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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
TeamCersei · 06/08/2017 10:36

I love the idea of replacing his new clothes he's bought to impress the OW with clothes that are a size too small. Grin
I would also be tempted to cook him a loving laxative type last meal before he goes.
The flight and hopefully the first day of his romantic time away will be completely ruined by having the squits

and you absolutely must remove his passport the day before he goes.
When he starts to panic, which he will, you innocently say. "I've bought a new file to keep all our important documents safe"
"It's not liks you need it"

Give the passport back to him,, but how he reacts, and the excuse he gives for needing it, will add a lot to the overall picture you are trying to build up.

I would let him go on his sordid little jolly, , but don't tip him off that you k ow what's really going on. You have the potential to have some fun with him, and hopefully ruin some of his time away.

When he's gone, you have the time to get all your financial ducks in a row.
Good Luck!

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 10:37

He paid for the cufflinks and a print by the looks of it, don't know where that is, unless he's hidden a surprise for me or gift to ME. We had a family holiday in Japan at Easter, the B museum exhibition was a Japanese artist we both like and both items are by the artist. Does that stink or what.

OP posts:
Cherylvole · 06/08/2017 10:42

Do you know who the ow is yet?

FuckyDuck · 06/08/2017 10:44

I'm sorry OP, he sounds like a cunt

TeamCersei · 06/08/2017 10:46

sounds as though you're meeting him at the hotel next week - he's not going to show up. He will phone you with excuses about work, can't get away, blah blah blah but as you're already there no point wasting the booking, he'll tell you to stay and enjoy the spa, spoil yourself, have a bit of time to yourself whilst DD is being looked after. He's really sorry but he's just got too much work on.

Even if he does turn up, he will more than likely be spending the first few days with her - Ow Sad
Do you think he would have the cheek to bring her to your home?
Before you go away could you set things up, so you can tell if anything been disturbed?

MuvaWifey77 · 06/08/2017 10:47

OP you could be Right about surprise to you. My cheating exes always showered me with gifts just as they were about to cheat again , inside their demonic mind they thought that they were compensating for being lying cunts.

TeamCersei · 06/08/2017 11:00

OP, next time youre in his car with him, accidentally leave your phone in one of the pockets. Make sure the phone is turned on but that everything is switched to silent.
The next time he goes off in his car on his own, , go on find my phone or something similar.
If it shows his car outside a residential street he has no reason to be on, then that's more than likely where the OW lives.
You then have another piece of the jigsaw puzzle.
It will tell you whether it's someone you know or don't know.

LoniceraJaponica · 06/08/2017 11:05

Re cancelling the cards. You could explain that one away by saying that the bank contacted you suspecting fraudulent activity as it was being used somewhere in Europe (and of course neither of you are thereWink)

TeamCersei · 06/08/2017 11:10

lonicerus, Genius!

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 06/08/2017 11:21

Yes cancel them and immediately text "Had a call from the bank about suspicious activity abroad on the joint account. Bugger. They have cancelled the card! New ones should be here next week. Do you need me to transfer some money?"

C0untDucku1a · 06/08/2017 11:41

I understand you wanting to father as much evidence as possible so that he cannot worm his way out of it and you know it is final. Try to act normally

C8H10N4O2 · 06/08/2017 11:48

Bide your time, don't succumb to temptation of piercing condoms etc (and destroying a passport is illegal).

See your solicitor, get all the ducks lined up and work out what you want to achieve and then confront him. And, as other PPs have suggested steel yourself for if he turns nasty.

Whilst some of the other behaviour might be be explained away its hard to see how the condoms fit in with anything other than an OP.

BeccaAnn · 06/08/2017 11:52

Flowers it really does look like an affair, sorry OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/08/2017 12:13

I know it's hard, but just remember that every comment you bite down, every smile you give him, every odd action you don't remark on is time you have to get your ducks in a row. You aren't enabling his actions, you are enabling your own.

