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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he having an affair?

879 replies

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 07:39

Dh has been acting very strange the past couple of weeks. It's all quite sudden and I'm still trying to work out when this all started. Yesterday I spent the day feeling sick to the stomach that maybe he might be having an affair.

Last night he was very late in from work, not too unusual, but when he'd told me earlier in the week he didn't seem bothered, for a Friday night he usually just wants to get home, be with family and hates having to do after work socials/business dinner, etc. When he got in, must have been the last train, he was 'asleep' he didn't put the bedroom light on, just went to the bathroom then got into bed and then was obviously sending/reading on his phone quietly for a minute or so, put the phone down, then a minute or so later picked it up to read something received before putting it down again. Then I could tell he was restless and not going to sleep, normally he's out of it in minutes, but he was like this all night and has been more so recently. He blames it on me snoring/groaning etc, which I know I do but he snores too and he usually sleeps better. He's been downstairs with his iPhone now since about 5:30, I don't think he was trying to sleep on the sofa or something as he made a coffee.

He was acting very strange all the time on holiday last week and this week too. Barely talking to me, avoiding conversation and eye contact at the dinner table etc, no work discussed, funny things, nothing, sense of humour loss and I can't seem to say the right thing. He went for his daily runs in the afternoon on holiday but when he got back he'd do more excises and avoid getting in the pool with me till I got out. Also being careful at what he eats, no dessert. He also seemed to be emailing someone a lot, could be work related but I'm sure it was his gmail app he was using, I saw the coloured background, not phone/work mail and he seemed a little sheepish when using it, and he usually discusses his work stuff with me if there's something going on, nothing mentioned at all. On holiday he slept in the spare room, I didn't mind, his reason was not having slept well because of my keeping him awake and he needed to catch up, so I said I was ok with it, but now I'm wondering if it was ulterior motive.
On our way home,at the airport we sat for a drink and our DD mentioned how he'd been 'grumpy' all holiday, he didn't answer, just grunted and looked away.

I don't know if to let this ride more, just be myself and normal, oblivious, see what he's like this weekend as it's our first home since the holiday, maybe I'm being paranoid, or should I try to get something out of him? I hate confrontation, maybe I should wait, he should explain himself.

On holiday at our villa last week he barely spoke to me or my daughter (15), it's like he's had a sense of humour loss or just in his own world. Also choosing to sit on his own at the far end of the sunbeds, reading and going for a long run late afternoon, this he usually does anyway but this year, instead of straight in the pool to join me he'd faff about and then do some further exercises, pretty much till I was done in the pool.

At the airport, on our way home, my daughter tried to bring up his behaviour and he just grunted and looked away. He's also been non-committal on my suggestions of booking our holiday next year.

We had house sitters staying and at dinner together on their last night he barely spoke to anyone then went to get ready for work the next day

OP posts:
Painfulpain · 05/08/2017 19:35

I don't think telling the daughter that the reason her dad is being weird, is because he is having an affair; is 'involving' her

she noticed he has been act grumpy and asked him. Better she knows the truth, rather than wracking her brains/probably feeling responsible in some way

Painfulpain · 05/08/2017 19:37

Yy its not so many kids know before the wife 😔

Mustang27 · 05/08/2017 19:45

Next time he is on his phone near you just grab it from him and run to the loo. It will be unlocked you will see what you need to see.

Pandamanda3 · 05/08/2017 19:50

Just Caught up on the thread and omg what a total shit bag! 😡
Iv had all this op the wondering analysing everything until it stairs you in the face.
If I were you and you sound strong enough to, Id just go along like other pp said and be all lovely & cuddly then when you feel you've got it all sorted in the back ground 'think of a nice way to serve it to him on a plate'. what an utter dick!
He will sorrily regret his actions believe me.
it's so bloody annoying after all those years of marriage being so dedicated to them, each other your family your dc's and they just throw it all away for a tramp a marriage wreaked!
Don't worry op your worth ten of him she won't be nothing special believe me they never are!
💐 for you & dd
Think of you & dd now he's a tit!

Penfold007 · 05/08/2017 19:52

DSis and I knew long before DF found out that 'D'M was having an affair. Caused a lot of long term damage.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 19:55

It could be an affair unfortunately. Or maybe he's looking at websites and emailing women on there. Or there could be another secret he's hiding from you.

Whatever it is, stressing about it isn't doing you or your DD any good. You'll have to ask.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 20:10

I hadn't read the whole thread when I posted before, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Roussette · 05/08/2017 20:23

Please don't be railroaded from this thread because you told your DD and got a bad reaction. We're not walking in your shoes etc...

If it helps, keep posting Flowers

TidyDancer · 05/08/2017 20:31

Involving your DD was obviously not great but it's done now.

OP I would not confront yet unless you have all the evidence and info you need, especially regarding your finances.

If it was me, I'd wait until he was away then text him and tell him you know and not to come home.

