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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Belindabelle · 06/08/2017 18:28

I have never been in your situation however I have read enough threads on here to say you are doing really well.

I would get this thread moved to Relationships as there are some fantastic Mumsnetters over there who will be able to help you through. Not saying you haven't had fantastic advice on here btw, but the Relationship board has some long running advice threads.

Remember at the moment you have all the power. He does not know that you know so you can take some time to think and plan.

As I see it your next hurdle will be your weekend away together. I know you want to keep your powder dry until he goes on the "sailing trip" the weekend after but I would think that the weekend away together would be the perfect time to confront him. Or tackle him just before the weekend and you go away with a friend. Leave him to explain to his mother why he is not with you. Mind you as others have said maybe he has no intention of going on the weekend and plans to cry off. However in my experience men will take the easiest option, particularly if they think sex may be on the menu.

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 18:43

How do I get this thread moved to relationships?

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 06/08/2017 18:54

I am not sure, maybe start a new one and just put the link up for us to follow ?

happypoobum · 06/08/2017 18:59

I have asked for you OP don't worry.

Belindabelle · 06/08/2017 19:01

I have asked too. Mumsnet HQ may send you a PM. Check your in box.

Roussette · 06/08/2017 19:19

Where has he said his sailing trip is?

Surely he would have to tell you if he's going abroad. The ringtone on a mobile is different when you're abroad for starters. So he can't pretend he's in the UK

rosietosey · 06/08/2017 19:38

To move a thread I think all you have to do is report one of your posts OP, and you can send a message to HQ that way to ask for it to be moved.

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 20:44

Thank you for moving the thread. He's not said anything about the sailing, I'm waiting for him to bring it up. I want to ask him to give me details of who/where he's sailing, I'll need to know for obvious reasons and it would be unreasonable if he made some kind of excuse. He's usually gone from SO area and crewed for a race.

OP posts:
kateandme · 06/08/2017 20:54

Ur so brave.have u someone there fr u.this will hit hard at moments.u need support.I'm so devastatingly sorry.let us be there this week.ur not alonexx

Raindancer411 · 06/08/2017 20:54

Good idea to ask for details of where, and it's true you need to know for obvious reasons

Mustang27 · 06/08/2017 21:03

You sound like you have a lovely life and he has just taken everything for granted. He is a fool. I asked about the phone as some androids are easily hackable without passwords but Apple is not. Do you have an iPhone? The find my friends is great of you are worried about where someone is. Never had to snoop but if my partner is running really late I just swipe left and it locates him so I know wether he is on his way home or busy.

Paperdoll16 · 06/08/2017 22:01

You're doing the right thing biding your time. Hats off to you though as I would have flipped long before now. You're doing so well to collate the evidence so he cannot wangle himself out of it.

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 22:40

Thank you all, I have just spent the past hour composing a very long or several texts to him for when the time comes. I'm wring up here with the kind words from you. I wish I could wake up from the nightmare

OP posts:
PeppersTheCat · 06/08/2017 22:49

Thinking of you OP. We're all behind you Flowers

Imbeingunreasonable · 06/08/2017 22:53

Stay strong OP. His actions will be the undoing of him

loveyoutothemoon · 06/08/2017 23:18

Be careful you don't send it by accident. Save it to a file.

worldupsidedown · 07/08/2017 07:38

Yesterday I remembered we have several wireless cameras, again, I have all the access app, etc, and I had one still in our bedroom for when we went away. He was upstairs having a shower so I remotely turned it on. When he was out the shower I watched him take stuff from his bag in the wardrobe and hide it in his bedside drawers. I could also make out he was copying something to his phone, then he put something in the bin. I later went to see what it was. When I checked his drawer previously I found a small painted wooden horse wrapped in corrugated cardboard with a leaflet about it, it's from Sweden, I've never seen it before, it might have been from his parents, I think they went there fairly recently, I'm not 100%. So what he'd thrown away was The cardboard wrap, but he'd written the letters 'c o a e b' with a purple pen, I have a purple pen on my dressing table. I thought it might be a new password to his phone so when he was in the shower this morning he left his by the bed so I tried it but it still has a 4 number code. He dressed in a new suit he recently bought, and is wearing the new cufflinks, he's not been wearing cufflinks for a few years, he must have bought a new shirt especially, and he was wearing a tie, again he's not worn one for ages, it must be a very important meeting but he's not said anything and he usually talks to me about his work a lot. After he left I checked the drawers, he's 'hidden' the condoms in the bottom drawer

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 07/08/2017 07:48

He just texted me that he won't be back 'till 10:30 tomorrow night. I said he looked v smart in his suit + 😘. He replied he has a big workshop and doesn't feel ready, I wonder why? I texted 'you'll be fine, you always are x' I considered adding that he always gives a good performance but that might let on I know something.

OP posts:
janaus · 07/08/2017 07:50

Stay strong, lovely. Awful time for you. You deserve better.

IrritatedUser1960 · 07/08/2017 07:59

I'm really sorry about this, I read the first page then the last so clearly he is having an affair.
My ex husband did exactly the same twice before he dumped me. A week of silence, secretive behaviour, hiding things badly, not wanting to touch you.
I'd say it looks like he's planning to leave so be careful, get your finances in order.

user1471729756 · 07/08/2017 08:02

Is there anyway you could get into his gmail account? I know it seems wrong but could answer a lot of questions. Also another quick tip get an old phone and a SIM card where u can download a phone tracker? Put it in his car hidden, then u can see where he is actually going. If it's not too far follow it and see who he is with? It works, Iv done this and it answered a lot for me xx

worldupsidedown · 07/08/2017 08:11

He only drives his car to the station so I can't track him. I tried the gmail thing, it will only send a new password to a recognised address.

OP posts:
user1471729756 · 07/08/2017 08:14

How do u know he drives to the station? He might just say that. Go to the station and see if his car is there? Is there anyone at his work u can ask about this "meeting" xx

FluffyWhiteTowels · 07/08/2017 08:22

I remember so well how you're feeling right now ... a myriad of emotions. How can they be cruel.

Whoknows11 · 07/08/2017 08:24

Just read your posts OP and just wanted to say what one strong lady you are. Your dignity is so gracious. I'm very sorry your husband has turned out like this after years of marriage. Never forget he's the fool not you. Sadly men who have affairs try putting the blame on their partner. Do not let him do this, you have done nothing wrong x