Who does what in your house? Am I a MUG

[Ginger1972]

Ongoing battles!
My DH earns £60k per year! Works 30 hours running a successful business. I know that's a lot! We do have a huge mortgage of £1200 per month and also huge bills! He is a spender
I earn a massive £13k and work part time 😢 I pay the council tax, insurance, tv licence and buy most of the food.

DH does absolutely zilch around the house! Not even emptying the kitchen bin.
I am constantly moaning as I do pretty much everything! He does cook on occasions and is brilliant at that! My 9yr old son is becoming helpful as he is being encouraged by me!
DH said if I earnt as much then we would split the jobs!
DH lays in bed until 9.30 every weekday morning whilst I walk the dog, get child ready for school, take child to school. DH gets 2 cups,of tea in bed (he does appreciate this). Weekends he is in bed until lunchtime
I really can't keep on top of the housework! I take my son to his sport training 4 eves a week.
Who does what in your house?
Does it come down to who earns more does less?
And.......he wouldn't make me a cuppa yesterday when I asked!!
I get 2 per yr! Birthday and Mother's Day!,,,,

Am I just a mug or what!!,?

I am really impressed with all the people on here saying they would not put up with this

I cant believe what I am reading here, why on earth would anyone in the right mind put up with behaviour like this? Why do women still exist that are impressed because others wont allow themselves to be mugs?

As Gluteus said, its not helping out, it's being an adult, undertaking the basic chores of living, the same as he would have to if he lived alone!

Whilst I am in no way blaming Op and powered, I do think many men get away with this behaviour because they can. Whilst women are impressed that others wouldn't tolerate this behaviour, their men will continue to exhibit that behaviour. I am just glad my own son and daughter are growing up in a family where everything is shared.

My Dad was a lazy husband, drinker

So you've married an earlier version of your dad....

Yes it may seem so. I adore my Dad, even though he was a total dick at times when my Mum left (understandable)

I've "moved out" of our shared en suite today and now sharing my sons bathroom. I haven't said a word to DH. He will be up to his eyes in beard shavings and toothpaste round the taps, but hey, not my problem now.

Kath my mil thinks I am absolutely a slattern and the first time I went to stay she cleaned his car! I was like what are you doing that for he is a grown man! She was/ is horrified that I do not set table for breakfast. All done standing up in our house while moving about - toast in gob while look for clean top! I no longer ' do' lunch ( I hate food !) husband works from home! When we got married 29 years ago I like playing house so did it all and actually liked it for a bit. I fucking hate it all now and my husband is slowly realising that his mum is the last of the 50s housewives. I did used to clear up everyone's shit cos it bothered me looking at it but just can't be arsed anymore. I actually like going to a beaten up old Starbucks than an uber prestige artisan I saw you coming place. So not a great role model but getting there. Do ironing about once every three months change beds when I realise it's been bloody ages. Do all other washing husband hangs on line. Don't clean windows or dust much. He does dishwasher as really anal about it. But the mental load is all mine !

powered my MIL is the other way around! DH admitted to me recently that he left home for university long before term time started because he couldn't stand the chaos and filth.

My own dad is a neat freak, though. I used to get home from school, in 6th form, run a duster or vacuum cleaner around, mind my siblings for a couple of hours, make tea, then spend the next 3 hours studying. Then if something wasn't clean or tidy enough, he'd yell at me for being lazy. Thank fuck he's mellowed in old age.

Earnings are irrelevant you are in a partnership. Get him to read these comments.

I too am married to a selfish lazy bastard STBXH like this, OP. Im still living under the same roof as him with DC as there's no rental places or council houses available at the moment.

I'm a SAHM with two kids, he works nights 3x a week to make up 37 hours. 'His sleep' is a fucking protected species. He stated to me that as he pays 100% of bills/makes 100% of income, I therefore have to do 100% of housework. My income is the child benefit which is supposed to cover school dinners, swimming lessons for 1 DC, food/household bits, and some essentials too such as kids' shoes.

I am sick to death of it, depressed, anxious, disgusted. Can't wait to have my own life and feel like a real woman. Earlier this year, I got 100+ LTBs on MN and did do it with the kchildren actually, but came back and am now in the same situation- but I feel stronger and different in my mind.

Don't put up with this crap. You and I are making excuse after excuse about how they work harder than us so deserve to behave the way they do. It's absolute brainwashing bullshit.

I spoke to his mother last week and told her some of what he's like, and she was absolutely appalled and apologised to me several times.

