation Sad

Doesntfitthemould · 08/08/2017 09:54

The other thing you need to be weary of is his mates might know OP.
Keep your cards close to your chest, stay strong and don't do anything silly in the heat of the moment.

Scrumptiousbears · 08/08/2017 09:55

I wouldn't be surprised if BM is aware of what's going on. Kept it all to yourself for now at least until you want to react.

Imbeingunreasonable · 08/08/2017 10:00

I think at this point I was just confront him OP. I understand why you feel the need to gather evidence and catch him in the act but you will drive yourself crazy trying to keep up with his every move. It may be time to air that you know and tell him he has made his choice to check out of the relationship and leave. Then separate. Just make sure you and dd are financially protected.

How has DD been with her father since you confided in her. Is she acting weird around him or is she understandably hurt and upset?

BewareOfDragons · 08/08/2017 10:01

After you see the solicitor - keep that appointment - I would find someplace to keep an eye on the cinema tonight. See who he's with.

Zoflorabore · 08/08/2017 10:05

If you knew any more op you could Write a book- get him out of your life, he's a pig

Maelstrop · 08/08/2017 10:09

I would absolutely go to the cinema and wait right outside the doors to the relevant screen for him and whoever to come out. I see no need to involve his best mate. Surely you have enough proof now to confront him-apartment rent, plane booking for two etc. Why prolong the agony?

user1485639128 · 08/08/2017 10:28

Please don't involve his best friend. Whether he approves or not of that sort of behaviour a true friend would give him the heads up.

Just confront him

Cantdenyit · 08/08/2017 10:29

Not relevant probably but how old is this boyfriend of your 15 year old daughter? He is sounding like an adult man that is supporting you both.

SparklyMagpie · 08/08/2017 10:29

Why are you doing this to yourself?! What more do you need to see?!

Zoflorabore · 08/08/2017 10:32

I agree that best friend is very likely to know

Paperdoll16 · 08/08/2017 10:35

Op, you're doing remarkably well.

You haven't said your DD's BF is supporting you- just that she's told him. Many many people will criticise your actions but they aren't living with what you're going through right now and it's very easy to sit back and say you're playing games etc..

Too many people confront early and never really know the truth. You do have enough evidence now though, even though he could conjure up some rubbish as to what the flights are for (as he's now mentioned the Paris trip etc) so I can see why you're holding back still... and perhaps there is an element of confronting means that this is the end. And you know that, and it isn't what you wanted.
Flowers

shoeaddict83 · 08/08/2017 10:36

DONT involve the BM!! Regardless of what you think he likely knows and if not would still tip off DH. Hes HIS best man and loyalty will lie with him.
I had same situation with my ex fiancee, turned to mutual friend i thought would be on my side and turned out she knew all along but didnt feel as 'close' to me as my ex so didnt tell me. And in hindsight i wouldn't have believed her anyway at the time so could understand where she came from in her loyalty to him who she had known before she knew me. We are now great friends, what happened happened and she isnt to blame. But my point is you clearly dont know your DH as well as you think - so why on earth do you think you know the BM too and what he will say/react?
You have enough evidence to confront, stop involving everyone else before this spirals out of your control. Honestly i sympathise, ive been there and its heartbreaking but making more people aware isn't the way to go.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 10:38

I'm trying to think the best solution,you're right, it's tearing me apart, I have so much going around in my head and I don't know now if I can wait for this weekend (birthday present) or next 'sailing trip', I just thought I might email him and ask if it's about sailing weekend and details. Also just considering if to make an appointment with DDs Councellor for myself Confused. My solicitor appt is at 3, can't come soon enough but I think everything hinges on what she tells me. Going to check all our bank accounts,

OP posts:
user1471729756 · 08/08/2017 10:42

If it was me I would be following him and getting photos and then when he gets home I would confront him and show him the evidence which he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of. Then I would leave him and move on. See why the solicitor says first and then get ur evidence together so ur 100% sure what he's doing and who with and then confront him . I wouldn't involve anyone els as they probably wouldn't want to be involved. Xxx

KungFuEric · 08/08/2017 10:50

Your 15 year old daughters counsellor? Dear me.

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