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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't believe I'm posting this.

110 replies

McBounty · 03/08/2017 23:32

Hi everyone.

I am just going to dive in, but could I please ask that you're gentle with me? I haven't stopped crying all day and I am currently writing this through exhausted and teary eyes.

Today I had a huge bust up with my husband. It got very physical. Sad

My husband hasn't been himself for a while now. He left the British Army in February this year and it's almost as if he has reverted right back to his teenage self before joining the forces.

He smokes weed every single day. This really hurts me and I have repeatedly asked him to stop. He says he has, but then goes on to do it again. I know this because when he smokes weed, he's a nice person. If he doesn't smoke weed, he's a horrible person.

I have recently become a Christian. I was baptised last week and I truly feel at peace with this. He doesn't support my decision (despite me respecting his beliefs and never bringing mine home) and although that's okay, he gets very aggressive about it. He shouts and tells me why I am 'stupid' for believing in such 'crap'. He is always making nasty comments about it and it's just nice a nice environment to live in.

Anyway, today he started smoking (regular cigarettes) in the kitchen. He has always had to leave the house to smoke because of our 9 year old DS. He has always respected this, until today. I was ranting about it and he come over and grabbed my finger bending it so far back I thought it was going to snap. I moved him off of me and he did it again continuously. He then hit his head on mine and pushed me back in to the kitchen counter with a real force. I then pushed him away and he pushed me with such force that it made my mouth bleed and fall straight on to the floor. I ended up with cuts on my hand and a bruise on my arm. My finger is still really sore.

I feel like I can't possibly continue this relationship with him. I think he's depressed and may even have PTSD as he did 2 tours or Afghanistan - but when I've begged him to get help before, he refused.

I just feel so hurt and so upset. My son was upstairs and heard everything. This hurts me deeply. He shouldn't have heard this.

I just feel stuck and I really am not sure what I have come to ask, I suppose I just needed to write it down.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Gogglerox · 03/08/2017 23:34

What the fuck???!! That's physical abuse!!!
So he bent your finger back until it almost snapped and head butted you out of the way?!

Let alone him being so disrespectful to you!!!

Get the fuck out of there asap

Gogglerox · 03/08/2017 23:34

LEAVE! Please be safe Flowers

user1497997754 · 03/08/2017 23:36

Phone the police now

MrsBertBibby · 03/08/2017 23:40

Please call the police.

Original poster
McBounty · 03/08/2017 23:47

It happened earlier this afternoon, he then left for a while after arguing with DS straight after.

I then went out with DS until 10.00pm tonight and my husband come home and enjoyed some peace and quiet it seems while we was out.

He won't leave if I ask him though, he refuses. I asked him to leave over and over earlier. He won't.

I don't want to involve the police.

OP posts:
WiggleYourWoo · 03/08/2017 23:47

You need to call the police asap. Don't let him get away with it, or he will do it (and worse) again.

Badhairday1001 · 03/08/2017 23:53

That is awful, I hope you and your son are ok. Do you have any family or friends that you and ds could go to? I would do that if possible and phone the police when you are there. You can't carry on living with him.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 03/08/2017 23:56

Please call the police. If he has PTSD it may be the wake up call he needs. But meanwhile you need to keep your son and YOU safe.

Call them in the morning. You can call the non emergency number.

Joysmum · 03/08/2017 23:56

If you don't involve the police, you're not proventing your child from being the victim of domestic violence, he's a victim as much as you as he's affected too.

Your dh also won't be flagged as having a problem so he won't get help.

This WILL continue to escalate as it has since February. You and your son will get worse treatment and further mentally damaged damaged.

CremeFresh · 03/08/2017 23:57

You really need to keep yourself safe. Is there any support for ex military wives ? I think this is quite a common problem for ex servicemen.

Can you stay at a relatives or friends for a while?

AdoraBell · 03/08/2017 23:58

Agree, call the police and leave ASAP.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 03/08/2017 23:59

You must call the police op. So sorry you are having to go through this but for your safety you must.

