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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't believe I'm posting this.

110 replies

McBounty · 03/08/2017 23:32

Hi everyone.

I am just going to dive in, but could I please ask that you're gentle with me? I haven't stopped crying all day and I am currently writing this through exhausted and teary eyes.

Today I had a huge bust up with my husband. It got very physical. Sad

My husband hasn't been himself for a while now. He left the British Army in February this year and it's almost as if he has reverted right back to his teenage self before joining the forces.

He smokes weed every single day. This really hurts me and I have repeatedly asked him to stop. He says he has, but then goes on to do it again. I know this because when he smokes weed, he's a nice person. If he doesn't smoke weed, he's a horrible person.

I have recently become a Christian. I was baptised last week and I truly feel at peace with this. He doesn't support my decision (despite me respecting his beliefs and never bringing mine home) and although that's okay, he gets very aggressive about it. He shouts and tells me why I am 'stupid' for believing in such 'crap'. He is always making nasty comments about it and it's just nice a nice environment to live in.

Anyway, today he started smoking (regular cigarettes) in the kitchen. He has always had to leave the house to smoke because of our 9 year old DS. He has always respected this, until today. I was ranting about it and he come over and grabbed my finger bending it so far back I thought it was going to snap. I moved him off of me and he did it again continuously. He then hit his head on mine and pushed me back in to the kitchen counter with a real force. I then pushed him away and he pushed me with such force that it made my mouth bleed and fall straight on to the floor. I ended up with cuts on my hand and a bruise on my arm. My finger is still really sore.

I feel like I can't possibly continue this relationship with him. I think he's depressed and may even have PTSD as he did 2 tours or Afghanistan - but when I've begged him to get help before, he refused.

I just feel so hurt and so upset. My son was upstairs and heard everything. This hurts me deeply. He shouldn't have heard this.

I just feel stuck and I really am not sure what I have come to ask, I suppose I just needed to write it down.

Thanks.

OP posts:
SlothMama · 04/08/2017 00:26

Please OP get out tonight!

Onecutefox · 04/08/2017 00:28

Please report him. He will have to find another place where to live and also he wouldn't be allowed to come to your house.

yorkshireyummymummy · 04/08/2017 00:29

Firstly, you need to ensure the safety of you and your child so either a)phone the police and get him locked up/ out of the house for the night or b) grab a few things and go to a relatives/friends or hotel for the night. For your child's sake I would phone the police then your son can sleep in his own bed tonight. Once you are safe try to get some sleep. You've got a lot of thinking to do tomorrow. You need some support so talk to a friend/someone at your church. Ask yourself- are you still in love with him, do you think your relationship can be saved? Or is it time to go and see a solicitor?? Now I know I will probably get slated for this but I believe your husband needs help too. Is there any support offered by the forces? Your husband needs to see a doctor too- he could be depressed/ suffering from PTSD, etc. So, maybe have a meeting with your husband (. With somebody with you to ensure he does not lay a finger on you) and make him a doctors appointment, ask a friend/ relative of his to take him to it. You can hold your head high knowing you have done the right thing and you haven't just abandoned your husband without a thought. In years to come you will be able to look your son in the eye and tell him you did all you could to help his Dad. But you do need to protect your son, he has to be your first priority. So get out or get your husband out. Don't just sit reading this thread all night, be proactive and get help. Good luck, let us know how it goes and that you are ok.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/08/2017 00:36

You don't have to go anywhere

You have been physically assaulted. He needs to leave - he wont do that voluntarily so you need to call the police.

You need to protect you and your DS

He was physically violent towards you. He headbutted you fgs! Next time you might come off a lot worse.

He could physically assault your 9yo son - how would you feel about that?

Call the police. He needs to leave and get some help.

You also need support.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2017 00:38

You dont need to find somewhere else, he does and the police will ensure he leaves.

You may not want to involve the police but either you do or your son witenesses the escalating violence in your home. And yes, it will escalate.

Frankly, it may be that involving the police will be what pushes your H to get the help he needs. Violence from ex servicement is very common, for the reasons you mention. But that doesnt mean you or your son should live with it.

SerfTerf · 04/08/2017 00:41

What would you want your DS to do if he was in the same situation as an adult?

What WILL you do if he assaults your DS?

Jayfee · 04/08/2017 00:42

Don't the army have some support. Make it your priority tomorrow to find out what they are. Perhaps phone British Legion first and hopefully they will know who to contact. You need help for yourself and your partner sounds like he urgently needs some help too. You could phone the Samaritans tonight for support and they may also have some referral numbers for help for you. You know things have to change, don't you? I can see why you are reluctant to call the police. If you feel unsafe though, you have to call them tonight. Good luck.

BeBeatrix · 04/08/2017 00:43

We literally have nowhere to go

I'm assuming that if you've just got baptised, you're part of a church. Please ask them for help. The pastor, one of the elders, one of their wives, the women's worker...

