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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
lazycrazyhazy · 07/08/2017 16:07

While no one can believe anything 100% I find the troll hunting here to have holes. Yes many people in London area have alarms including security cameras. Yes only one of a couple might be the one 'in charge' of that.

My own FIL hid his love letter and dirty diary (vomit) in his sock drawer under his socks! My MIL wasn't in the habit of searching through his stuff. I wouldn't dream of searching in my DH's drawers or wallet and believe him he's where he says he is. If I'd reason to be suspicious, like the OP I'd sure as hell look in those places.

Isn't it kinder to give the OP the benefit of the doubt. If true imagine how horrible to be disbelieved on top of everything.

OP you're a warrior on my eyes. I think I'd want to do the showdown in the flesh actually so he has no time to prepare.

I'd also be inclined to get a PI so that you have evidence. Most importantly as many have said get your ducks in a row financially. I know too many middle aged women who've been screwed over by XDH hiding everything then going with OW claiming nothing in bank.

MrsMamaG2016 · 07/08/2017 17:23
Flowers
SandyY2K · 07/08/2017 18:03

Everyone has a different way of dealing with these things. I like the idea of enough evidence that nobody could wriggle out of.

He'll find a way to explain the condoms and the airline tickets if you confront now.

The end is in sight and he will be blindsided. You're a very smart lady.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 07/08/2017 18:35

OP so sorry you're going through this, and I commend you for 'keeping your powder dry' as they say. You need to somehow get a hold of his phone, can you watch him enter his pin when he thinks no one can see perhaps from behind when he thinks you're in another room... or with some alcohol in him place his finger on the home button and open it that way. I know its extreme but this is how I gathered my evidence. Lock yourself in the bathroom to interrogate it in case he wakes, then replace. Get to know your way round an iphone/android if you're not familiar.

splatattack · 07/08/2017 18:58

Thinking of you...and you are so right to gather all the info you can before confronting him, I wish I had...this way he can't twist things and make you out to be the crazy one/one in the wrong!

Good luck - you are being incredibly strong..

MuvaWifey77 · 07/08/2017 19:17

Good luck OP. You are extremely strong and you're doing all the right things.

Thinking of you .

MuvaWifey77 · 07/08/2017 19:20

Ps:. There's a way to add a finger print to the iphone if he ever leaves it unlocked for a second or maybe ask to make a phone call from his phone or something like that and add your finger print to the phone so you can unlock it when he's not around. If he never lets you even make phone calls from his device or never leaves it around when he has a shower for example then it's pointless.

lionsleepstonight · 07/08/2017 19:55

As tempting as it may be, don't hide the passport, cancel the credit cards etc. If this goes to court such actions may make you look vindictive. Keep the judge on your side, remain whiter than white.

TeamCersei · 07/08/2017 20:10

Tonight, when he's on his phone, can't you ask him if you can use it quickly? (your phone's out of charge)

Surely he will let his own wife borrow his phone.

Pantryboy · 07/08/2017 20:14

You can get rid of his passport no trouble op just burn it , why not?
He won't be able to go then and serves the bgr right!

TeamCersei · 07/08/2017 20:19

Nobody is hiding any passports.
There will be complete and utter panic in his eyes when he opens his bedside drawer and his passport's gone. There will be a lot of noise while he turns the place upside down trying to find it.
In the end he will be reduced to asking the OP where it is.

OP sweetly and calmly says ''Oh yes, I meant to tell you, I ''spent the morning re organising the paperwork, and buying new files for filing important documents''
''I noticed your passport was in the drawer and I thought I'd put it somewhere safe''. It's in the new file on top of the wardrobe.''

He can never accuse her of hiding it, because as she explained to him, she was doing a bit of reorganising.

I completely agree that nothing should be damaged, or 'lost', but it won't hurt to make the cheating bastard squirm a bit in the meantime.

TeamCersei · 07/08/2017 20:20

You can get rid of his passport no trouble op just burn it , why not?

It's against the law.

LoniceraJaponica · 07/08/2017 20:20

Brlliant TeamCersei

crazykitten20 · 07/08/2017 20:22

I agree with @lionsleepstonight

Pantryboy · 07/08/2017 20:38

Oh dear is it? damn and blast I really didn't know that never mind OP you could always 'mislay' it till after the holiday.
I seriously would think about your financial position too you need half of his pension because you haven't been able to work to add to your own. What about NI contributions ? Our OAP pensions are all based on our contributions as you know I am sure .Good luck OP

Wilburissomepig · 07/08/2017 21:52

I don't think the cameras thing is odd at all. We have a few of them around the house because we're away a lot, you kind of forget they're there.

