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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who does what in your house? Am I a MUG

144 replies

Ginger1972 · 01/08/2017 23:03

Ongoing battles!
My DH earns £60k per year! Works 30 hours running a successful business. I know that's a lot! We do have a huge mortgage of £1200 per month and also huge bills! He is a spender
I earn a massive £13k and work part time 😢 I pay the council tax, insurance, tv licence and buy most of the food.

DH does absolutely zilch around the house! Not even emptying the kitchen bin.
I am constantly moaning as I do pretty much everything! He does cook on occasions and is brilliant at that! My 9yr old son is becoming helpful as he is being encouraged by me!
DH said if I earnt as much then we would split the jobs!
DH lays in bed until 9.30 every weekday morning whilst I walk the dog, get child ready for school, take child to school. DH gets 2 cups,of tea in bed (he does appreciate this). Weekends he is in bed until lunchtime
I really can't keep on top of the housework! I take my son to his sport training 4 eves a week.
Who does what in your house?
Does it come down to who earns more does less?
And.......he wouldn't make me a cuppa yesterday when I asked!!
I get 2 per yr! Birthday and Mother's Day!,,,,

Am I just a mug or what!!,?

OP posts:

rainbowpie · 02/08/2017 00:16

My DH is on 6 figures and I'm a SAHP to two small DC at the moment. DH does loads. Who earns what isn't mentioned.

Glastokitty · 02/08/2017 00:56

You are being a total mug. How on earth can you fancy someone who clearly thinks of you as a second class citizen. And why on earth are you bringing this pig cups of tea in bed?

Tootsiepops · 02/08/2017 01:04

My husband earns 85k. I'm a sahm and we only have one child who also goes to nursery two mornings per week. Husband also does housework and gives our daughter her bath and puts her to bed most nights.

notangelinajolie · 02/08/2017 01:24

My DH works long hours and is the sole wage earner. But he would never, ever expect tea in bed and in nearly 28 years of marriage has never not helped with housey/children stuff whenever can. Yes I do most of it - but that's because I'm at home a more than he is. I don't feel 'put on' because I look upon I as my job. I think you have to tell him how you feel and if you are unhappy you need to make changes or the resentment is going to eat you up inside which will be bad for your marriage.

Ginlovinglady · 02/08/2017 01:24

Yes you're being treated like a mug
That doesn't mean you are one

HeebieJeebies456 · 02/08/2017 02:31

DH said if I earnt as much then we would split the jobs!

Well perhaps you would/could be earning more if you didn't have the job of carrying, birthing and then doing 99% of the parenting and 100% of the housework!
Perhaps he might prefer to change his schedule so he does the morning routine, school drop off/pickups, driving to events/classes etc?

Do you have access to joint money/accounts?
Do you have roughly equal amounts of 'personal spending money' after all bills have been paid?

Instead of paying for X....why not just pay a % in proportion to your incomes?

He only bloody earns so much because you do doing everything - for 'free' - enables him to!
They are not HIS wages alone - it's family money and you should be able to access it to pay for a cleaner/childcare/housekeeper.

Stop doing shit for him.

chestylarue52 · 02/08/2017 05:00

If I was in your shoes I'd stop doing the lions share of housework and retrain for a better paid job. If the house is mucky and he complains he can just stop moaning.

Fatguy · 02/08/2017 05:04

I think he is lazy to not do anything. It should not be about who earn more but who has more free time. In your case you both work similair hours so there is no reason for him not to help. I do less housework than DP but she works part time and me full. Yesterday I still packed the dishwasher, did a load of washing, cooked dinner and bathed the kids. It give and take today I might only do one of those or none, if she wants the grass cut she can do it herself. DP still accuses me of doing nothing though! I will show her this thread so she can see how little I could be doing

Also having to pay bills and buy most of the food on part time wages is a piss take. Why not have a joint account you can both use? We don't have one but if we were married I think we would.

Neutrogena · 02/08/2017 06:03

Yes, you're a doormat/mug.

Don't moan about it on the internet though. That's cowardly. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

glow1984 · 02/08/2017 06:28

I earn slightly more than my partner. We both work full time.

He pays the rent and most of the household bills, including food
I pay for the nursery full time and council tax

I do most of the cooking and childcare, but that’s because I’m a better cook, and I have more patience, and if our son is ill, I have the freedom to work from home.

We pretty much split the cleaning and laundry.