Please ask them for help. If it's anything like church should be, they'll provide a safe place for you and your son, and all sorts of practical and emotional support for you.

Please also call the police. Loving and forgiving your husband doesn't mean ignoring what he's done. If nothing else, you need to deal with this for your son's sake. I hope that your husband will be able to get support and counselling and work through this, but right now, the urgent matter is to get you and your son to safety. Please lean on your church for support.

SerfTerf · 04/08/2017 00:45

www.combatstress.org.uk/veterans

pringlecat · 04/08/2017 00:46

Do your parents knows why you need to get away and stay with them? It's funny how people can suddenly find space when the reason changes.

As another poster has said, if you are part of a church, you may find support in that network that you didn't realise you had. Now is the time to reach out and let people help you.

Ontheboardwalk · 04/08/2017 00:56

Please speak to your parents. You and your DS will take priority. A line has been crossed, you can't stay where you are. Speak to the army to try and get him help but your priority is you and DS

RonaldMcDonald · 04/08/2017 01:02

Has anyone here mentioned Women's Aid? They will be able to help you very practically. Please give them a call
Book into a b&b for this evening or holiday inn and call Women's Aid. They may have space in a refuge to allow you to gather your thoughts and support you.

I wish you all the best x

alpacasandwich · 04/08/2017 01:26

His PTSD is not your responsibility if he is a risk to you (and he is). You have asked him to get help and he refused.

Now you need to take care of yourself and your son. Phone the police or Women's Aid.

Change is scary. Death is scarier. The next time, it could be in front of your son and he could go too far.

KoalaDownUnder · 04/08/2017 01:32

Please please please call the police. This is so dangerous for you and your son. Flowers

Laine21 · 04/08/2017 01:44

Look at this website, quite a few links to other places to get help.
Stay safe xxxxx

www.veteransupport.co.uk

BlueStockingUK · 04/08/2017 02:19

I'm sad reading this & I get why you don't want the police involved. You have loved him for a long time and recognise he is struggling. Possibly PTSD due to war. BUT....he doesn't love you, if he's hurting you. He's hurt you physically and your young son is upstairs ( he's 9, his know's his dad has hurt his mum). It is not easy. It is very, very hard. So many wives stay because the alternative seems so bad. Your home, your life, your belongings, your familiar life will be gone. But love yourself enough to leave. It is not the end of your life, just your relationship. You can move on, your house is full of just 'things'. You can buy new 'things'. You've tried, tell yourself you tried, then tell yourself you and your son deserve much more and don't look back. Flowers

sunshineintheclouds · 04/08/2017 02:25

You need to phone the police and get him out!!
He cannot act like that he needs to know the seriousness of what he has done and seek help and it has to be by having the police involved nothing else will work.
If you don't you and when not if , when it happens again and worse you will risk losing your son as you failed to protect him from domestic violence.

LorLorr2 · 04/08/2017 02:32

Staying in a cramped environment is far better than a dangerous one - please do consider going to your parents, just while you find further help and know that your DP is being seen to by the appropriate people securely away from you. It must be a horrid and bewildering time, sending a hand hold xx

PurpleDaisies · 04/08/2017 02:34

My church would find somewhere safe for you to go-I'm sure yours would too.

Please reach out to someone. Family, friends, women's aid, the police...
There is help out there for you.

Ceto · 04/08/2017 06:15

Women's Aid can refer you to solicitors who should be able to get an injunction to keep him out of the house. If you don't work, you can get legal aid for this. They can also help you sort out benefits and refer you to other sources of support. Please call them, now - 0808 2000 247.

FreedomMummy · 04/08/2017 06:21

Contact your vicar/pastor, it will not be the first time they have dealt with this and they can help you. They will help you ring the police/find a safe place for you and your son/put you in touch with the right organisations.

Get help and keep you and your son safe.

dowhatyouwish · 04/08/2017 06:25

I agree with the post above. Contact your church leader, do not wait for this man to kill you. He needs to get help for his situation and if he isn't prepared to then you'll need to leave for your own safety.

Isetan · 04/08/2017 06:35

He's escalating and it's a trajectory you can not influence. Your responsibility is protecting your son and your son's mother.

You can not reason with him, he's too far gone for that and the only way you can protect your son is by prioritising his and your safety.

Call the Police before someone else has to or it's too late.

nigelsbigface · 04/08/2017 06:38

OP-I know this is hard but you must call the Police and make yourself safe.
Think about it like this-If you saw this happening to someone else, what would you advise them to do?

He assaulted you and he did it whilst your child was there-he might well need help with PTSD-and you can help him get that if you so choose, and he agrees-but you can only help him from a place of safety.
I hope you are ok this morning.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 04/08/2017 06:40

Agree with the above. I think it's highly likely he is suffering from mental health problems, which he needs to face. He will hurt you or your child worse. Police, WA, or the church: tell someone. This should not be happening to you.

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