MajesticWhine · 04/08/2017 00:00

nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

bluerose24 · 04/08/2017 00:00

He wont hate you once yoh call the polive you can get away for a while untill it geta better. He will in time see his mistakes as deep down he might not be like yhis but the more you let it happen the more you will loose him and he wont care if he hurts you anymore as hes hurt or angry with aomthing and will or does put this onto you. You dont want thw upset it will be hars but if you get away somehow to a family members for not untill he gets help as you asking and staying with him hasnt helpes so far. So it before your too scared too while things can maybe be sorted between you if you BOTH want it. Hearing somthing and gojng through it are different things it might be hard but in thw long run it will be better

gamerchick · 04/08/2017 00:01

Call the police and get him lifted. They'll take him and he won't be able to come back. Do that now.

You're in line now for a proper hiding next time, let it go and you've given the green light. Line has been crossed.

bluerose24 · 04/08/2017 00:02

Sometime people dont see their own mistakes but you cant make him. If hes still he man he was he would want you to be happy

Ceto · 04/08/2017 00:04

You really must call the police, to keep both yourself and your son safe. Also, please call Women's Aid NOW - 0808 2000 247 - it's a 24 hour freephone.

pringlecat · 04/08/2017 00:09

You've asked him to get help and he's refused.

Have you considered leaving with your DS to 1) keep the pair of you safe and 2) force your DH to realise how low he's sunk and finally seek the help he needs? Leaving now to keep you and your DS safe doesn't necessarily mean leaving your DH forever.

There is something wrong your DH. Given his background, that something wrong may be fixable. His reaction to you leaving may indicate whether it is fixable. We're not telling you to LTB, we're suggesting you put some physical distance between him and you and DS for now.

CocoLoco87 · 04/08/2017 00:13

You have a choice to stay or leave, your son doesn't, he is dependent on you. Please do what's right by him and get him out of that situation. What if he's the physical target next time? He might not be able to fight off your DH.

AlpacaLypse · 04/08/2017 00:16

Call police and get you and your child away. It's not important right this second why DH is behaving like he is - Afhgan was pretty shit but although it might be a reason it's not an excuse for being vile to family or anyone else. We'll talk that through later. Get safe now.

Original poster
McBounty · 04/08/2017 00:21

We literally have nowhere to go, otherwise I would have left in an instant. My parents won't take me in as they haven't got the room, not even the sofa as they have one of my brother's friends living there. I have nobody else.

OP posts:
oldtrees · 04/08/2017 00:22

You need to involve the police so you have a record of this. It will give you power if he wants to fight for custody or if you feel your DS shouldn't go to his because he's not treating him properly.

It will be your word against his if you don't have a record.

BlueKarou · 04/08/2017 00:23

Oh McBounty, how horrid. No wonder you're shaken up.

I think first thing you need to do tomorrow (as long as you're safe tonight) is to take your son and get out of there. Alternatively, wait until your husband is out (or report his assault to the police and they will get him out) and then get the locks changed/leave the key in the door so he can't get in.

If leaving, take any paperwork you can easily get your hands on; id etc. Just in case. Get out of the house and away to some place safe you can think clearly and plan what you want to happen next. At the very least, I would advise you tell your husband he needs to get help, both with his mental health, and with his weed addiction. He is currently not a safe person for you or your son to be around.

I also think it would be wise to call 101 and report the physical assault you suffered. It isn't acceptable, regardless of possible mental health issues, to hurt anyone like that. As PPs have said, realising the consequences of his actions might alert your husband to how serious his problems are.

Keep safe, OP.

PickAChew · 04/08/2017 00:24

He's assaulted you and set upon your child. The police can take him away.

BlueKarou · 04/08/2017 00:24

Sorry - cross posted with you.

Surely your parents would take you in if they knew what he'd done - even if you're camping on the floor it'd be better than being at home and waiting for the next explosion/treading on eggshells.

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