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Original poster

Who does what in your house? Am I a MUG

144 replies

Ginger1972 · 01/08/2017 23:03

Ongoing battles!
My DH earns £60k per year! Works 30 hours running a successful business. I know that's a lot! We do have a huge mortgage of £1200 per month and also huge bills! He is a spender
I earn a massive £13k and work part time 😢 I pay the council tax, insurance, tv licence and buy most of the food.

DH does absolutely zilch around the house! Not even emptying the kitchen bin.
I am constantly moaning as I do pretty much everything! He does cook on occasions and is brilliant at that! My 9yr old son is becoming helpful as he is being encouraged by me!
DH said if I earnt as much then we would split the jobs!
DH lays in bed until 9.30 every weekday morning whilst I walk the dog, get child ready for school, take child to school. DH gets 2 cups,of tea in bed (he does appreciate this). Weekends he is in bed until lunchtime
I really can't keep on top of the housework! I take my son to his sport training 4 eves a week.
Who does what in your house?
Does it come down to who earns more does less?
And.......he wouldn't make me a cuppa yesterday when I asked!!
I get 2 per yr! Birthday and Mother's Day!,,,,

Am I just a mug or what!!,?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 02/08/2017 07:33

Good! Start the day as you mean to go on!

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2017 07:33

What's interesting is your assertion 30 hours a week is a lot (if that is the figure it's not minimum full time is 35 hrs) and that a 1200 mortgage is a lot that sounds standard minimum for London/south east area. It's interesting because it sounds as if he had told you this and it's not true

Original poster
Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 07:40

I know 30 hours isn't much!!

I am going to suggest I don't do his ironing! Although I love ironing! (Always have).

I'm not sure long term how this marriage will work out.....it's been 6 years, together for 12.

OP posts:
Wafflingwell · 02/08/2017 07:45

My dh earns, and always has earned, five times as much as me. He works very long stressful hours and is away a lot, so I do the lion's share of housework, but the difference is that on his days off, he is up early, walking the dog, doing the shopping, driving DC about. It's about attitude.

snackarella · 02/08/2017 07:50

I don't think it's related to earnings it's related to time I think.
My husband works around 70 hours a week self employed to cover everything as I am a sahm.
I do most of the stuff but if he happens to have a rare weekend off or rained off one afternoon he will get involved - but to be honest we are looking into a cleaner as I can't keep on top of it. We can't really afford one per se but if it means cutting down my spending by £25 a week it's worth it - I don't want the pressure! x

kath6144 · 02/08/2017 07:51

Sorry Op but you are a total mug. As British says, (and condolences on your loss BTW), there are plenty of decent men around, and I can't understand why women put up with men such as yours. I have a couple of friends whose husbands are similar, and unfortunately their sons are being allowed to grow up like that too.

Mine are older teenagers, I work 3 days, DH 5, he earns more than me in similar porfession as is a Contactor. I would say we share chores equally, although some things he does more of (cars, garden, DIY) whereas I usually cook in week and do most of ironing. He does his fair share of running DC around, including taking youngest for driving practice a moment, and walking dog. We have a cleaner paid for out of joint funds, as I spend my days off taking the dog for long walks - she is a labrador who needs plenty of exercise!!

The kids also do their fair share - off uni and college, they are expected to cook at least once in week, and sort out own ironing, plus put washes on, empty dishwasher etc when we both at work, and pick up any shopping we need when they are near supermarket. Your son may help now, but as he hits his teens, will he copy his dad? Will his future wife thank you for bringing him up with a mysoginist?

All finances are shared in this house too, including ISA payments, pension contributions etc.

As is often asked on MN, what do you get out of this relationship? Do you have equal access to finances, savings, pensions etc? My bet is that you dont.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2017 07:52

What do you mean he drinks a lot too?. Is he a drunkard as well as treating you and in turn your son poorly?.

Such men (who are very charming but awful behind closed doors) can also appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world. This man farts in bed and leaves you to do all the tasks he does not himself want to do.

Why has he said that 30 hours a week is a lot re the business as well; why have you believed this to be a lot too?. This is a man who does not get up until 9.30 during the week and on the weekends lies in until lunchtime.

Do you see yourself still with him in say 6 months time?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you exactly?. What do you think your son is learning about relationships here?.

Joysmum · 02/08/2017 07:52

What I find most depressing is that to you, this is about who does what and money.

This is actually about him not respecting you in the slightest. Hold a mirror up to the relationship and reverse your positions. Would you ever treat him the way he's treating you?

Your relationship is the blueprint for your son. Imagine him with your dh's attitude and treating his partner like you're being treated.

This isn't funny or about you refusing to make tea this morning, this is serious Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2017 07:55

I would think his first marriage ended too for similar reasons. Such men do not change.

Seekingmiracles · 02/08/2017 08:05

Utter arsehole!!

My DH sometimes dares to say such stuff and automatically regrets it!
It doesn't matter who earns what!! He still lives in the house and should take responsibility for it as such! He is not a child and is perfectly capable of helping out. Even if you didn't work at all he should still help out!
Needs a massive kick up the arse imo!

Penfold007 · 02/08/2017 08:06

Your a mug, you both work part time but you do all the drudge parenting, wife work etc. What are you going to do about it? I'd stop the cups of tea, laundry, cooking for him pronto.

