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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Cherylvole · 08/08/2017 08:05

I was at Waterloo last night. It was fine.

Cherylvole · 08/08/2017 08:07

Oh ffs op. Just tell him rather than your daughters boyfriend Hmm

C0untDucku1a · 08/08/2017 08:09

He isnt making much effort to hide this is he?

ChristopherWren · 08/08/2017 08:13

Why don't you just say that you've seen the Easyjet charge come through on the card and ask what it's for? Ask him for the booking ref and look up what it is? While his behaviour is odd, it's pretty unusual for someone having an affair to book everything on a joint card.

user1471558723 · 08/08/2017 08:16

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. With every post so far I have been hoping that there was some other innocent explanation, but his actions in this last one are so incriminating.
Make your plans, you sound like a really resourceful person.
I wish you well.

user1471729756 · 08/08/2017 08:17

Omg I feel so sorry for you what a twat he is xx

KungFuEric · 08/08/2017 08:19

Op, I really think he doesn't want to be with you and is hoping you'll find out and confront him.

That or he knows you don't care enough about him as long as you can maintain a comfortable life. Where's your hurt? This all comes across as a fun bit of detective role play for you, a bit of excitement in your life.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 08:19

Cherylvole what are you on about? my daughter told her BF what's going on. Her BF came to me to tell me she can stay anytime at his if she needs to and he wants to care for her and keep her safe.

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 08/08/2017 08:19

You really do need to confront him with this, if he thinks he is not being obvious then he is deluded.
You cannot let this go on until he just walks out.

Colourmylife1 · 08/08/2017 08:21

christopher my EXH put everything through joint credit card and bank account over a 2 year period. Hotels, gifts, theatre bookings etc. I am an normally an exceptionally financially astute woman but he banked on me never checking these accounts. I feel incredibly stupid now as you can imagine.

Bunnyfuller · 08/08/2017 08:24

I wouldn't be able to keep quiet now. Have you seen the solicitor? I think you need to get things moving now op, and confront him. I don't think you'll get that slam-dunk in the act you're waiting for, but there's enough already to see he's openly lying.

:-( shitbag

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 08/08/2017 08:29

I don't really understand why you are still looking for proof. There's nothing vague about this, he is definitely having an affair.

Just tell him you know.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 08:30

I really really don't know what he thinks he's doing. TBH this is so out of character for him, he's always held high morals. I seriously cannot believe he would want to lose his family and his home, his dog who absolutely adores him and would follow him to the end of the world. This house was one he coveted as a teen. We've recently re-written our wills, made POAs, discussed our future plans for 'retirement' our DD. He doesn't want to stay in his job for many more years, but if it all goes tits up now he will have to. Is that really what he's planning, what he wants now?

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 08/08/2017 08:31

I'm sorry OP.

I can never get over why they shag behind people's back. "If you don't want to be with me then just fuck off"

Onecutefox · 08/08/2017 08:31

He is a piece of shit. Wish you knew which cinema to go there and snap a few pictures and then kick him out.
Is there a pub near his work so you could stay there a few hours towards the end of his work and spy at him? This needs to finish as he just takes a piss at you.

KungFuEric · 08/08/2017 08:34

He can leave his marriage and not those other things, you do know that? He will still have his daughter, he will still have his dog, if he's savvy he may be able to retain the home. Or he could retire now, travel the world with some woman he's formed a relationship with, have a different lifestyle.

Basically, you've spoken a lot about lifestyle and family and all the trimmings, but there doesn't seem to be much loss between the two of you.

LarderWoman · 08/08/2017 08:36

I seriously cannot believe he would want to lose his family and his home, his dog

You’re thinking logically, OP, your DH isn’t.

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 08:38

Fuck, I do know which cinema it says on the payment! I just had an idea, I'm seeing the solicitor this afternoon. I was also considering seeing his best mate (since school) who was our best man and our DDs guardian and telling him what's going on as he knows DH so well.

Now I'm wondering maybe he and I could go to the cinema and wait for them to come out together.

OP posts:
rizlett · 08/08/2017 08:40

But he's not thinking 'straight' op - unfortunately he's caught up in a whirlwind of lust. It's only after he is caught out will he begin to think about the consequences.

Please remember too - this is nothing about you or the way you are - this is about him and being deceitful. Sadly he is not the man you thought he was.

You are handling this situation exactly right.

Joysmum · 08/08/2017 08:42

Please keep your daughter out of this. My mother involved me by telling me things. It made me very conflicted and fucked me up for quite a while. Sad

Trb17 · 08/08/2017 08:42

Is the cinema booking to the value of two people? If so I think I'd go but I'd make sure I had all my ducks in a row first with good legal advice. I may or may not confront at the cinema as unless you see them holding hands or kissing he might try to explain it away.

user1471729756 · 08/08/2017 08:44

I would definitely go n sit outside somewhere n watch them come out of the cinema maybe get photos Sony have proof xx

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 08/08/2017 08:44

You are letting too many people know.
Don't get his friend involved for all you know the friend could already know, or give him a heads up.

KungFuEric · 08/08/2017 08:44

Christ, do you really need an ensemble cast for this? Why on earth would his best mate want to play games like this in someone else's marriage?

And I have to agree, a 15 year old child doesn't particularly need an overbearing boyfriend who wants to 'keep her safe' or a mother who uses her as an emotional crutch.

user1471729756 · 08/08/2017 08:45

Sorry stupid phone *so you have proof"