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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't believe I'm posting this.

110 replies

McBounty · 03/08/2017 23:32

Hi everyone.

I am just going to dive in, but could I please ask that you're gentle with me? I haven't stopped crying all day and I am currently writing this through exhausted and teary eyes.

Today I had a huge bust up with my husband. It got very physical. Sad

My husband hasn't been himself for a while now. He left the British Army in February this year and it's almost as if he has reverted right back to his teenage self before joining the forces.

He smokes weed every single day. This really hurts me and I have repeatedly asked him to stop. He says he has, but then goes on to do it again. I know this because when he smokes weed, he's a nice person. If he doesn't smoke weed, he's a horrible person.

I have recently become a Christian. I was baptised last week and I truly feel at peace with this. He doesn't support my decision (despite me respecting his beliefs and never bringing mine home) and although that's okay, he gets very aggressive about it. He shouts and tells me why I am 'stupid' for believing in such 'crap'. He is always making nasty comments about it and it's just nice a nice environment to live in.

Anyway, today he started smoking (regular cigarettes) in the kitchen. He has always had to leave the house to smoke because of our 9 year old DS. He has always respected this, until today. I was ranting about it and he come over and grabbed my finger bending it so far back I thought it was going to snap. I moved him off of me and he did it again continuously. He then hit his head on mine and pushed me back in to the kitchen counter with a real force. I then pushed him away and he pushed me with such force that it made my mouth bleed and fall straight on to the floor. I ended up with cuts on my hand and a bruise on my arm. My finger is still really sore.

I feel like I can't possibly continue this relationship with him. I think he's depressed and may even have PTSD as he did 2 tours or Afghanistan - but when I've begged him to get help before, he refused.

I just feel so hurt and so upset. My son was upstairs and heard everything. This hurts me deeply. He shouldn't have heard this.

I just feel stuck and I really am not sure what I have come to ask, I suppose I just needed to write it down.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
McBounty · 04/08/2017 13:50

You're absolutely right.

He's left. He's made a doctor's appointment and agrees completely that he needs help and will do whatever he can to get that help. I will also research ways that he can get help and support. We are still a part of other forces support charities etc.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 04/08/2017 13:58

Well done for getting him out. Everyone else is wrong - you don't respond to a physical attack by trying to talk things through with your attacker. You get him out, you make sure that yourself and your son are safe. That's what you've done. Be proud

I hope he does follow up with the doctor's appointment, but the most important thing is that he is out of your home and you are safe. You and DS are your priority now OP, please remember that.

number1wang · 04/08/2017 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaBenson · 04/08/2017 14:08

I think you need to prioritise accessing help and support for you and your son. Don't do the research for your H- that is for him alone to do. If he doesn't do it, it's telling on how remorseful he really is.

For what it's worth a separation is the best thing for you right now while he gets help. Well done on getting him out. Don't let family pressure you to stay together. A separation doesn't have to be forever, but it's what you need now to keep you all safe.

M00nUnit · 04/08/2017 14:13

Well done OP and good on you for protecting your son. Hope your life gets easier from here on in.

aprilj509 · 04/08/2017 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gamerchick · 04/08/2017 14:53

man, I've read some tripe in my time Grin

Gib1234 · 04/08/2017 14:56

Dear God! Think Cynthia needs to work on her English GrinGrin

ShmooBooMoo · 04/08/2017 14:59

"He hit his head on mine" So, he headbutted you? Sad

I don't know about longterm but right now you need to ring the police and have him removed from the home.

mrsRosaPimento · 04/08/2017 17:45

I used to work at a school with a large army catchment. There were a lot of guys who went completely off the rails when they came home. Same when they left the army as they had freedom. In the army you're told when to do everything and they organise your life completely.
Just because it happens doesn't mean it's okay. Op, you've been so brave and asking him to be sober isn't unreasonable at all. I hope he gets some detox and counselling. I'm sure the charities you have spoken of have experience of dealing with this. Keep being strong as at the moment he shouldn't be around you or your dc until he's sober and sorted out his anger issues. Flowers

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/08/2017 17:56

OP I am glad to see your positive updates but so sorry to hear what you are going through. Please take previous posters suggestions of contacting women's aid and your church to help give you continuing support.

Please ignore anyone who says you need to
work it out by talking - my mother included.
He physically assaulted you and lost that right - at least until he has received help.
Believe me, I know you love him and how conflicted you may feel about the steps you are making now, but they are being done for you and your sons protection and actually, in a strange way, out of love for him. Sometimes the only way we can make those we love get the help they need is by taking the hard steps that mean they are forced to address what they have done.
Please keep talking to us - we're here to help. You and you're son are going to be ok. It might hurt like hell, but you're going to be ok.