You’re not working much less hours than your DH so I think your housework should be split more evenly. The amount you earn is irrelevant; you don’t automatically have more time for housework just cos you have a few more £s in the bank!

Out2pasture · 02/08/2017 06:35

hubby earns twice as much as I do.
he cooks occasionally and vacuums daily, along with all outdoor tasks (mowing the lawn, landscaping, hardscaping, gutters, power washing sealing driveway, car oil changes. i'm sure you get the gist, the heavier outdoor stuff)
I do most of the cooking, daily dusting, and yes most of the indoor stuff and all the banking bills admin stuff.
works for us.

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2017 06:37

It's nothing to do with money. The house is a shared responsibility and both partners should do their fair share.

Hours working does have an impact, and yes if you work less hours, then it's fair to do slightly more so it all balances out.

The money seems weird though. We have a joint account and pay a percentage of our earnings in which then pays all joint expenses.

Overall yes, I'd say he's royally taking the piss, both financially as well as having you do the majority of house work and child care.

Stop pandering to it and enabling it by taking him cups of tea in bed each morning, what the hells that all about?

Creatureofthenight · 02/08/2017 06:37

Yep, sorry, you are a mug. If he's working 30 hours and you're working 25, you should be splitting parenting and housework nearly 50/50.
I should hope he would appreciate cups of tea in bed while you run around doing everything. Lazy selfish git.

Panicmode1 · 02/08/2017 06:40

My DH earns about fives times more than me. When we first started out, I earned a lot more than him, until he overtook and shot past me, but throughout our marriage, the arrival of four children, the acquisition of a dog and our accommodation getting larger to accommodate the family, not once have our respective salaries ever affected how much housework we do. We do our fair share - he brings me tea every morning before he leaves, he cooks and cleans, takes bins out etc.

You need to have a conversation with you 'D'H who sounds utterly lazy....

dowhatyouwish · 02/08/2017 06:51

Sounds really lazy. I recommend you stop doing so much and tell him he needs to pull his weight. If you're questioning it on MN then you're obviously not happy with the set up. You sound more like a housemaid than a wife and that's not right.

Original poster

Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 07:13

The rule is....I cook then I wash up , he cooks then I wash up.
I'm taking all these comments on board and know you are all absolutely right.
I need to grow a pair!!

This is my 2nd marriage! And his....

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 07:16

Yes, you're a doormat/mug.

Don't moan about it on the internet though. That's cowardly. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Believe me I do try! He thinks we are just a normal couple!

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 02/08/2017 07:17

The financial side of things is utterly irrelevant. He's a cockwomble and you're a mug!

Desmondo2016 · 02/08/2017 07:19

You don't have to 'try. Just stop doing things. Tell him what his jobs are then stop doing them. Even if the rubbish doesn't get put out and the en suite doesn't get cleaned. Even if you end up ordering a takeaway on his night to cook. Oh and stop paying for those bills. Just cancel them and tell him they won't be paid unless he sets them up on his account. Get tough.

Britishwestsussex1960 · 02/08/2017 07:23

I just can't believe so many if you are married to such gits! I was married for 17 wonderful years until she passed away. We shared all the chores and I did all the 'male' things like repairs and maintenance. I earned more but still nursed her for five years before she died. Get yourselves a good man, we do exist.

AlpacasPackOwls · 02/08/2017 07:23

He's a knob. Start charging him for your time spent on housework

guiltybystander · 02/08/2017 07:26

This sounds terrible and unfair on you. Your husband is a lazy f@!# and is showing a bad example to your son.
If he thinks that earning a good income entitles him to be a layabout then he is mistaken. Household and family duties are not about income. No matter how each of you earn, both of you should have equal share of household tasks. Does he spend time with your son?

Original poster

Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 07:28

ust can't believe so many if you are married to such gits! I was married for 17 wonderful years until she passed away. We shared all the chores and I did all the 'male' things like repairs and maintenance. I earned more but still nursed her for five years before she died. Get yourselves a good man, we do exist.

I'm sorry for your loss. My DH does do manly jobs, however it's been a 5yr wait to get some things done and still waiting!

I'm not making any tea this morning!!!!!! 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 07:31

He's mostly at home and they have a good relationship.
He does loads with him when he has time off during school holidays (he can afford it).

I come home to the mess.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginger1972 · 02/08/2017 07:32

What I meant was, DH is not one for going out after work so he is home in the evenings.
DH drinks a lot too! That's another thread!!!

OP posts:

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