Chewiecat · 02/08/2017 08:15

Gosh op! Maybe write a list of all the jobs that need doing and share that with him. Then start allocating those jobs to him.

I don't get why women have to do ironing.. my DH never irons his shirts and the comments he always gets are , why does your DW not do them ?? Wtf it's 2017!! He can do his own ironing, Jeez

Desmondo2016 · 02/08/2017 08:20

You do seem hung up on the money op. I think he's brainwashed you.

PuffinsSitOnMuffins · 02/08/2017 08:24

Rule of thumb for things being fair - all money is family money, no matter whose bank account it's sitting in so each person has the same amount to spend on themselves after essential spending. And each person has the same amount of leisure time.

Eleventybillionfucks · 02/08/2017 08:26

My partner empties the bins everyday and loads and unloads the dishwasher but i work from home so do all the rest im also pretty ocd so i like things done my own way Grin i get annoyed when he messes up the cleaning cupboard

PuffinsSitOnMuffins · 02/08/2017 08:28

Oh and am I right that you have a commute while he works from home? So that's even more similar in time at/travelling to work.

wineusuallyhelps · 02/08/2017 08:37

This doesn't sound at all fair, OP.

Mine and DH's money is shared money and we share the chores too. He earns 6 times what I do and works 3 times as many hours.

I do whatever I can housework/kids/admin-wise when I'm not at work. When he gets home and on weekends, he does as much as he can too. It was the same when I was a SAHM. If he said he should do less jobs in our spare time because he earns more, I would be upset I'm afraid.

Sorry to sound like a cliche, but I think a relationship should be give and take, balanced and fair...nothing to do with money.

MadameJosephine · 02/08/2017 08:38

I am going to suggest I don't do his ironing

Don't 'suggest' anything, just don't bloody do it! You both work similar hours so have the same amount of spare time. Since when does the possession of a penis render somebody unable to pull their weight around the house? (Please don't call it helping because that still implies that it's your job and he's doing you a favour)

Your 'D'H is a knobhead.

He is not a 'good dad' - he's a drunkard who mistreats his wife

He is not 'generous' - he earns 4x your salary but you are paying the bills! What does he spend 'his money on? Beer? 'Nice presents'? Angry

If he was married to me he'd be wearing his cup of tea in bed!

PearlyPinkNails · 02/08/2017 08:40

He's a selfish lazy cunt.

Neverknowing · 02/08/2017 08:47

Why are you still with him op? Please really think about this.
If you weren't with him you'd only be cleaning up after your kids.
you'd be better off financially as you'd be able to claim some benefits to support you all and you'd get half the equity of the house. You could probably afford a cleaner as well 😂 he's just bringing you down. I'm not saying LTB straight away just that you should think about why you're with him and what message that's sending to your kids. It's well said that daughters marry their fathers and sons become them and I've seen a few people who have done this so do believe it to be true. Do you want this? If not Change it Smile

ferriswheel · 02/08/2017 08:51

Yeah, the pp nailed it, the one who spoke of quality of life. His is much better than yours. He is trusting you to accept that. You are trusting him to treat you like that, because he wants to treat you like that. Why would you expect a friendship like that to work? Why would you want a friendship like that?

My stbxh was a master at shutting conversations down too.

user1471516536 · 02/08/2017 08:53

How about you go away for a few days and he has to look after his son/ the house while you're gone? Don't give any notice, just say "I'm going away with my friends next week" and bugger off.
Then reattempt the conversation about how much u do after he he has a taster of what his life would be like without you. Maybe write down why it is unfair that you earning less means that you have to do all the housework for the rest of your life.
I am sure this is not what things were like when you married, so what has changed? Is he angry with you for earning less?

Original poster
Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 08:54

It was worthy of the C bomb! Thanks PearlyPinkNails 😂

He works from his office which is 15 mins from home.
I only have a local commute of 5 mins.

First wife had an affair, as did my first husband. Although first husband was fair and equal around the home. Still, he was a knob!

I am getting the real perspective on the situation here.

OP posts:
AudacityJones · 02/08/2017 08:55

He earns more OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Start charging him for laundry / childcare / cleaning etc. My cleaner charges £15 an hour (we get one once a month), laundry is £2 a shirt typically, a nursery is £60 for a 9-5 day.

Once you've worked out that you actually save him £1000s of pounds each month give him a kick up his backside and get him to contribute to the chores and the running of the household.

Also, at least in other households that have this split the higher earning member pays into the house in proportion to their earnings. So he earns £60, you earn £13, he should be paying £5-6 for every £1 you spend. Instead this guy is having his cake, eating it, and getting you to sweep up the crumbs! Angry

p51642 · 02/08/2017 08:58

my boyfriends jobs are to take the bins out on bin day and walk the dog they are his official jobs but we pretty much just do the jobs we wants to do when we want to do them, since I was pregnant and had our daughter he's much more helpful before I was pregnant I did everything bar his official jobs, now as I'm needed more with our daughter he's picked up housework where needed if his family are coming round I do nothing and watch him tidy the house ready for them to come round, his tidying efforts are much crapper than mine but I see it as he's done the basics :) plus he will do anything extra I ask because if I ask him why he hadn't just done it he says it didn't cross his mind which pretty much nothing crosses his mind, I swear he just sees clouds in his brain, I run this house, I'm boss but he would never admit it haha