Notreallyarsed · 04/08/2017 18:43

Well done OP, that was a really courageous thing you did, and I know it can't have been easy. Hang in there, focus on yourself and your DS. You can access counselling for forces families too if it's something you feel you'd like, since you've been living with the effects of him being in the forces. Lots of love.

user1492877024 · 04/08/2017 19:59

Sorry, all this PTSD crap is just an excuse. There is no excuse for his behaviour. Ltb.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2017 19:59

Well done for doing the courageous and right thing. I hope your dh gets the help he needs. He really deserves it after all he went through. I am glad you are keeping the two of you safe. Flowers

Original poster
McBounty · 04/08/2017 21:26

user - You're right, there's no excuse.

I do want you to understand though that we have been together for 11 years and married 8. He has never ever lost his temper with me and hurt me. Not once. Well, until yesterday that is. He does need help. It isn't an excuse, it never will be, but I'm confident that he isn't naturally a violent person. He has never hurt anyone by losing his temper. He has never hurt our son, a friend, a family member etc. I am not sure what happened in Afghanistan, but he spent a year of his life out there and it really did some damage. He had councilling once he was back home, but he has never really fully been back to himself. War changes people.

I can absolutely not be around him until he gets the help he needs and until I feel confident that this would never ever happen again. I'm not sure right now that I will ever trust him not do this again. I love him, but not half as much as I love our DS. He's my priority and I will always do what is right by him. Always

OP posts:
PinkPanther27 · 04/08/2017 23:13

Please contact your local domestic abuse service and get some support for you and your son. Have you ever seen the power and control wheel before? Have a look as it seems as though you are also experiencing emotional abuse. Speak to a supportive friend/family member and maybe stay with them while you think about what you want to do. You may not feel like it but I would also take photos of your injuries. Sending hugs to you and your son.

LadyInTheCaravan · 04/08/2017 23:23

OP have you changed your locks in case he thinks he can just come over? Do not give him a key. He could of course always smash a window or break a door down if enraged, but a lock change will hopefully be a meaningful barrier , he can't just pop over if he feels like it and is a physical sign of the barrier (gulf) between you at present.

alpacasandwich · 04/08/2017 23:45

OP, do the Freedom programme online. PTSD is never an excuse and he's promising to get help that he may never get.

If you take him back on the promise he'll seek help, he will escalate his violence and next time it will be worse.

No amount of PTSD justifies hurting someone. He chose to hurt you, unless he is actively in a psychotic episode (in which case he needs medication and in-patient treatment as he is a risk to the public).

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/08/2017 00:09

I am very uncomfortable with what people are saying about PTSD.

It isnt an excuse, but is is a reason.

I have PTSD and it does change you. It changes how you act, react and behave in certain circumstances.

This isnt a man who is by nature abusive, who has made the OP suffer for years until she finally finds the strength to leave. He has seen things that I hope none of us ever have to see and that has affected him to the point where he did something that he wouldnt (from what the OP said) have ever done before his tour. The OP has done the right thing in asking him to leave and seek help. Hopefully he will see this as a wake up call to get help to deal with his PTSD properly, for his sake as much as her and their DS.

I am not excusing what he didnt, not in the slightest, but I am very unhappy that so many MNers, who are normally very understanding about mental health problems, are lumping this guy in with the beaters. He needs help and hopefully he will get it. In the meantime the OP can create a secure home for their son, knowing that she did the right thing for all of them.

alpacasandwich · 05/08/2017 00:11

If he is so out of control with PTSD, why is he only attacking his wife?

alpacasandwich · 05/08/2017 00:13

. I was ranting about it and he come over and grabbed my finger bending it so far back I thought it was going to snap. I moved him off of me and he did it again continuously. He then hit his head on mine and pushed me back in to the kitchen counter with a real force. I then pushed him away and he pushed me with such force that it made my mouth bleed and fall straight on to the floor. I ended up with cuts on my hand and a bruise on my arm. My finger is still really sore.

What set him off? His wife telling him not to smoke in the house. Not a sudden sound or a bad dream about being in Afghanistan. He reacted because she told him something she didn't like.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/08/2017 00:18

Combat stress is not only triggered by loud noises ffs Hmm

Feeling threatened or cornerd in any way can be enough to trigger a reaction. So being ranted at, the reason for the rant being irrelevant, can be enough.

I suggest you read up on it.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 05/08/2017 08:07

Pyong

It's my impression that many people on MN are not all that eductaed or understanding of mental health problems

Some of them can't distingish between excuse and explanation either.

OP

You are doing the right thing. You have to be safe first.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 05/08/2017 08:08

... or distinguish between explanation and justification

Tofutti · 05/08/2017 08:29

Stop making excuses for him Pyong and Yoda. He wanted to start smoking indoors and got angry OP objected. He IS a beater.

I am familiar with MH problems.

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