Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 06/08/2017 01:23

I am in awe of your self-control. Well done, OP, he deserves everything he's got coming.

What a pathetic cliche he is Flowers

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 06/08/2017 01:36

Goodness me.

JustMumNowNotMe · 06/08/2017 05:10

This woman is not "Marriage Wrecker", she isnt the one married to you how vowed to commit herself to you, he is. This is the nickname you should be giving your husband. Don't blame her, blame your cheating scumbag husband he is the one who has done this to you.

LoniceraJaponica · 06/08/2017 06:23

Justmum it takes two to tango, and the other woman must know that he is married. So IMO that makes both of them marriage wreckers.

JustMumNowNotMe · 06/08/2017 06:54

Of course it takes two, I'm really not defending her but I see all too often here women focusing all their anger at the OW, and not on the man who they are married to.

scrubthedeckandmakeitlookSHINY · 06/08/2017 07:20

Don't puncture the condoms Hmm

You've found so much evidence, OP. Shocking.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 06/08/2017 07:51

This is just horrible. In my experience cheating soon-to-be-ex husbands are slippery little fuckers don't play your hand too early!

I would take the passport use the pretence of keeping it safe with the others if he says anything.

You need to start getting things ready. New bank account just for you. Look at tax credits etc to see if you'd be elibable, look for a job, move some money over. If he goes cancel the cards straight after the check in time. Gather all your information and protect yourself first and gather up anything of value like spare car keys etc. I took all the documents and valuables and put them in the laundry. Lazy fucker would never have looked there!
Good luck you're doing all the right things

Inertia · 06/08/2017 08:12

Sounds like a good idea to talk things through with old friend, you might get some useful advice.

I wouldn't say any more to your daughter - she now knows that you share the same suspicions, which means that she won't be worrying about how to tell you; however, she shouldn't be burdened with any more details. She'll need you to help her with the emotional fallout, which will be doubly hard when you are dealing with your own.

OliviaBenson · 06/08/2017 08:24

God yes take the passport. Petty by satisfying.

OliviaBenson · 06/08/2017 08:24

But*

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 09:02

Thank you all for your support, I envisage a lot of what you've said about his reactions will prune true. I had to post my last post hurriedly as I thought he was going to spit me typing, and equally get curious! I turned off the tv and lights and turned over. I can only get to sleep on my right side, I don't know why buts it's ever since I was in hospital after having DD, I had severe HELLP Syndrome. Anyway, I then became aware of his phone light on, he was reading again. I nearly lost it this time! I turned around and felt like snatching the phone from him but stopped myself in time and instead just asked what he was doing, he said he was 'turning his phone off'

This morning I woke early and shed some tears quietly

I've thought that I may not cancel the cards until after he arrives at destination, I can then get some spending on the card wherever he is and then have a bit more credibility to cancel 'my husband's cards have been stolen and are being used somewhere unauthorised.'

I still can't work out what to do about this coming weekend, MIL is actually coming here to stay with DD, this is first time ever she's stayed, they don't live locally. I know his MD will be massively disappointed when they find out about him.

I thought maybe I should just go ahead and book a couple of treatments in the spa and then chill in our suite until he arrives as originally planned. But then thoughts turned to other things and how he probably thinks I'll be expecting his best performance but won't want any physical contact, and then I'm left thinking, what if he just tries it on anyway but I can't face him knowing what he's done.Sad

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 06/08/2017 09:13

Is his phone Apple or android?

Skylark678 · 06/08/2017 09:17

If he has an iPhone and you are both connected through iTunes or iCloud, you can find out where he is through the app find friends. It was added to phones a while back through a system update.

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 09:17

It's Apple

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 09:22

I've just remembered a password he gave me to access an audible account he set up and never used, but if I try it and it's successful or not will he receive an email to his gmail account that an attempt was made?

OP posts:
Smilingthru · 06/08/2017 09:24

OP this sounds terrible. I couldn't keep my mouth shut but I think gathering stuff if very wise.

Tell him you want some me time and not to come to the hotel next weekend.

Thinking of you.

JustMumNowNotMe · 06/08/2017 09:28

smiling I don't think the OP needs to worry about next weekend, I'd bet money something comes up with work/he's ill etc. He won't want to go on a cosy couples weekend at the min will he Sad

Goodythreeshoes · 06/08/2017 09:42

I wouldn't bet on it Just

GlitteryFluff · 06/08/2017 09:50

Sorry you're going through this op.
I agree - get your ducks in a row before confronting if you can hold out long enough.
Make sure you have money, passports, paperwork etc. Make sure you have evidence, take photos of things as you find them then he can't deny.
Good luck with friend tomorrow and hope you manage to see a solicitor tomorrow too.

Vq1970 · 06/08/2017 10:03

It sounds as though you're meeting him at the hotel next week - he's not going to show up. He will phone you with excuses about work, can't get away, blah blah blah but as you're already there no point wasting the booking, he'll tell you to stay and enjoy the spa, spoil yourself, have a bit of time to yourself whilst DD is being looked after. He's really sorry but he's just got too much work on.

I'm sorry you're going through this but you are being amazingly strong x

billysboy · 06/08/2017 10:07

stay strong and trust your instinct

LakieLady · 06/08/2017 10:26

So sorry you're going though this, OP. I can't believe how calm and measured you're being. I'm afraid I couldn't resist ensuring that his passport met with some sort of mishap.

Did he buy the cufflinks at the museum for himself? If not, I wouldn't rule out the possibility that the OW is actually an OM.

worldupsidedown · 06/08/2017 10:29

God knows how he's going to get out of it, I'm at the hotel for 2 nights, his mum's staying at our house, where does he think he's going to be for the night?!

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 06/08/2017 10:29

DONT poke holes in the condoms
DONT add spice to underwear or the condoms
DON'T ruin his passport

They're just stupid ideas.

It's not looking good, some he could explain away but no the condoms.
I'm just saying before you explode make sure your suspicions are correct.

I'll never forget my mother exploding on my father for his "affair". She came to the conclusion because she found condoms in my brothers bedroom which obviously must have been my father hiding them, not that they could have been my sexually active brothers. He also dared to be late home from work a few nights - talking 10-15 minutes late.

She cut holes out of his clothes, poured chilli flakes in his underwear, ripped up some letters and photos from back when he was younger, ripped his birth certificate and smashed the family tv in the Living room. Boy was it awkward when she realised she was acting crazy and my dad wasn't having an affair. I remember all the children being made to stand there and watch like it was a sporting event.
Best bit, my father never once cheated on my mum, she had cheated though. 3 affairs over there time together.

I guess the point of me telling that is, it's easier to get worked up and do something hasty because you're being egged on. It could be innocent, he may well be having an affair confront him. None of this child like behaviour which some have suggested.

And please keep your child out of it, I'll always remember that occasion I mentioned above, and it was a massive head fuck for teenage me.

Inertia · 06/08/2017 10:35

Ok, have just read your update about the hotel and how he is apparently going to meet you there later. I don't want to speculate and cause panic, but could there be a possibility that he's getting you out of the way while he moves his stuff out and the hotel is just a charade?

Swipe left for the next trending thread