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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't believe I'm posting this.

110 replies

McBounty · 03/08/2017 23:32

Hi everyone.

I am just going to dive in, but could I please ask that you're gentle with me? I haven't stopped crying all day and I am currently writing this through exhausted and teary eyes.

Today I had a huge bust up with my husband. It got very physical. Sad

My husband hasn't been himself for a while now. He left the British Army in February this year and it's almost as if he has reverted right back to his teenage self before joining the forces.

He smokes weed every single day. This really hurts me and I have repeatedly asked him to stop. He says he has, but then goes on to do it again. I know this because when he smokes weed, he's a nice person. If he doesn't smoke weed, he's a horrible person.

I have recently become a Christian. I was baptised last week and I truly feel at peace with this. He doesn't support my decision (despite me respecting his beliefs and never bringing mine home) and although that's okay, he gets very aggressive about it. He shouts and tells me why I am 'stupid' for believing in such 'crap'. He is always making nasty comments about it and it's just nice a nice environment to live in.

Anyway, today he started smoking (regular cigarettes) in the kitchen. He has always had to leave the house to smoke because of our 9 year old DS. He has always respected this, until today. I was ranting about it and he come over and grabbed my finger bending it so far back I thought it was going to snap. I moved him off of me and he did it again continuously. He then hit his head on mine and pushed me back in to the kitchen counter with a real force. I then pushed him away and he pushed me with such force that it made my mouth bleed and fall straight on to the floor. I ended up with cuts on my hand and a bruise on my arm. My finger is still really sore.

I feel like I can't possibly continue this relationship with him. I think he's depressed and may even have PTSD as he did 2 tours or Afghanistan - but when I've begged him to get help before, he refused.

I just feel so hurt and so upset. My son was upstairs and heard everything. This hurts me deeply. He shouldn't have heard this.

I just feel stuck and I really am not sure what I have come to ask, I suppose I just needed to write it down.

Thanks.

OP posts:
IdentifiesAsYoda · 04/08/2017 06:41

Well done for coming on here, BTW - I hope hearing us will encourage your to make it even more 'real' - tell someone in real life

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2017 06:41

I assume you haven't responded because you're asleep. Your ds and you are your priority. You can only protect your ds if you are safe. If you accept this behaviour, it is likely it will escalate further. He is in a bad place in his head. He is a trained killer and he has the power to kill you. I understand this would never happen were he in his right mind. But he's not in his right mind. If you want to save your husband, you must first save yourself (and your ds). And that means getting yourself safe.

Please do one of the following:

  • go to stay with your parents. Your brother and his friend can bunk together then your parents will have a room.
  • go to women's aid
  • ask for help from your church
  • ask for help from the police to allow you to stay in your home

You have many many options. Please don't choose to do nothing by staying and trying to sort this situation out with no outside intervention. This is not a good choice.

fishybits · 04/08/2017 06:52

OP, where are you?

If in Scotland, please contact these people

http://www.veteransfirstpoint.org.uk/

I will try and find the England equivalent today for you.

They are a specialist organisation and properly equipped to help not only your husband but you too.

user1497997754 · 04/08/2017 06:54

You need to involve the police....by not doing so you are giving him permission to treat you like this again....you need to make him realise this is unacceptable behaviour plain and simple...PLEASE DO IT

fishybits · 04/08/2017 06:55

To add to my previous post. It goes without saying that your safety and that of your children is paramount so call the police and the other organisations to help you first before speaking to any military charity.

Mix56 · 04/08/2017 07:11

If you haven't called the police, You must, its the only way this will stop, he will have to leave, & it will help him see he needs help & will hopefully get it.
Do it today.

springydaffs · 04/08/2017 07:24

You might not survive his next attack.

The two women a week who are killed by their partners didn't honestly believe he would do it.

That would be your boy without a mother.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 04/08/2017 07:29

I hate to be blunt but you are FAILING your son if you do not either leave & call the Police.....

Sometimes you have to spell it out. I'm sorry honey, I'm it trying to be harsh x

JustDontGetItAtAll · 04/08/2017 07:29

*not

thegirlupnorth · 04/08/2017 07:39

Go to your parents, your brothers friend will have to move on! Either that or get police involved and get your husband out. Encourage him to go to the docs, he definitely needs help.

londonista · 04/08/2017 07:51

Do you love him OP?

I agree you need to keep yourself safe, that is most important but if not you, could someone else convince him to seek help? Family? Ex colleagues (servicemen)? Friends?

If you love him then I would put steps in place to stay safe and keep kids safe, and try to get him some help. If you don't love him anymore or are not sure, I would leave. It sounds a hard situation to recover from emotionally, as much as physically. Flowers

namechangedforthisreply · 04/08/2017 07:53

OP please follow the advice here to call the police and report. He is violent and and your DS need to be safe

Beenbadwolf · 04/08/2017 07:59

If your son tells his teachers at school what he has witnessed and you've failed to leave and keep your son safe then you risk having social care involved.

