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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
ChristopherWren · 08/08/2017 08:46

I don't think you should involve his best mate in this. Nor your daughter, nor her boyfriend. Either confront him or get some more evidence and then confront him. Take a friend to the cinema with you or go on your own. Don't take his friend - that really doesn't seem a good option to me.

LarderWoman · 08/08/2017 08:48

Agree with PP, don’t involve his friend, if he’s any kind of
friend at all his first loyalty will be to your H not you.

Fitzsimmons · 08/08/2017 08:52

OP I have followed this thread from the start and although I thought initially you should wait to get everything in order I do now think you need to confront him for the sake of your mental health. It's not healthy to have this festering away under the surface and the sooner it is all out in the open then the sooner you will be able to start moving on and making plans for your next steps Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2017 08:55

Unfortunately OP he's not thinking with his head.
He's thinking with his dick and his ego.

Good idea to go to the cinema.
That would bring it to head a lot quicker though.
Is that what you want?
You may want to bide your time and get all the legalities sorted out first.
I'd be very tempted though!

I think he wants to be found out.
He's hardly being discreet now is he?

ElspethFlashman · 08/08/2017 08:59

OP you're starting to spiral.

Bring his best friend to some random cinema? What if your OH isn't there? What if you miss them? You'll look like a crazy person.

And why the hell would the best mate even want to be involved in your schemes?

hatsoncats · 08/08/2017 09:00

Don't tell anyone. They'll tip him off. Or tell someone ELSE who tips him off. Good luck at the solicitors.

Just keep making your plans, securing your finances, hiding anything valuable, storing the paperwork. Wait until he goes, then act.
Cool, calm, ruthlessly efficient. That's you from now on.

user1471729756 · 08/08/2017 09:00

Agree with the friend thing I wouldn't tell him, he's probably more likely to tell ur husband that you know etc xx

helpme85 · 08/08/2017 09:01

OP this must be so impossible for you. I'm so so so sorry to hear this.

Please don't involve your daughter. My mum involved me in a lot of conflict her and my father had. It really tore me apart. I was a young teen and adored my father.

Also don't tell his BF. It's his BF not yours.

You must feel incredibly alone: but this for now you have to do on your own.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 09:01

He hasn't seen his friend for a while, and I know this freind really well and he wouldn't be happy with DHs behaviour. Same goes for his other mates. We've all known each other for 25 years, I'm quite sure they would all support me with his despicable behaviour, so why can't I turn to BM for support now? The cinema thing is just a knee jerk idea, I don't know if I could go through with it tbh. But maybe arrange for BM to stay over at ours for support/mediation on whatever day/night I send DH my text to tell him not to come back

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 09:04

BM is also DDs guardian and named on our wills as one of the people she would go to if anything happened to DH and me.

OP posts:
PeanutButterLips · 08/08/2017 09:05

I don't know how you can act so loving towards this man that is cheating on you and blatantly as well.
You've found numerous things that show he's unfaithful but you're not confronting him? Why? What else are you hoping to find?
If this was me he would be out the door by now , after two decades with this man you find out he's cheating but saying 'you love him' in a text.
OP grow balls and confront him.
It's obviously he doesn't want to be with you else he wouldn't act like such a tool, you need to nip this in the bud, who knows how long he's had the affair that you've only just found out?
He could be thinking to keep it quiet for years and what will you do? Keep quiet too?

When will this end?!

ChristopherWren · 08/08/2017 09:05

You've known your husband for 25 years and he isn't behaving how you would have expected him to so don't assume that you know how his friends would behave. I really wouldn't involve them - people don't always behave how you would expect in marriage break ups and you can't assume he will take your side. He may already know.

I really think you need to talk to your husband.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 09:06

DH just replied to my text 'I'm fine. Really. I replied 'You really don't seem to be to me, you've not been yourself at all recently. x'

OP posts:
PeanutButterLips · 08/08/2017 09:07

Do you expect him to reply 'because I'm having an affair?'
He's gonna give you a bullshit answer OP

sailorcherries · 08/08/2017 09:08

Do you not have your own friends who could stay and support you?

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 08/08/2017 09:10

Oh OP his story is full of holes - check yesterday's media reports and you will see that there was a lot of comment on how quiet Waterloo was as many people had deliberately avoided travelling to and from it in order to avoid the long-forecasted problems. I travelled from there last night and was amazed how few people were around. Likewise this morning when I came back into London to work. He's a lying cunt and a poor one at that. I'm so sorry.

ElspethFlashman · 08/08/2017 09:11

People don't want to get mixed up in this shit.

And no bloke is gonna be comfortable knowing when his best mate doesn't know he knows. He privately won't thank you for this.

Onecutefox · 08/08/2017 09:12

OP, I would rather go on my own to the cinema in case your friend would want to save your marriage and would inform your DH. Do you think it's possible or are you confident he would be on your site? Also if you involve his friend in it they will stop being friends unless he wouldn't care of course.

ElspethFlashman · 08/08/2017 09:12

Stop playing games. You're doing yourself no favours.

lazycrazyhazy · 08/08/2017 09:13

I've seen several normal people in affairs go basically insane until something brings them down with a bump. that's is usually confrontation or discovery.

I don't think you should involve his friend or anyone except your solicitor and possibly a private investigator who can get photos of them at the cinema/Waterloo/entering apartment etc.

Please protect yourself from the further unnecessary pain of seeing them together. I imagine investigators are used to taking things on at short notice. Someone here may be able to recommend one in London who could move fast. Could you hop on a train and get there to see one? The solicitor today will have advise. Hope you've researched and found someone good. Sounds like there's a largish pot so you're going to need someone wily.

Sadly there are always posters on these threads who want the vicarious thrill of a public confrontation. It would be awful for him sure but indescribably painful for you.

Look after yourself OP, is there anyone in RL you can confide in like a close personal friend of yours, someone who can be relied upon to keep schtum but to support you? Try not to lean on your DD as this is awful for her too.

KungFuEric · 08/08/2017 09:14

Yes Christopher why have you not got the logical thought to decipher that your husband isn't behaving as the man you once knew, so don't make any predictions for how his friends will respond.

I know a lot of people like to frame situations as good/bad and right or wrong, but human interactions and loyalties don't always follow those social constructs. I've known many a situation where a man has had an open affair, socialised with his friends and OW together, holidays together, meals out etc all with his friends and sometimes their partners.

Organise yourself so you don't get screwed over financially and practically, but there comes the point where you need to confront this emotionally with your husband and none else.

FoxyinherRoxy · 08/08/2017 09:19

I would wait for him to come back tonight and ask him how his date went. Tell him you know everything. It's time to draw a line.

There's really no point putting yourself through any more of this, or trying to catch him out.

I'm so sorry.

PansyParkinson · 08/08/2017 09:24

I'm sorry this is happening to you. What is it that's stopping you from confronting him about this? Do you have your own support? Your own family and friends?

CashelGirl · 08/08/2017 09:25

One of the things that you need to prepare yourself for, is that the people that love him - his daughter, his parents, his BM, will always love him. They may be disappointed in how he has behaved but they will still love him and want to be part of his life. Just see your solicitor and move this out to the open so you can start dealing with things.

RhinoGirl · 08/08/2017 09:27

Best to confront him OP. You have enough evidence and the legalities can be sorted later. You're going to make yourself ill if this carries on much longer. Have it out with him, he can't deny it anymore.