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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
TheStoic · 06/08/2017 13:27

I never let on that I knew. I just told him I wasn't feeling it any more, didn't find him sexually attractive and was leaving him.

Brilliant. That is exactly what I would do too if I found myself in that situation.

crazymissdaisy · 06/08/2017 13:36

Happypoobum you are right of course, it is our range of views and opinions that OP wants. And you have my sympathy OP I didn't mean to sound bossy, it must be incredibly hard just starting to process it all and still keeping up the semblance of normality.Flowers

Cherylvole · 06/08/2017 13:38

I agree. Far too much vicarious enjoyment on here , dressed up as concern

Fitzsimmons · 06/08/2017 13:45

You seem so strong OP. I'm sorry you are going through this. Flowers

VladmirsPoutine · 06/08/2017 13:46

happypoobum So you divorced him on what grounds? Just curious.
FWIW I love your stance - when I went through something similar I lost my shit in a very unedifying way which still makes me cringe to this day. I wish I'd just walked away and wished him well.

NannyRed · 06/08/2017 13:59

Yes Worldupsidedown, definitely the right thing to do. Now you need to confront him and wait for him to explain why he has a receipt for condoms. I'm sure you're sensible enough to be able to tell if he is bullshitting you. Big difference between "oh xxxx the intern was too embarrassed to buy his own" and " er.... ummmm. Oh it's not mine.... it's er..... one I found and I wanted to er claim the points on your boots card"
But you must talk to him. I've been in your shoes and you have my sympathy, stay strong and don't take any excuses. If he is (and it sounds he is being unfaithful) he has made his choice and you want him out now, today. Having nowhere to go is t your problem. (Find out who she is too)

happypoobum · 06/08/2017 14:14

Vlad I waited two years to divorce him. His life had become very complex by then and he was happy to go along with everything.

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 14:32

Ok, I'm back, good to get some fresh air but walked like a zombie, I also tend to do a lot of thinking. I'm definitely not going to confront him. I want to see what he does this week at least. I want to handle this with as much dignity as I can, he's the one being an idiot, not me. Been mulling over what I'd say in THE text to him if/when he takes her away for the weekend or whatever.

I'd probably tell him I love him but he's been a total cunt and she must be such an amazing person if she means so much more to him than me, DD, dogs (23 yr old cat), hens and the wonderful home we made together, in which case this is no longer his home and we are no longer his family. He's chosen to walk out of our door and close it behind him and enter world together with her, I wish you both all the best. Followed by some more appropriate expletives, maybe end on 'cunt', not a word I particularly like and he knows that, but most appropriate under the circumstances

Despite everything, I can still find some humour, a trait he claimed to have always admired in me.

OP posts:
Gmccax · 06/08/2017 14:55

👏🏻

SonicBoomBoom · 06/08/2017 15:00

I'd hide the passport, personally. If he freaks and seems to need it urgently (for a weekend away you know nothing about) then you will know he's lying.

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 15:03

No I'm not hiding the passport, it will hit him harder if I text him while he's away

OP posts:
KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 06/08/2017 15:29

What are you going to text him when he is away?

TuttiFruttiCutie · 06/08/2017 15:34

keira read OPs post @14.32 up thread!

theporcinegrappler · 06/08/2017 15:34

I'd probably tell him I love him but he's been a total cunt and she must be such an amazing person if she means so much more to him than me, DD, dogs (23 yr old cat), hens and the wonderful home we made together
I very much doubt that he does think she is worth more than what he has with you, he thinks he can get away with having both, he thinks he can have the benefits of a wife and a mistress

It's a gamble and you should never gamble with more than you are prepared to lose

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 15:49

Right this moment that's how I feel, if what I'm having to put up with now is how it's going to be with me, him and the mistress. I also thought I might follow up that last text with something like: 'please send me a forwarding address for the divorce papers asap'

OP posts:
WinLoseRepeat · 06/08/2017 15:54

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muggymum · 06/08/2017 16:07

Oh love your being so bloody brave! Well done for keeping your shit together

Hotpinkangel19 · 06/08/2017 16:13

You're very strong OP Flowers

Buckinghambae · 06/08/2017 16:25

Just feel for you - I do love that you are keeping your dignity and holding it together. The most important thing now is DD and making sure you have a plan that protects her from the fallout. Heaps of luck with whatever you choose.

I had only been with my ex for 7 years although had DS with him. I am forever grateful for my ability to never scream, shout or make a scene when I found out he was screwing something akin to Vicky Pollard. I knew Karma would get him, I helped her along by packing his stuff and quietly chuckling as I stuffed prawns in the underside of his car seats then laughed even harder when she smacked him round the face with a milk pan some months later.

heaps of luck Flowers

FuckYouLinda · 06/08/2017 16:30

You have enough proof. I think you are doing brilliantly in the circumstances.

It's a good idea to send him a text that he will get when he lands, so I retract my idea of hiding the passport. Leave it where it is and let him go. He'll take his phone off airplane mode and see your text before his sordid trip has even properly begun. That should dampen his ardour nicely. Plus because he's going to be abroad he'll be stuck where he is and cant rush home. Meanwhile you'll have gotten your ducks in a row nicely before he gets a chance to get in your face to try to change your mind.

Hope it all works out for you Flowers

WinLoseRepeat · 06/08/2017 16:33

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worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 16:49

No he's not and has never been a gambler, I'd definitely know about that. We don't need condoms, I had a coil fitted after daughter was born and decision was made not to have another.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 06/08/2017 17:40

You are being so calm, OP, I'm quite in awe.

When my friend found out her husband was shagging someone at work, she rocked up at the office and gave her a good smack in the chops or 3.

Not dignified, but it made her feel better.And they're back together now!

CalmItKermitt · 06/08/2017 18:05

What a bastard!
Take him to the cleaners!

Pantryboy · 06/08/2017 18:19

OP have you thought about getting a PI , they can give you the low down on them?
Good Luck with everything

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