As his Mum it is your duty to keep him safe as well as yourself.

Find the strength and make some calls. Flowers

FatGirlWithChocolate · 04/08/2017 08:08

McBounty, please get in touch with SASRA. They should be able to offer you spiritual support, and your husband too.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 04/08/2017 08:12

Yes I agree with the others to call the police. It's not acceptable for him to do that to you. Hope you're ok.

Kittychatcat · 04/08/2017 08:22

Phone the police. If a stranger head butted you in the street you wouldn't put up with it and the fact that it's your husband is even worse. The police will want to help you because they really don't want to have to deal with a murder next time. Your head injury could have killed you.

Leave this violent bully for the sake of your DS.

Joysmum · 04/08/2017 08:56

Do you think every woman that leaves due to domestic violence and abuse has somewhere they can go? Women really don't and that's why it is vital to involve the police to have him removed and ensure he gets help asap. The longer you leave this the more your dh problems will fester and multiply, and the more your ds and you will suffer. You need to stop this now!

Please call the police and use the contacts others have pointed you towards. You have to fight for your child even if you're prepared to accept him hurting you physically and mentally.

Jayfee · 04/08/2017 09:09

I hope you are feeling a bit stronger today. Go and seek help and guidance and things will improve for all of you.

Notreallyarsed · 04/08/2017 09:16

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. BIL has combat related PTSD and it's horrific, most of all for his family.
First and foremost, you and your DSs safety has to be the priority, I'd echo PP who suggested speaking to your vicar/priest/pastor/minister, to see if the church can help you both in any way. Women's Aid have some great practical support and advice too.
Secondly, if it is PTSD he has (which sounds likely given the tours of Afghan) he needs to seek treatment. PTSD does not go away, it exacerbates without treatment. It can be treated, and he can get better, but he needs to not be around you and your DS for the moment at least while he's so clearly unwell.
I know it's easy for me to say, but I honestly believe it's two separate things. You and your son need to be safe, which you're not at the moment. So that's the priority, getting you both safe.
If he is to get better, or to be your H again in the future (if this is what you want) he must seek formal treatment, there is no other way. But that's on him OP, you and your DS have to come first.

Angelf1sh · 04/08/2017 09:22

This will 100% happen again. This will 100% escalate. You need to protect yourself and your child. It really doesn't matter whether or not he has ptsd, he can't assault you. This is not some confused flashback scenario where he is confused as to who you are or where he is because he's ill, what you've described is a straight forward violent assault because he couldn't have his own way. He will do this again next time he doesn't get his own way. You do not have to tell the police (although I think you should), but you should not let him think you're going to just ignore it. If you won't tell the police and he won't leave then you'll have to. I'm sure the church will help as others have suggested, although I'm equally sure that family/friends will if you tell them why.

Lastly, remember not to tell him in advance that you're going, just leave. Even if that means not packing. You are most at risk when you leave so don't let him know.

Notreallyarsed · 04/08/2017 09:26

Sorry can I just clarify, PTSD or not (and I do have experience of this, I have PTSD and also BIL has combat PTSD) there is never, ever an excuse to assault you, or have you or your DS living in fear. I didn't at all mean my post to sound like I was justifying it. I'm sorry if it came over that way.

Beelzebop · 04/08/2017 09:56

OP, are you ok? Xx

Original poster
McBounty · 04/08/2017 10:33

Thank you all so much for your support. You're the only people giving me realistic advise. Everyone else thinks it's important we try to work it out by talking - my mother included.

I have told him he needs to pack his bags and leave. If he doesn't, I will be phoning the police - I without a doubt will have no problem doing so too.

Just waiting for the worker currently working on our house to go, if my husband hasn't left, I will be phoning.

I do have a duty to my son and he will always be my priority.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 04/08/2017 10:36

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's so very unfair. Unfortunately talking won't change anything, so with the best will in the world, even if you do choose to work it out (it's your choice, nobody else's) he NEEDS to seek treatment and make sure he's never ever violent again. The army sends these boys to hell and doesn't teach them how to cope, or give them any support and the result is that many families suffer terribly in silence because they think they can work it out.
It's a very brave decision you've made OP, we're here for support any time you need us. Sending lots of love to you and your DS.

KnitFastDieWarm · 04/08/2017 10:41

Oh lovely Sad I'm not going to repeat what everyone has said about the police, but please go and speak to your pastor or someone else you trust at your church - they can offer you spiritual and practical support. This man sounds like he has many issues but that is NO EXCUSE for his abusive behaviour. You and your dc deserve much better x

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