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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
bibbertybobbityboo · 07/08/2017 08:29

Are the letters he wrote the flight ref ? Ryan air s are like this
If so log on with his email and you may be able to see flight details

TimbuktuTimbuktu · 07/08/2017 08:37

Good spot Bipitybopityboo they definitely look like an airline booking reference. You don't normally need the password to access the booking. Just the ref and the surname.

GU24Mum · 07/08/2017 08:45

Really sorry you're having such a hard time. It could be that your OH is enjoying the "fun" of the fling but hasn't really thought about whether it's just fun or that he wants to set up with the other woman. At the moment he's got his friend and partner (you) still being there for him and, in his mind, nothing has changed AND also some new woman who he is messing around with. No doubt when he realises he can't have his cake and eat it, he'll feel a lot less bullish about the whole thing .......... which of course is likely to be a bit late.

worldupsidedown · 07/08/2017 08:50

This is a bit weird

acronymsmeanings.com/full-meaning-of/coaeb/coaeb-stands-for-coaeb-means

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 07/08/2017 08:50

Whilst I am sympathetic to what you're having to go through here, how did you forget you have cameras in your home.
Is this a common thing, where are they placed?

Cantdenyit · 07/08/2017 08:52

Are you filming him or watching him live on camera?

cherylvole · 07/08/2017 08:52

Was thinking the same
How handy you had them. and they work

Cantdenyit · 07/08/2017 08:53

I mean are you recording him?

KickthewallonSalthillprom · 07/08/2017 08:53

Like Fluffy, I can remember that stomach churning feeling when I went from slightly suspecting my ExH was cheating to seeing him and OW together. Boak.

I love love love it that you will cancel his cards when he's away. And texting him that when he comes home it won't be to your home.

Just a thought. Don't mention that you cancelled the cards in the text. If asked you could say the realisation of his affair only occurred to you when you noticed his passport was missing.

CremeFresh · 07/08/2017 09:00

The COAEB thing is odd , he's not joined a cult has he ?

CalmItKermitt · 07/08/2017 09:04

Wow to the cameras!

crazykitten20 · 07/08/2017 09:10

Gosh. Cameras? And he hides stuff in his wallet and bedside drawers? He must think you are very stupid. Or gullible. Or he's stupid and complacent. Patently you're not stupid.

marmaladeforme · 07/08/2017 09:15

You are doing fantastically op. I can't imagine how utterly shit this must be for you holding it all together. He is absolute bellend and you will be happy again.

thatdearoctopus · 07/08/2017 09:27

Ryanair booking references are a mixture of capital letters and numbers.

This camera ... you had it fired up and ready to record and pointing in the right direction to capture all that? That was lucky.

Cherylvole · 07/08/2017 09:27

Lol

loobylou10 · 07/08/2017 09:44

Oh dear

Flimp · 07/08/2017 09:51

You have cameras in your bedroom?? Shock

Mustang27 · 07/08/2017 10:12

Lots of people have home surveillance that's linked to an alarm system so a camera in the bedroom isn't that odd.

thatdearoctopus · 07/08/2017 10:51

And it was all going so well!

Inertia · 07/08/2017 10:57

Surely turning the cameras back on will trigger a message to your husband's phone, or whatever he used to monitor them? Or was the system connected to yours only?

PommeRouge · 07/08/2017 11:15

Have you got IRL support, OP?

DorisDay88 · 07/08/2017 11:15

And it was going so well

Was just thinking the same octopus

theporcinegrappler · 07/08/2017 11:16

What the fucking fuck

theporcinegrappler · 07/08/2017 11:17

😆😂🤣🙄

worldupsidedown · 07/08/2017 11:21

He doesn't have any control of the cameras, not the account or app. I set it all up. We have outside ones and one spare I can put anywhere, they are Arlo. I left one in our bedroom when we went on holiday facing across the room and it luckily could see over his side and the wardrobe.

My friend came over. I read him the potential text, I couldn't read it all, he had to finish reading it himself. He said that DH will either jump straight back on the next plane or not, and there's the answer. He said I should hold off until the next day to cancel the cards, wait for some transactions.

Also to call easyJet as it's paid on joint card and ask flight times etc so I can book taxi, etc. I'm going to try that next.

OP posts:
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