Painfulpain · 05/08/2017 20:32

OP didn't involve her dd anyway. OPs husband has done that, by betraying his daughters trust

penny4321boom · 05/08/2017 21:06

I am so sorry that u are going through this OP. Please be protected my Mum lost everything because of my cheating Dad and the money he wasted. I was only 5 but can remember the upset even though I never knew anything until I was old enough. 14 when I started asking questions. You know your Daughter and how much to tell her and I was thankful for my mum giving me only facts not her opinion. I wish I both the best x

TooLow · 05/08/2017 21:08

So sorry OP Flowers
Such a sneaky bastard!!
Personally I don't think you're in the wrong telling your DD, my mum and dad had a massive row over another woman when I was the same age as your DD and she kicked him out, can remember him walking out with a suitcase and I'd rather my mum have been honest with me and told me what it was about instead of sitting there wondering what just happened and feeling confused

Imbeingunreasonable · 05/08/2017 21:54

Hope you're ok op. Have you confronted him?

Polkadot1974 · 05/08/2017 22:06

Oh crikey. Time to say something. Not sure speaking to a 15 year old is good but you can turn that around by reassuring her whatever is going on is nothing of her making but do let her know that. Hope you get out and be happy

sorryho0p · 05/08/2017 22:21

Wow, what an unbelievably awful time you're having.

Surely it's better to try and confront your husband of several decades though?

FuckYouLinda · 05/08/2017 22:25

Shortly before our holiday some months ago, I lost my passport and we had to tear the place apart to find it. I had weeks to go so I could have still got an emergency one but was still freaking out until I found it in the obscure safe place I kept it for safekeeping.

It would be a pity if his got shredded lost too.

A real pity.

Not that he needs it for a sailing trip in the UK, but it would be a lot of fun to see him run around like a blue arsed fly trying to find something that he can't even tell you he is looking for...

FuckYouLinda · 05/08/2017 22:26

Or swap it with yours at the very last minute. Be a bitch to have the wrong passport at the airport. Easily done, they all look alike.

This may be more legal than my last suggestion Blush

Dumbo412 · 05/08/2017 22:35

Fuckyoulinda, great idea, or turning up at the hotel he's booked. Haha. Oh my god you could tell him you thought it was soooo romantic he booked a little get away for the two of you. Or else he wouldn't have made it so obvious. I'd seriously want to see him try to squirm out of that situation x

worldupsidedown · 05/08/2017 22:43

I'm sitting in bed, not feeling too good. I don't know if it's my inner stress or I'm actually coming down with something Confused

I've not confronted at all, I managed to ask him over dinner, where he ate last night, his answer wasn't immediate, chewing or stalling, but he said at the gallery at the British Museum, a client 'do which is plausible. I don't know if the booked room was for last night or a future night. It's in Stratford; ironically if it was for last night, I mentioned I was watching the athletics last night, I never do normally!

I messaged my old school mate going through divorce, he's coming over Monday morning.
DD is going to her lovely BFs house tomorrow, it'll be the first time and poss meet his parents. She's got a keeper!

I'm trying to think what to look for next, need to go back over statements. He's still downstairs, it's quiet, he usually plays his guitar (obsessively), but funny how even that seems to have taken a side line since returning from holiday.

OP posts:
Imbeingunreasonable · 05/08/2017 22:48

You're doing incredibly well op. Hope all goes well for your DD at her boyfriends house. He sounds lovely.

Sorry, I may have missed the intention in your post, but am I correct in assuming your friend is coming over on Monday to discuss with you what happens to finances and assets etc if/when divorce happens?

ADayGivingMeHope · 05/08/2017 22:57

Totally not read any of the thread...

This sounds to me like depression possibly.
Don't automatically jump on 'affair'

Problems with mood, sleep and appetite are all very common parts of depression and some men just don't like to admit there's a problem so they avoid it and sometime even the person they're closest to who might spot it.

I think a frank and supportive conversation is what's called for, whatever it is - you need to address it.

Hope it goes ok for you OP!

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 05/08/2017 22:57

Why would he book these things using a card that you manage the account for? Confused Surely he would expect you to ask him what these payments were for? He also leaves a lot of evidence lying around doesn't he. Confused

He's probably wondering why on earth you haven't said anything, he's hardly hiding it.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 05/08/2017 23:15

I'm in my40's and my mum has just gone thru this. I'm a bloody adult and it's incredibly stressful being confided in
Nothing is ever easy op. Dads cheated on mum but mum and dad both cheated WITH each other for a year with their first spouses. So I find it hard to actually feel like what my dad has done is unforgivable
And I'm old.
Don't talk to or lean on your dd. It really isn't fair

MyOtherProfile · 05/08/2017 23:15

Be careful he doesn't try turning things on their head and suggesting you're the one having an affair with this bloke coming over next week.

overduemamma · 05/08/2017 23:19

I agree with MyOther.... I hope you get to the bottom of this x