TeamCersei · 06/08/2017 12:19

Nobody is saying she should destroy his passport,

People are advising to temporarily move the passport, to see what his reaction will be.
It will speak volumes.
If he is genuinely going on a sailing trip in this country then he shouldn't be too bothered that OP has moved it somewhere safe, because he doesn't need to use it.
The OP should absolutely give it back to him if he asks for it, but not before gauging his reaction.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/08/2017 12:51

There was at least one suggestion to draw on the passport and render it unusable.

Honestly I wouldn't even move it until ready to confront the whole issue. Its hard but OP is best to get everything sorted and think through her own wishes rather than alert DH too soon and risk confrontation before she is ready.

15MinutesWithYou · 06/08/2017 12:53

I could not sit on all of this OP. I would have to confront him.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/08/2017 12:59

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you op Flowers

Can only echo other pp - get your ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor tomorrow, get as much evidence as you can

Take care

happypoobum · 06/08/2017 13:03

I wouldn't destroy his passport but I would relocate it somewhere like under the wardrobe. It would be so enjoyable to watch his confusion and panic.

He has lied and cheated and destroyed their marriage.

Re the cards - he might just have cash, I can't imagine he is going to use the cards abroad.

crazymissdaisy · 06/08/2017 13:03

I can see that it's satisfying to plot revenge, but the OP is an adult partner, not a subservient underling to her husband who has to use subterfuge for fear of reprisal from her superior. OP what is stopping you just talking to him?

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 13:04

It's really really hard right now, I'm in a daze and keep going off line. He's at the dining end of kitchen in his chair playing his guitar and frequently checking typing on his phone. In my parallel universe hell has broken loose, something like I've snatched the phone and run off with it!

I'm taking my dog out for a walk to get something on offer from someone locally. He mentioned taking his dog for a run (mine doesn't like running!) this he never usually does on a Sunday!

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 06/08/2017 13:05

I sometimes think people get off a bit on encouraging an OP to do ridiculous things. This is real life (I'm assuming) and if her husband is having an affair the consequences for the OP and her family are very significant. It doesn't need added drama.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2017 13:14

Tbh I wouldnt leave it much longer before confronting. As you spotted his odd behaviour, he will be noticing yours and may try to hide things.

You have all the evidence you need, so while I can understand you wanting some legal advice, I would be preparing to speak to him within the next 24 hours. The longer you keep it to yourself, the longer he has to get his own ducks in a row.

Motherofterriers · 06/08/2017 13:17

Does he have one of those little books for recording passwords in? My XOH did.
If you guess a password incorrectly too many times he may get an email. Just one attempt probably not. You could watch out for him accidentally not logging out.

Or try to guess his password while he is actually flying, he won't pick up an email until he lands.
Get copies of everything and store them somewhere safe, out of the house.

happypoobum · 06/08/2017 13:17

I think that is why people post on MN though - to get a wide range of opinions. I know that's why I post when I start a thread.

We would all deal with this situation in very different ways. Many of us know how we would deal with it because we have been through it ourselves.

For example, I never really understand why people need shitloads of evidence. What OP has it plenty in my book, but I respect that many other posters need loads more.

I never understand why some posters need to come out looking clean as a whistle, I wouldn't give a shit. I don't understand why some people post loads of stuff on social media when their partners cheats, but many people do exactly this. I wouldn't need to cut up all his clothes etc, but many do feel that need to get that kind of revenge.

I have posted before many times what I did when I found evidence of my DH cheating - it was before mobile phones and it was a love letter I found in his briefcase, commenting on the lovely holiday they had together when he supposedly been working away. That was enough evidence for me.

I never let on that I knew. I just told him I wasn't feeling it any more, didn't find him sexually attractive and was leaving him. His ego took a proper battering and I walked away. He doesn't know to this day that I knew what he was up to.

OP will read ll our posts and will still do what is right for her, and for her DD, in her particular situation, but I do think the wonderful thing about MN is that the wide range of advice gives people options and things to consider. If we all said exactly the same thing it wouldn't be nearly so useful.

Just my two cents worth........

By the way OP, when my second marriage broke down, I think being able to get out with the dog saved my sanity!