When I see women on MN saying "Its not the 1950s!' I think of the many, many threads on here about lazy husbands who think earning more money makes their wife a chattel, and resolve that its as bad out there as the 1950s actually. You're working outside the home but also doing (1950s style) everything inside the home

In your shoes I'd divorce him and go for a settlement. Live in peace with the DCs with none of his misogynistic, insensitive and meanminded laziness to blight life. Im not in your shoes tho so, only you can decide whether you will put up with this or not. Perhaps you will find a way to cope so it doesn't impact you so much

Your H is meanminded, insensitive, and misogynistic. Good luck putting up with that. & don

DH tells me that his Mother was a taskmaster and during his teenage years he was not allowed out until he had done his chores?
Yeah right, I really believe that...

But mistress, if it is still as bad as the 50s out there, that is not just the mens fault, that is as much the fault of working women who allow themselves to be treated as 50s housewives, doing everything. They don't have to do everything, they can stand up to lazy husbands and either make them share the workload or divorce them.

Although I do wonder why women marry these men in first place? In Ops case, she was with him 6yrs before marriage, and I am guessing he was like this then! Why marry them, they wont change!

Yes there does seem to be many men living in 50s, but it will only change completely when women stop allowing them to live like that.

And as I said earlier, the traits continue into next generation. Op is setting her son up to be like his dad, and what will that do for his future relationships? I have a friend whose DH does very little, the teenage son is very like him. She moaned about doing all ironing after hols last week - said son is off school, let him do some, he's almost 17. However, if I had actually said that to her, I know she would have been aghast, as she seems to think she has to do it all.

We also just back from hols, both kids have done own ironing this week whilst we at work, as well as many other chores. But then we have always shared chores, as did my parents and PILs. My FIL, late 70s, does all cooking in their house, so DH had a good role model.

My DH does no housework at all. He was clear at the start, 28 years ago, and perfectly happy to contract his half to a cleaner - and insisted the cleaner stayed when I was a SAHM because I had enough to do.

He has worked 70+ hours pw all our married life. He does the bins, the recycling, the mowing and strimming and the outdoor paintwork.

Your DH is an arse and we have a pretty traditional set-up. He doesn't even work hard.

My comments above don't just apply to working women - sorry it applies to SAHMs too. Didn't mean to differentiate!

Whether a woman works outside home or stays at home with DC is relevant, the man should help regardless.

Sod that. I don't work at all. DH just puts his wages into our account.
He does the ironing, cooks a couple of times a week, does the bins etc. Takes DD to school. In fact writing it down he sounds a saint. He's a wonderful husband, yours sound like a dick!!

A joint income of £73,000 a year and you cannot afford any help with the cleaning. I bet that's what he has told you!

It's all to keep you in your place. Doing as your told and running up the stairs every morning serving him tea in bed! Oh but he's very appreciative of this you say! How exactly! By employing a cleaner to help you or getting his arse out of bed and helping you himself? No I didn't think so. He has you exactly where he wants you. Why would he change! It's all working in his favour!
What a load of old crap he is and by chucking you a nice birthday pressie once a year he's pulling he wool over your eyes year in year out.
Why wouldn't he buy you a decent present? You do all the bloody housework, and everything else besides

Op is setting her son up to be like his dad,

Sorry I disagree, my child is aware of his his father is (lazy) and is becoming more keen to help with chores. Of course I have to give him pennies for his jobs. 20p for each bin he brings in.

Sorry I disagree

How old is your son Op? I am guessing primary age. Come back when he is a teenager and tell us if you still disagree!!! I will be amazed if you do. Although hopefully you will have kicked your lazy DH into touch by then.

My teenagers have a dad who does equal chores, my DS has always been so helpful, even into early teens (didnt even need bribing) but as he has got older (now 19) the cheekiness and back-chat have crept in. He will do chores, but does sometimes need cajoling and a stern 'you will do them as you also live in this house'. But that wouldn't work if I let DH get away with doing nothing! If they see dad getting away with laziness, what incentive do they have to do it? Teenagers are a whole different species to younger children.

Oh and if you still think you can bribe him - the bribes will need to be a lot bigger when they are 19!!!!

I think the pennies for chores is a dangerous precedent - and also a conflicting message. You don't get pennies for chores do you? Daddy doesn't even have to do chores. I think you are just perpetuating the opinion that this is mum/wife work. And as PP said, what happens when he is a teenager?

It's not a question of whether or not you are a mug , plenty of people have domestic set ups that are like yours and are fine with it for whatever reason.

My XH did an equal share on all fronts I couldn't tolerate anything else and if your DH doesn't and you resent it then do something about it. I'm afraid I doubt you will change him so it's a case of weighing everything up and deciding if this is a deal breaker. It would be for me and is one reason I remain resolutely single, it's bad enough getting my teen DS to contribute without having to have my foot up a grown mans arse

The pennies my son gets make up his pocket money.
He is always commenting on how lazy his Dad is and how he wants to be a helpful husband one day.

Not that he will leave home EVER....