Sorry you're going through this crap OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2017 22:25

Although plans to disrupt his trip or doing something to make him 'sweat' is appealing, you'll do much better to wave him off with a smile and use his time away to get your ducks in a row and make the decisions you need to make.

Get paperwork and documents copied and/or stored securely or out of the house. Make whatever financial arrangements you need to make re separating finances, transferring balances etc. Get your legal advice and use it to make an 'action plan'. Think things through in peace and privacy.

Time enough to confront him once you know what you're going to do going forward.

Whisky2014 · 07/08/2017 22:30

I don't get the passport thing because if op moves it he will say "where is my passport? I am flying to x to meet the boat" or whatever.

sunfloweras · 07/08/2017 23:06

I think good idea to see solicitor get all your perineal finances etc together and then you can say this is all on my terms now.
Have you thought what might happen if he realises you know and turns around and actually feels relieved you know and packs his bags and is off and doesn't look back? That could happen?

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/08/2017 23:23

good idea to see solicitor get all your perineal finances etc together

Shock

Do you mean personal?! :o

Angelf1sh · 07/08/2017 23:41

Perineal finances - for when you're divorcing an arsehole 😂😂

Gimboid · 07/08/2017 23:58

Angelf1sh 😂

Onecutefox · 08/08/2017 00:14

OP, before he goes away wish him to have a brilliant time because he has been so stressed up by his job. You and your daughter are hell worried about his health. He looks so depressed that you and your daughter don't even know how to approach him. He really needs to take care of himself and try to relax a bit. That will make you look stupid but you need it to gather more evidence before you twist his tail.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/08/2017 00:30

Very good Angel! :o

worldupsidedown · 08/08/2017 07:58

I'm sitting in bed right now giving an update. He's already left for 'work'. 2-3 shirt changes before he was satisfied.

Last night he got home about usual time 8:20, the trains at Waterloo had apparently been chaos with the platform closures for the next few weeks. He said it looks like he'll have to stay on at work later to avoid it (oh how fucking convenient!). I suggested he take some time off, do that stuff needs doing in the garden or maybe work from home? Oh no! There's work to do and client meetings, can't change those! (But you can fuck off early to shag in your luxury apartment?). I have considered that DD and me could go shopping for the day, new school shoes, etc. and we could all meet for dinner and come home together, or, as we have also done before, I could come up and we could go to a show, comedy club or something?

I didn't mention that on Sunday evening, while I was prepping dinner, I was trying to make conversation with him, said, I've not been feeling too good the past few days, (if you've noticed I've been acting a bit odd my) maybe I've got a bug or something, keep feeling hot n cold, maybe I'm starting my menopause! Then I mentioned our (4) tickets have come through for Hyde Park! Hyde Park? He asks? Yes, you know the concert thing you me DD and LBF (lovely boyfriend) (who also knows and has said DD can stay at his any time, even if when he is away on holiday and he just wants to care for her and make sure she's ok) are going to. Oh when, he asks. In September. When in September? I can't remember, I've not opened the envelope yet, why. Because I've got to go to Paris. Go to Paris, at the weekend? (I can't remember him ever going on a business trip for a weekend, leave on a Sunday afternoon maybe, but not a whole weekend! So when are you going to Paris? I don't know but it's at the end of the month (better not be the same fucking weekend of my first study weekend!). Now normally I'd rush to my iPhone calendar to check dates, but this time I thought no, I'm going to leave this here for now.

So, could this be the Luton booking? Not 'till September, is the 'sailing weekend' still be happening, but not the Luton booking?

I kept checking the CC online account for updates yesterday, £300+ still pending, the apartments are £144 a night and payment is held I believe until the day of the booking.

I went off to bed last night some time before 1100, leaving him strumming his guitar interspersed with quiet moments for a bit of sexting. I sat on my side of the bed for I don't know how long with my head in my hands before I took myself into the bathroom for a shower, and more tears. I'd head him pick up his wallet from the hall, keys rattled, I'd already had a quick check again, nothing new. So when I was ready for bed I thought I'd pop downstairs again, like I was looking for something. I heard a little panicking form his corner, like he quickly stopped doing something, yes booking something online? I noticed it was nearly midnight, he's usually in bed before 11. I said do you realise it's nearly 12? He said 'I got involved in this' as in playing guitar.

I went to bed and checked the cc again. A payment had come through for a cinema in London.

He's just texted me now 'don't forget I'm out tonight. Trains on the way home might be a mess. Aiming to be home 10:30/11. We'll see' I replied 'ok, I really thing you should see if you can get some time off. You could do some of the stuff in the garden while it's still 'summer'. I'm really worried about you. I love you 😘 - no reply yet.

OP posts: