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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 23:40

Yes, old friend has been going through it with his ex for a few years now, they are finally in div stage so he knows his stuff, plus I really need someone outside our social circle,
DH is now in bed, I don't know if I mentioned that when he got home last night I heard him very carefully, quietly close his bedside drawer. I'd already checked it earlier that day, couldn't find anything. I checked this morning and he'd slipped his passport in the drawer, it's where he usually keeps it but I hadn't thought it wasn't there and maybe he'd not replaced it since holiday, anyway, so he's in bed, drifting off, then just reached carefully into the draw to check it was in there. Something on his mind? I've no proof the easyJet booking is for the same date as sailing weekend. Angry

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 23:45

I guess in theory, I wouldn't usually see card transactions until I get the statement in the post, I've no idea what his plan is with MW (marriage wrecker). It all seems very sudden, literally no more than the week before our holiday and he's apparently planning a weekend away, etc.

OP posts:
Lonelynessie · 05/08/2017 23:50

I'd sneakily take his passport (probably not the best idea but I don't think I could help myself). I'd like to see him squirm.

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 23:53

I'd love to do that, but then I'd have to explain my reason.

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 23:56

Could puncture his condoms

OP posts:
worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 23:57

OMG! the chillies in holidayunderpants

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 05/08/2017 23:59

What reasons?

Its not there, you havent seen it or moved it, you have no idea where it is.....

He cant make a fuss without flagging up why he needs it. You feign utter ignorance, and hide it out of the house. Give it to your friend on Monday.........

LovelyOtherDinosaur · 05/08/2017 23:59

Puncture the condoms. Marinade in jalapeño juice. Return to packet. Wink

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2017 00:00

Actually, forget that. Take it the day before the "sailing trip" so he hasnt got time to get a replacement. The panic (or lack of) will tell you all you need to know.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2017 00:02

Oh and of course "Well no panic, it will turn up. It's not like you need it for anything is it? We can always get a replacement later in the year if it really is lost" [tinkly laugh]

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2017 00:04

Dont puncture the condoms ffs! The last thing you need is MW getting pregnant.

However, taking all the condoms out of the box, replacing them with a note from you saying "Dont bother coming home you cheating cunt"....that would be fine Wink

Wallywobbles · 06/08/2017 00:06

As would masking his passport disappear

Categoric · 06/08/2017 00:23

Since you manage the finances OP, can you not open a new savings account somewhere and take his passport for the Anti Money Laundring info? You will need to take the original in and they will need to certify it. If you time it right, you could be in possession of the passport for a sensible reason at the perfect time.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 06/08/2017 00:27

I live in stratford if you want me to do some under cover obs more than happy to help

honeyroar · 06/08/2017 00:30

Just draw a moustache on his passport picture or colour in a few digits so it won't scan! Imagine the scene at the airport...!

Oh and take the condoms out of the wrappers, glue the wrappers closed again and put them back in the box? Replace a few of his new clothes with ones a few sizes smaller so everything looks like shrink wrapped speedos! You could have a bit of fun with this trip away while you get your ducks together. Have a divorce petition waiting for him on his return?

blahdblah · 06/08/2017 00:33

Please don't confide in your DD. It's too big for her. and it will hurt your relationship with her in the end if you do. She's a child, and just because she has noticed him being an arse doesn't mean she doesn't love him.

Justaboy · 06/08/2017 00:38

When i started reading this thread i thought work stress as an affair usually lightens the mood but not so in this case.

Also it seems as if he wants to be found out I think he just wants out of it with you. If i was having an affair and a clandestine one I'd buy bloody rubbers for cash and ones i didn't use just bin them or leave them in the hotel .

To keep the bloody receipt what was he thinking?

I f the OW was single perhaps she could have sourced them but i bet shes married too. Just a gut feeling somehow.

Sad to say upsidedownworld i think you ought to confront him and I bet he'll admit i then Solicitors appointment as soon as.

But sorry to hear it all the same, bin there got the tea shirt and all that still bloody hurts that misplaced trust!.

Shankarankalina · 06/08/2017 00:47

For what it's worth to any doubters, my ex kept all his receipts as he (a) always charged as many expenses as he could, and (b) never dreamed that I might find them. Dinners, gifts, tickets, taxi dockets complete with addresses and times, toll receipts ... it was very easy for me to construct a correct narrative from the big envelope he kept for the accountant. Silly bugger.

Justaboy · 06/08/2017 00:50

Shankarankalina sounds a first class expenses fiddler;!

taylea86 · 06/08/2017 00:51

Short answer is you're not paranoid, something is up. I can tell when my SO is in one of these funny moods from just a text. It's women's intuition.

Could be work, home, friends, money anything at all. My SO will sometimes do this too when he's got stuff on his mind (he's not a talker). i just try and ride it out until he's dealt with it.

you've either got to talk to him (or ask someone else to talk to him if you think he'll shut down on you) or leave it be and if it carries on go snooping...

EllenJanethickerknickers · 06/08/2017 01:09

Gosh, it all sounds so familiar. Be prepared for him to be absolutely vile to you once it's in the open. For him to blame you somehow as being a horrible person to live with. It's all to assuage his guilt. He might tell you your being a SAHM is sponging off him etc, or that the sex is boring with you. Really hurtful stuff.

It's all just 'the script.' If you are prepared for it, hopefully it won't sting so much.

My ExH also lied and lied when I confronted him initially. His reasoning was, I assume, to leave the relationship as the hurt party, to make me feel that the break up was my fault, then to 'meet' the OW afterwards so that he could keep some moral high ground.

As it was I did manage to get proof of his affair which put paid to this plan, which was when he really got nasty. I'd foiled his attempts to leave with some dignity and he hated me for it.

I was honest with the DC but in an age appropriate way and have always facilitated them keeping a relationship with their father, for their sake, not mine or his.

Good luck, it will be very hard, but you will get through it. Flowers

MuvaWifey77 · 06/08/2017 01:10

What a scum bag ! You are so strong OP, god knows my Latino blood wouldn't keep this cool ... it's a bad trait I have but I would have literally kicked him out of the house ... no questions asked, no confrontation, just out , change the locks.

MuvaWifey77 · 06/08/2017 01:11

Ps:. Good luck 💕

Janus · 06/08/2017 01:14

What an awful man, you must feel sick with worry.
Definitely hide passport, when is his 'sailing weekend' though, can you wait that long?

redsquirrel2 · 06/08/2017 01:22

Do you know his email address? Try to log in to it and click forgot password. Then you should get the security questions that you might know the answers to... You might be able to get into his emails that way.